Newly single mommy

[west903]

Im 23 years old and my son is 7 months old. His dad and I finally decided to separate after a ywar of trying to mend our rocky relationship. He cheated on me early on in my pregnancy & things just weren’t able to go back to normal after that. On top of that he is very narcissistic & I have decided I will be a better person and a better mom without him as my partner. We have decided coparenting will be a good thing for us but i know it may be tough at first.

We have the same group of friends & this weekend was a celebration for one of our friends so we were all together and everyone kind of found out that me & my sons father are no longer together. I guess am a bit worried how this will affect the dynamic but this weekend seemed to be okay. I guess I just dont want people to take sides? every one came to my house w out my Bd being there so I feel reassured that They are still my friends too. It sounds so dumb but Im just an anxious mess.

I’m also worried about this new chapter that i am entering & how i will navigate this new start. So many worries. Worried about struggling, worried that in the future no one will want a single mom as a partner, worried about my son having separated parents.. etc

If you’ve read this far — thank you, and if you have any advice for me or you can relate in any way, I am open to hearing it 🤍 thanks in advance 🤍

My advice is to go to counselling and try to remain with the child's father.
The grass isn't greener. I did read the narcissist bit but I feel this gets thrown around a lot. You don't mention his age but if he is as young as you, I could overlook the cheating early in pregnancy.
If you don't want to get back with him then please just focus on your son and yourself for a few years. Make sure the dad is involved as sons in particular need a father. Don't introduce men to your kid or have them around him until it's been a year of dating.

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP.
I'm the opposite to PP, I absolutely wouldn't be trying to make it work any more than you have. Once cheating has destroyed the trust, especially early in your pregnancy, it's very hard to come back from that. Despite this you've tried for nearly a year but sadly it hasn't worked. I'm a firm believer that a child is better off having separated parents than having parents together unhappily. The toxicity that brings can create a lot of wounds and only serves to teach DC they should stay in unhappy relationships.
So I think you've done the right thing for both you and your child. (And for your exP realistically!)
Practically, I'd perhaps try and get some other friends at a similar stage to you so that you've got their support to fall back on.
It's a lot to process and I can absolutely understand why you're concerned but just take it a day at a time and know that things will get easier.
Focus on you and your child.
You've got a very long time to meet someone and I'm sure you will down the line, for now you just need to find your new normal and thrive.

@TwoShyShy Hey there! Unfortunately cheating is not something I will accept in a relationship nor is it something I can move past. There should be respect for one another in a relationship— but to each their own! I don’t plan on being in another relationship for a very long time, but thank you for the advice anyways.

@Olivia199 , thank you so much for your kind words. I agree, cheating is something that is not easy to come back from & my trust is completely tarnished. I will continue to move on 🤍 thank you

@west903 - I know it feels overwhelming at the moment but it really will get better and you and your DC will grow together. You've got this!

Hi @west903
I wish i was like you when i was 23 years old, strong woman that doesn't take crap. I'm like this now but omg it's taken till 42 years old to become like this. You got this hun and i have no doubt there's someone who will love and respect you the way a partner should xx

Fantastic response OP. Good for you! @TwoShyShy You need to get some self respect.

thank you so much 💞

thank you💞💞

Good for you for knowing you deserve better and refusing to accept any less. I think it’s entirely natural to feel anxious at this stage; your baby is still very young and being with their father is all you’ve known so far as a parent. It’ll take a bit of getting used to but it’ll soon become your new normal. Personally I am of the opinion that thinking about your next relationship should take a backseat, there’s no need to rush into anything or be giving that much thought at all for some time yet. Focus on yourself and your son, that’s all you need.

Some men will want to date you, some won't, that's life.

Be prepared to raise your child alone as this is how it usually ends up.

You have some very tough years ahead.

I'm sure there will be tough times over the years, there always is. But you've also got some incredible joy to come and you should be bloody proud of taking control of that for you and your DC.

I am also a single parent. My husband and I separated after years of unhappy marriage, and he was emotionally abusive. It has been very hard at times for both of us and for the children, but they are much happier for it overall.

I stayed for years for the sake of the children but over time realised that they are much better off with happy separated parents than stuck in a toxic environment.

Well done for being so strong and not putting up with your ex's cheating. You will set a great example to your DS, showing him what healthy relationships are and about respect for others and self respect.

It is tough at times as a single parent but also so rewarding. Try to build up a support network around you, do you have family nearby to help? You could join some baby/toddler groups as I found these really helpful and have made some lifelong friends through them.

Are you and your ex getting on ok/able to co-parent amicably and work together?

My exh left before my dc was born, so I did single parenting right from the start. My first piece of advice is to get your practical support network organised so you can get back to work, as you need to build your own future. The first few years are tough - children pick up every bug going in nursery, it's exhausting doing everything and it's hard to watch friends who have partners get help (and have homes with 2 incomes when you only have 1), so get your plan B sorted so you know you can get through the day if something doesn't quite go to plan. I had parents in the next town and a couple of incredible friends who helped in emergencies, so I bought a spare car seat to leave at nursery, for example.

Next, don't panic! I was living month to month financially at first (I have a secure but not high-paying job), but I budgeted carefully and got into a routine. Again, the first few years were tough as I saw friends have holidays, go spur of the moment shopping etc. when I couldn't, but slowly things got easier as I built my financial foundation. By the time my dc started school, I had a little bit of a buffer behind me that I made sure I hung on to.

Don't worry about being on your own forever. I had relationships so having a dc didn't put people off. Dating is harder than when you don't have children as you need to sort a babysitter, but it's do-able. I always made sure to keep my finances separate though, so if things didn't work out, I knew I could provide for my dc and we'd be ok.

Fast forward 20 years, and I'm married - to someone I'd known a long time but never thought of romantically until one day, there he was! He also has dcs (similar age to mine) and we consciously decided to properly combine homes, finances, everything. Our DCs are OURS. Yes, the genetics are different, but we both parent them all as if they are ours. The DCs know their home is with us and we share the roles - he might give my dc a lift; I might take his to the dentist, whatever. It works well and I am very happy, but I look back on my time as a single mum in my own little house with my dc with real happiness and affection. My dh is fabulous, but it was a wrench giving up the life I'd built for myself, and I wouldn't have done it for a lesser man.

So build your future now. Build your financial security and hold on to it whilst your dc are dependent on you. That way, if you do decide to commit to someone again, it will only be because you really want to and you know they are worth it, not because you need to or it seems like it would be easier. And don't compare yourself to others along the way - sometimes you'll feel 'behind', but no-one knows what the future holds and just because someone else looks like they have it all, it doesn't mean they will still have it all in 5 years time.

Oh, and enjoy the little things and find someone to take some photos of you and your little one so you have some with you in to look back at!