In sickness and in health...

[Stuckandunhappy]

So, as the title suggests, I am married to someone with a chronic illness which will not get better.

Together for ~15 years, married for 8, two kids, teen DD and DS still in primary. The relationship has always been rocky and I think had it not been for the older child (unplanned pregnancy) it's unlikely we would be together now. There was love between us, but I think deep down we were never compatible and there has always been some issues around sex. There has been good and bad times, our youngest is the result of one, probably the last, good time.

Seven years ago DH got diagnosed with a chronic illness which had a devastating impact on him, not only his physical health but also his mental health. He has always been prone to depression but his diagnosis, which was preceded by months off work for ill health, led to him developing both depression and anxiety, including social anxiety. The previously relatively active man and dad became someone who would just spend all his time watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I started doing all social functions, including those involving couples, on my own and soon became the only one making an effort with the kids as well, taking them out, arranging playdates, just everything.

Fast forward to today, and he is now someone who sometimes works part-time, and was supposed to be the house husband during covid (he was classified vulnerable), but in reality I now work full time, do 95% of house work, take care of all household admin, organise kids hobbies and everything else whilst he spends most of his time on his Nintendo.

Our sex life, which at times was challenging anyway, has been non-existent for more five years now and we sleep in separate bedrooms.

His physical appearance has also changed and whilst he was never a sporty guy, he's now obese and incredibly unfit and doesn't even bother shaving for weeks.

On top of everything else he's also not very kind to me. There's never any birthday or mother's day or Christmas presents, not that that's really important, however I hardly get a hello when I get home from work, we never speak about anything. We no longer do anything together, not even watching TV, and he finds me annoying.

So in short, I find myself married to someone I hardly speak to, with whom I have no physical relationship with (not that I want to anyway, can't imagine ever having sex with him again, however I would love to have a sex life again but just not with him), who shows me no respect and doesn't appreciate anything I do for him, and whom I stopped loving quite a while ago.

I am not completely innocent, in my effort to be supportive I have actually enabled him to become what he is now, essentially another dependant, not a partner.

Over the last couple of years I have become increasingly frustrated with my life and our marriage and I would like to leave him. My main reasons to stay are guilt and the kids, but surely this is not setting a good example of marriage for them either.

Financially he's dependent on my income and because of his illness he can only work part-time in low paying (no stress) roles. We have some equity in the house and if we were to sell I could probably afford to buy a place of my own, either something smaller or if I moved further out of the city centre I could probably afford something decent, but then the kids would probably have to change schools. He would have to rent and there's really shortage of rental properties at the moment.

Sorry this has been so long, I am just so unhappy and lonely, most my friends don't know how bad things are as he makes an effort with everyone else. Behind closed doors he's a different person who blames me for being so miserable; he says I am always at him about stuff and mean to him. I don't think I was like that before, but more recently I can certainly find myself being a bit short with him, but still think what he claims is unreasonable.

Is it completely wrong to even contemplate leaving, am I a horrible person to consider leaving someone with a long-term illness?

I'm just about to go to sleep, but want to comment quickly first. This is really no way for you to live. You only get one life and this man is taking you for granted. You're getting nothing from him. If he's ill and cannot work f/t, then he'll get government support. If he'd been ill but still gave you some love or affection, I might have answered differently. He's sucking the life out of you. Please put yourself first.

That's an incredibly tough call for you to make, and I understand your reservations about it. If the love between you was still there, the decision would be even harder - but it isn't, and I think you are right that this is a poor model for your children to follow (as regards forming their view of what a marriage and relationship should look like). Even if your husband would change his attitude and behaviour, and that admittedly sounds unlikely, would you still want to stay with him? Taking his health problems out of the equation, would you like this to be your life for the next 20/30/40 years?

This is your life. The only one you'll get. As a pp said, put yourself first. When is the last time you did that? It's your turn. Good luck.

It sounds a very unhappy situation OP. Just because your husband has an illness there is no reason for him to treat you unkindly and disrespectfully. I can see your dilemma though, as you don't want to leave him to struggle. If the house was sold could he afford to rent as you say he only works in a low paid, part time job? Would he be eligible for any financial support due to his limited ability to work?

Has your DH ever been hospitalised to try and get some mental health support?

My first instinct is, yes of course, in sickness and in health - but he is treating you badly and doesn't seem to be making any kind of effort. You must feel stuck between a rock and hard place with him being so vulnerable. With that, I'd suggest you have some face to face counselling to work through everything and help you decide how you move forward.

He's not treating you with respect or kindness and he doesn't sound like he's doing much to try to help himself. Thinking about leaving doesn't make you the bad guy, it sounds like you have given him everything you can and things are just getting worse.

Thanks for the responses so far, especially so late at night. This is my life now, awake in the middle or the night feeling miserable and unable to sleep.

@waitingondr I did wonder about the government support. Our house has maybe £200-250k in equity so he would have some money for himself. Would he still get some support? Also wondering if I would have to provide some sort of spousal maintenance.

@catscatscurrantscurrants part of me misses the man I married bur I feel that person is gone and no I can't see any future with him. This probably sounds incredibly shallow but I am someone who looks after themselves and their looks and health and the way he looks these days I find just repulsive. People talk about the 'ick' and I now have that for him. It's such a cliche but everything I used to like about him I now find unattractive.

@LadyVorkosigan I would like to think you're right. I recently restarted an old hobby just to have something of my own and have something for myself, and I am loving it. Until now I have felt too guilty to spend time away from home but guess sometimes you just need some time for yourself.

@Seaoftroubles the house has some equity and he should have some £100-120k for himself if we sold, however of course that's not a long-term solution as the money would run out eventually. I am not sure about any government support. I am a higher rate tax payer so we haven't been able to claim any benefits, however I don't earn a huge amounts, just in that annoying middle-bracket.

@OilOfRoses he's on anti-depressants but unwilling to do any therapy as he hates doing any exercises they want him to do. He also has lots of childhood trauma which hasn't been dealt with properly (I think possibly sexual abuse, hence the problematic sex life, not 100% certain though). Not sure how any couple therapy would go, kind of think he would just blame it all on me and not open up about his other issues in front of me.

I agree with @OilOfRoses I would like to add that he might be having a difficult time processing his now completely different life due to the illness and so are you and the kids. You need to literally try to take a break whenever possible for some time with your self. It always helps me think clearer. Don't take any decisions in this state of mind. Take your time to heal yourself too, as you are already doing so much for your family.

I'm not sure couple's counselling is where I'd start, OP. Individual counselling for you would probably be a good idea. I wouldn't like to say I would leave or not leave, because it's not that straight forward and is a very complex situation with all sorts of ins and outs. This is why I have suggested counselling for you (alone).

Suggest seeking legal advice on how much he’d likely get when you split up.

Thanks again everyone.

I have been wondering about legal advice and whether to seek for it now before even bringing anything up with him. He's currently not working but planning to look for work again, however he's in no rush as I pay for everything. He has some money in the bank to keep him going for a few months (just enough to pay for bits here and there, I pay for all the household bills, kids' hobbies, my car, food..).

I'm really sorry to read your posts, OP. I was in a similar marriage although my exDH was not in quite such a bad state. A long history of chronic depression and substance misuse meant I did about 80% of everything and had almost no relationship with him beyond our shared interest in our children. I decided I had only one life to live and split us up 3 years ago. The first year he totally tanked but has slowly recovered. He is now more functional than before because he wants to take care of our children and can't just leave everything for me to do.

I do feel guilty from time to time when he is unable to function due to his depression but then I help him out by bringing him supplies or sorting stuff out for him. It is certainly better than having him in the house.

I am in a very happy new relationship now and don't regret a thing. I had to give myself permission to put myself and the children first (whose lives were being dominated by his illnesses too). If he had been taking steps to try to deal with it or made up for the low periods in other ways, it would have been different but he did not.

I sometimes mourn for the relationship we once had. But I did my best to support him when I could and I know I was wasting my life with him.

@asquideatingdough thanks for sharing your experience, that's very helpful. So glad things have worked out for you. Sounds like your situation had many similarities with mine. I do fear that he would be completely devastated and unable to function for some time, which is one of the reasons I want him to find employment before bringing this up. But I do also hope that he would eventually pull himself together for our kids' sake. He's particularly close to our DS at the moment, but struggles with DD who's going through puberty, but then again I am struggling to engage with her as well.

Glad my perspective helped.

Another point is that like your marriage, mine was never that great. We liked each other a lot and had some fun, but we're fundamentally incompatible and should not have got married and had children. So when it came to breaking up, I at least didn't feel as though I was leaving him just because things got rough. Even if he had held it together better we would have split eventually. And so another 20 years of mutual unhappiness just to prove I wasn't a quitter (to who? Would I get a medal?) seemed crazy.

On top of everything else he's also not very kind to me. There's never any birthday or mother's day or Christmas presents, not that that's really important, however I hardly get a hello when I get home from work, we never speak about anything. We no longer do anything together, not even watching TV, and he finds me annoying.

And you said he doesn’t respect you.

OP I have a chronic Disabling illness, I can relate to your husband’s depression/any anxiety and his feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, it sounds like you have done all you can to help him.

I too have s chronic disabling illness and in the early years of it, i was frightened and unsure and didn’t know what to expec. I know my anxiety about my illness must have been difficult at times for my partner to deal with for a while but I sorted it out. I was married for 30 years before I became ill - and then I became ill just over a decade ago.

At some point I just had to accept what is, and get on with it. I do all the laundry, most of the cooking, keep the fridge stocked by ordering online - my partner will pick up a few things from the store if needed once or twice a week. I worked part time, from home, until a few years ago then I retired. My partner retired from a full time job at the same time.

My partner helps me personally by taking me to medical appointments, library and haircut. Through physical inactivity (I used to be so very fit - had an athlete’s pulse rate and stamina) I’ve become very overweight. And maybe I’m even more fat because I feel undesirable too. That’s bad for me, but no one else.

When we have children to visit and grandchildren to stay here, we share the load. My adult kids still come to me for guidance or share their worries as well as laughter, my grandkids for cuddles and cake & because I’ll happily listen to them - as long as it takes.

Unfortunately for me, sex went out the window 5 years ago but it wasn’t something I did. That was on my partner. Perhaps if I wasn’t ill, I would have left by now because of his actions , and I still might leave, because I miss having a sexual life.

But other than that, despite periods battling anxiety and depression I’ve managed to make a decent fist of this disabled illness part of my life.

i just wanted to relay some of my life to you so you can know where I’m coming from.

If I was in your shoes I would leave. Finish up the marriage and move onto something better for yourself.

Your husband does not respect you and barely talks to you (that’s reason enough to leave any relationship) and you have nothing in common with him, it seems, but your children. It sounds like your life with him is miserable. You deserve better. We might sign up for ‘in sickness and in health,’ but ‘we do not sign up for lack of respect and and paralysed resentment’. If you want to leave, you have nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds like you have done your very best.

You only get one chance at this life. Time is precious. Don’t keep on doing what makes you unhappy.

He's self-absorbed and selfish. Illness doesn't excuse that. And a loser. Illness has given him the perfect excuse to be the inadequate waste of space he is. Bin

I imagine you must feel very conflicted. I would see a family solicitor and find out what is likely to happen in a split. Once you have started the process could you give him some notice. Let him know that the marriage is over, and you are going to give him some time to get a job and make sure he has somewhere to live. Make sure he knows there is a time limit though, so he can’t drag his feet.

you can’t live like this forever. But you can ease him into his new reality.

I could not and would not live like this OP. I would put yourself and your kids first.

Your partner's health is one thing but is attitude is not acceptable. He seems to be taking your support for granted and takes his frustrations on you.

I would start making formal plans to leave.

Marriage does mean signing up for a life a misery.

I don't think you need to feel guilty.

You aren't leaving him because he's sick. You're leaving him because he is fundamentally disrespectful, disinterested and you have nothing in common. Even if he wasn't sick, you wouldn't want to be in that marriage. Sickness is no reason to stay and is modelling a very unhealthy relationship to your children.

Get out, you'll be amazed how quickly he manages to stand on his own two feet when he has to and you'll have another chance at happiness.

What would happen OP if you sat him down and told him this is how you're feeling, and asked him what he proposed to do to change this/prepare for the future?

Talk to him properly and tell him you are at breaking point and considering divorce. See if he shapes up. If not then get legal advice and divorce him.
Or stay together but lead separate lives, have an open relationship.

Thank you so much for all your kind responses. I am amazed to see how consistent everyone's responses are, I was expecting at least one or two people to slate me for considering leaving someone with a chronic illness. I have felt so guilty about feeling this way. I am sure people who 'know' him will see things differently and some of them may never speak to me again, but of course they don't know the whole story.

@asquideatingdough it's weird how similar your relationship with your ex is to mine. Looking back there were so many issues and alarm bells early on that I shouldn't have overlooked, but I loved him back then and then once DD came along things got more complicated. Sometimes I think I should have just left when DD was born but if I had I wouldn't have DS who is the absolute joy of my life now that DD is a moody teenager.

@MessyMyrtle thank you for sharing your perspective, that was very interesting to read. Sorry to hear you have been affected by a chronic illness too, it's so hard! But you sound like a very strong person who just gets on with things, unlike my husband who has chosen to feel sorry for himself and become a lazy slob. Sorry to hear your sex life has also come to an end, I wish I had some answers how to overcome that but I don't... all I can say is that I sympathise!

@Itsallok thanks for your direct and honest response, I appreciate it!

@Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie I think you are right, I am going to start googling for family lawyers and try and book an appointment to find out where I stand legally.

@Greenwitchhorse thanks for your reply, I agree and I am so glad others can see it from my perspective, too. You are so right, he's taking his own frustrations out on me and has been doing this for years.

@Hungryfrogs23 I really hope you are right and he would find his feet if/when I leave him. I hope he would do it for his kids' sake if not for himself, they still need him. But I agree this is setting such a bad example of a relationship to our kids who see a mother who does absolutely everything and a father who just sits on a sofa playing games and watching tv, and no affection between their parents, that's just not right.

@dafttomtom I think he would twist things around and say it's all my doing and that I make him miserable by being at him constantly, that's his usual story. He is quite good at doing that and so many times in the past when I have been upset with him about something he's done he has managed to twist it around and somehow I have ended up being the one to apologise, but that was when I still loved him and wanted things to work out. Quite ridiculous when you look back now.

@TwoShyShy I think I should have done this a couple of years ago. I feel now it's too late and there's just no want I want to be with him in 2-5 years time. I have just felt so guilty about feeling this way that I haven't done anything about it.