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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to handle dad's controlling gf

11 replies

Chezielou · 21/08/2023 21:39

Hi, I'm just wanting peoples opinions on the best way to handle my dad's controlling gf. They have been together for about 10 years. He cannot see the controlling behaviour. Me and my sister cannot say anything even slightly negative or even jokingly to dad about her as then he turns on us and it just pushes him further away which we don't want obviously. Anyway, a very short backstory... His gf dislikes my sister much more than me as they lived across the road from them and she also wouldn't take any prisoners when she spoke to my dad like poop! We cannot see dad without her permission, he even asks her permission if we ask if he wants a coffee on the rare occasions we see him. Now she's taken things to a whole new level... My sister kept phoning him and messaging him but it went to voicemail or the texts didn't come through, but he phoned her a few times over a couple of days. My phone could connect to his straight away. His gf has gone away for a couple of nights and we know she cannot stand the thought of dad seeing us without her presence... My sister has been over tonight and asked to see his phone to see if he has "accidentally" blocked her ... Turns out my sister was indeed the only person on his blocked list (both of my sister's contact numbers). My dad had no idea and my dad wouldn't ever do that and also wouldn't know how to do that! We know it's her but we can't suggest that to dad as he would just not talk to us. A couple of weeks ago when she was out of earshot of my dad she said to my sister that once she's sold both her house and dad's house that she's taking dad away and we'll never see him again its her time to have him "all to herself". Please help... We are really concerned for him

OP posts:
Geppili · 21/08/2023 21:48

How old is your father?

Chezielou · 21/08/2023 22:19

In his 60's

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 21/08/2023 22:23

Sadly my df's dw got her way.. They won Big Money and moved away. I was his only dc. My dc his only dgc... They married when I was about 7 and she spent years distancing him from me /us.. Ultimately it was his choice as an adult though.. Been 23 years now.

Hoppinggreen · 21/08/2023 22:26

If he has capacity then unfortunately it’s his choice

Chezielou · 21/08/2023 22:57

The fact that she put my sister on his blocked list without him knowing is just next level and makes me really concerned for his wellbeing both now and in the future, I don't know what to do, I don't want to make him push us away even more... It's just giving her what she wants and giving her more power.

@Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand I'm so sorry to hear that 😔 this is what I'm terrified of. She keeps talking about selling her house and then selling his and then buying something elsewhere... She keeps mentioning France and I know if she gets her way with that then that's it we've lost him and I can't help but think if she's capable of the nasty things she's been doing then what else is she capable of. She's 13 years younger than him but she makes him so old! She's always telling him off if he tries to run round with the grandkids (very rare) and she tells the grandkids off for letting/making him run as he has a "heart condition" ... He hasn't got a heart condition he has high blood pressure which he is on medication for. I feel like she wants him to think/feel poorly all the time so he has to rely on her.

OP posts:
Joy69 · 22/08/2023 08:41

No advice I'm afraid, but I really feel for you. Just posted on another board about a similar situation with my own Dad. I think in the last 7 years I've seen my Dad by himself twice!
Good luck. Hope you find a solution x

Bananalanacake · 22/08/2023 09:41

How long have they been together. I'd worry she's a con artist trying to get his money by selling his house.

Feverly · 22/08/2023 09:45

Read the OP. A decade.
Theres nothing you can do, it’s your dads choice to have this shitty girlfriend, but you can opt out of being involved. Tell him you care about him but it’s damaging to see him being treated so badly so you’ll meet him somewhere without his girlfriend in future.

Gymmum82 · 22/08/2023 09:51

There is nothing you can do if he has capacity this is his choice. He is not blameless. He could leave her but he doesn’t want to.
If you don’t want to lose your dad I’d suggest being extra nice to his gf. You know what she is. But if she feels you are on side maybe she will let her guard down and you’ll get more time with your dad

Mummy08m · 22/08/2023 10:11

I agree it sounds like he's not blameless. To some extent he's using his gf as cover for behaving badly, got into the habit of not seeing his daughters and grandkids very often. It may be he cba to go out for coffee but uses the excuse "dp says I can't".

What did he say when your dsis pointed out she'd been blocked on his phone?

Mummy08m · 22/08/2023 10:16

She keeps mentioning France and I know if she gets her way with that...

It sounds like you've also got sucked into her narrative that your DF is a helpless chap with no free agency. Since he does not have a learning disability, or early dementia, if he emigrates to France it'll be because he wants to. If he barely sees his daughters and grandkids it's because he isn't prioritising that.

I don't see the use in blaming a woman for a man's choices.

It's a crying shame but it's your DF you should feel angry and disappointed with above all imo.

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