TRIGGER WARNING: Sexually abused by a policeman

[Fuchsiarose]

Nearly 30 years ago when I was 14, I was sexually abused by my older sister's then-partner (a policeman in his 30's) in their bed. Having suffered decades of trauma because this was never investigated - and because of the backlash I received as a result - I am seriously considering reporting it for my own mental wellbeing, and I need to know if there is a strong enough case.

To give an indication of what happened, I was staying over at their flat and they had a huge row late at night which upset me, so I got up crying and they invited me to sit between them in their bed while they comforted me and reassured me that all was ok between them. My sister then left the room to get a glass of water and her partner took my hand and shoved it inside the open slit of his underpants. I instantly pulled my hand away and he did it again. She then came back into the room and I quickly went back to my bed in a total state of shock.

I didn't speak up at the time and they then got married later that year. When they divorced after six years for other reasons, I finally told my family and sister what he'd done (he also admitted it to her) and instead of getting sympathy, I received a huge backlash of hatred and blame from her because I hadn't said anything sooner. She even went back to him for a while and remained friends afterwards. This has continued repeatedly for all these years, where she will reconcile with me for a few months only to turn on me, completely unprovoked, and hurl abuse (even on one occasion, physical) at me, calling me a 'liar' and that I can't ever be trusted. She even accused me of having an affair with our younger sister's fiance, saying that I am capable of doing that because I 'did it to her'.

Enough is enough and I need to get closure on what happened to me, but I don't think I could handle it if he wasn't found guilty. What are your thoughts and do you think the fact that - a) I was a child, b) He was a policeman and c) He did it twice - would support my case? Your help and advice would be gratefully received. Thank you.

Family is always difficult, but I will say this to begin with - family is NOT final. Strangers can become family and family can become strangers. That is ok too.
When making a report, the usual consensus in a court of law is as follows:
In order for a successful conviction, it has to be (and this is the important bit) 'beyond the shadow of a doubt' that what he did was SA.
In my opinion, it was, because he "abused" you and made you do something unwarranted.
Seek proper legal advice first, and speak to trusted friends and other family members about this, but please, please do not fall into the trap that speaking up about sexual assault is wrong. Any form is sexual assault - from an illegal request to full on rape can be charged as sexual abuse, especially since you were a minor at the time. The law will take that more seriously than if you were an adult, say. Similarly, time will not diminish the severity of the incident.

If I also may be so bold to say that the way your sister behaved was completely inappropriate. All that did was make you believe you should not speak out about this, when that couldn't be further from the truth.
The way she has behaved is unacceptable (assuming, everything you have said is true and factual) and just because she is your family does not make it ok, ever.
I would be surprised if he was not found guilty. The only problem you may face is your sister being used to speak in court, and speaking against you if your sister truly believes you "cheated" on her with a 30 year old man.
Closure is important, I completely understand. (A few weeks ago I finished closing a case against my dad who had strangled me) and so I appreciate the solace and satisfaction it can bring.
Please also note, him being a policeman will not work against you, or at least it shouldn't. If anything it will be treated more seriously because of the power he abused in his position.

All the best, but please do seek proper legal advice. I am not a lawyer. I have just had experience with shitty family members, and the court of law.
If you ever need to talk about this, please don't hesitate to contact me. I would be happy to help.

Good luck.

Thank you and yes, everything I have said is 100% accurate and true.

My older sister’s constant blame transference has always made me feel a lot of shame and guilt, and it has definitely prevented me from speaking up. Initially, not long after I came out and said it, we were having a nice night together when she turned on me, started hurling abuse, kicked me in the street and deserted me, leaving me to get back home alone in the middle of the night. It turned out that she had gone to his and stayed over. Her outbursts have been extremely violent (me only refraining from calling the police because she is a family member) and have wrecked numerous reconciliations between us, where she has sworn to me that she is ‘over it’ only to fly at me all over again, leaving me mentally and emotionally scarred for life.

I will also add that her ex had two children (aged 12 and 11 from a previous marriage) at the time he abused me, who were asleep in another room along with my younger sister.

Also, my husband has been very supportive to me about the issues with my sister’s behaviour, but he has never wanted to discuss the sexual incident or invited me to open up about it. He always shuts off when I mention it, probably because it is understandably too uncomfortable and upsetting for him to think about.