To leave or not to leave, that is the dilemma....

[jojo38]

Hmm, I can see alot of others in a similar situation, so I won't hold you all up too much..

2nd marriage (been 2gthr 5yrs/married 4), 2children each... mine live with us. (10 and half and 14 - boys)

DH MAY have AS. Very difficult aggressive person, a tad of a mental bully, yet never physically.

I have just started FT work (temp for a good few months) after 15yr out of the FT circuit. Good job, not stressful, fun, friendly people. good hours, not too long and very flexible. Mum and DH help look after boys for an hour after school.

Boys can get a bit pssy with each other. 14yo goes out at times to get out of way... etc. 10 yo is dyspraxic... self esteem/coordination/organising own feelings - all a problem.

DH has different rules for his own children (boy10 girl18) My two resent it at times but understand when I explain.

DH and I have been at each others throats lately. It is a volatile relationship, right from the off... I sometimes wondered why I got myself hooked.

Lots of usual, menial reasons why we argue but tonight and the weekend are different. DH keeps making quiet comments to me about my boys... telling me how awful they are... etc... I can't take that as soon as I come in from work, but its like he is there waiting for me to walk in then he can tell me what little shts my kids are.
The weekend was the worst. We had ss to stay.. he gets away with it all and tbh, I am pissed off with it always being my boys fault.
I was tired... ok, I admit that what happened next was down to me... on purpose.
I scrawled over our kitchen cupbds just what a lazy bunch of gits they all are....we have been here over 18mths and I have nver seen DH clean the loo, bathroom, pick up a duster, hoover etc... I am ashamed to say that I used the F word too.

I did it to shock them. I have spent time and time again talking to them all about how I need them to help a bit more... it goes in one ear and out the other. I was becoming a joke! So I shocked them. It worked but I got some flack back which I expected... but, it hasn't stopped.

I am ashamed to have used the F word so that my boys could see it but I was so angry and sitting in a pigsty.

It worked , but for how long.

I suppose this is the tip of the iceberg. All I do and say is made out to be nasty or bad or something to hurt him with. I can't stand it anymore. I don't know where to go or what to do - he knows that too. I have a mum near by but she hasn't got the room for us. she will make room but she is disabled and I don't think it is fair to put her in that position.

I think I love DH but I am not sure.

I know I loved my ex, but also know that is over... many moons ago. I know how I feel when I love and this isn't the same or even similar. All we do is fight.

He doesn't know how to treat me or the boys with respect.

We are a great team sometimes. We have been successful in some legal matters we have had to deal with.
He is hard working. But that is all that comes across with him... it is all about work and money issues. No romance. No thought to how I might feel... he didn't even ask me how my very first day back at work went... He was happy to tell me all about HIS day and HIS work and HIS problems and HIS this and HIS that... Not ONCE did he ask about my day.. not once.

I can't take the constant fight. I have to justify all I say and do... just incase he takes it the wrong way as he usually does.

I don't know if I can cope with all this again... and again.... and again. It settles down, changes for 3 minutes then BAM! back to "normal".

I have turned into a nag. I hate the sound of my own voice... I hate the sound of his talking/shouting at me and the boys. He never talks to me, always at me with this aggressive manner... I am not sure if he knows he is doing it but it hurts and I keep telling him so... but he will nver change... at 50, why should he?

what do you reckon ladies... should I stay or should I go??? if so, where, when , how??? do I really want to go - for me or for my boys or both? Perhaps for DH's sake I should go? I really dont' know anymore. I am so confused... with everything.

I have rambled again... I said I wouldn't take away the others' attention...here I am an hour later.... sorry.

[Caligulights]

Jojo, have you tried or considered relationship counselling? I think if you are still at a stage where you're not 100% sure you want out, then it's worth a try. Would DH consider it?

[SenoraPostrophe]

definitely sounds like you need counselling to me.

It's not necessarily a question of changing him - you're not you when you're nagging all the time are you? You just need to get out of this rut.

dh and I have had patches of this kind of thing - every little thing starts to annoy you and because you're annoyed you take it out on the other one and they take it out on you... Each time it has stopped after a good talk and some relaxation (eg a weekend away). I think yours sounds worse than ours has ever been so you may need more. Like I say, maybe counselling?

[gooseysgettingfat]

Based entirely on what you have written I would go. You do not have any children together and the atmosphere cannot be as happy as it could be for your children. You sound strong and you sound like you are being worn down by a relationship that will leave you a sad and bitter old lady if you dont act.
You asked, and I do have some experience of my own on which to base my answer to your question. But be wary of making the same relationship mistakes again if you do go.

[jojo38]

Thanks for your advice, all.. I do appreciate why you have advised me to go goosey... I really do. I am seriously considering it.

Callig and senora, you too have a point. No, perhaps I am not sure yet, but how long does it take to find out? I will try to talk to dh about counselling but tbh, I don't think it will work as he is so selfcentred and self opinionated. He won't let me get a word in! I will try to talk to him tho. Its no good me letting him know how I feel coz he won't understand. He never has been able to.

Thanks again.

[Caligulights]

Jojo, if you seriously don't think that he will ever understand how you feel, then I think you know it's time to leave. I'm not one for abandoning a relationship at the drop of a hat, but otoh you have to recognise when you're flogging a dead horse.

If there's any doubt at all for the right reasons - ie, because you think that with counselling you might be able to make a happy, fulfilling relationship, then you should try to make it work. But if your doubts are more about practical things, like where you'll live, what about your job, etc., then I think the relationship's over.