Different backgrounds - can it work

[RadioFoot]

I've met someone new off OLD who is kind and I feel comfortable around, safe.

However we are different - I went to uni, he didnt, I'm a tornado, he is calm, he's been in same role for a decade etc.

I want him to be enough for me as his nature is something I value, but I'm worried it will cause frustration on both out parts over time.

It's very early days of course, but I'm just wondering what people's experiences and perspectives are.

If I'm completely honest I'd want a bit more gung ho in his personality but nobody is perfect and I'm no (female) adonis to be making demands.

Yeah, just thinking out loud really...making hoping for some observations from MN...

If you're already wondering if he'll be enough for you, then you're probably not suited.

Well, DH and I came from completely different backgrounds. He was from a fairly posh middle class family, the immediate ancestors were judges and consultant doctors etc. I was very working class, my ancestors included a char woman, a shipyard worker and a plasterer.
My parents grew up in slums with outside toilets, DH’s in posh houses with maids.
But we adored each other for DH’s whole life, and I still grieve him now, 32 years after his death.

Aw, @Babdoc that's such a sweet story and I am sorry for your loss. I mean, humans are humans aren't they so ultimately it shouldn't matter, it's sad that it does. I think from my perspective I see the lack of drive (or, satisfaction with an entry level job) as a trait that's difficult to empathise with.

@category12 You are probably right but I am going to try anyway!

Imo background matters less than values and outlook, and your willingness and ability to communicate with one another to work through differences.
It would be very dull if we could only make relationships work with versions of ourselves.

This

Novelty masks a lot, and if it’s not masking that he’s not exciting / ambitious / interesting / curious enough for you, then he really isn’t.

I don’t think it can work if you don’t appreciate the qualities he has which you don’t. DH is different enough from me that we balance each other out. If you need someone similar to you move on but tbh I found having someone different better for me.

Also I don’t think background matters, shared value do.

This 100%.

Dp and I come from very different backgrounds. We're both graduates, but I'm, frankly, super posh and he isn't. It hasn't always been easy, but it's lasted nearly 40 years so far....!

I think if you already want more from his general personality, then you won't be suited in the long run

I think it’s dependent on the individuals and the communication.

I’ve been with someone totally different from me and although our values generally aligned and we had a great time together, those significant differences in beliefs and attitudes were too much of a problem because of the bullishness he approached it with.

Unless both people flex to meet each others needs and find a middle ground it won’t work.

I guess it depends on whether your differences work well together. As in, maybe his calmness brings new things for you and you bring new things for him.

I am a different nationality, religion and background to my DH, but we met professionally, have a lot intellectually in common and have grown more alike over the last 30 years. So I agree, shared values and interests are what's important.

I think you will get very bored.

Babdoc
that’s so lovely

op of course , but if the differences make you overthink then no , maybe not

maybe keep dating and see how you get on ?

You answered yourself. You said you want someone more gung ho. He's not right for you.
Generally, I think different backgrounds are challenging but not impossible particularly if the male is the better off one stereotypically as women get resentful with a man lower than them in status and the men feel inferior. The opposite doesn't seem to happen much as men care more about her physical beauty than earning potentials or 'breeding'.

My boss and his wife are very different. She is completely manic and always on the go, whereas he is so laid back he's almost horizontal.

We're council house kids and my sister met a middle class guy and they've been together for over 40 years.

Take the plunge, life is too short for wonderings.

Let's see how it goes. I also read/saw online recently where relationships can work where the man loves the woman more than the man but not vice versa. This is because the woman will put inthr legwork and effort to maintain a good partnership but a man will not. It was quite interesting. I'm pretty sure there was some research behind it but I would have to look it up.

I think its challenging to live by values you have! So I believe its great / fine (obviously) to have a job like, a supermarket cashier, or whatever but then the reality of being with someone who has that as their role seems ... somehow strange. As in why would you not want something more ambitious, its hard to get my head around. It is, I'm sure shaped by views determined in childhood by my parents and social circles having certain lifestyles as the norm.

I will have to update you all to see how it goes. I am nice to him and want to find out what makes him happy to see if I'm the right fit too.

Honestly I'm cringing reading that. I hope he drops you.

Me and DH come from completely different backgrounds. Not only that, he's from a different country, a different culture. We also have very different personalities.
However, been together 21 years and we're happy.

That's lovely @SallyWD 😊

@category12 fair enough

"However we are different - I went to uni, he didnt, I'm a tornado, he is calm, he's been in same role for a decade etc."

This could describe me and my OH. Been together 8 years, 2 x dc, and he's the love of my life.

My partner didn't go to uni either and he earns 5x what I do (my point here is it's not a barrier to success if that's what worries you). He's been with the same company for 16 years and I think it shows loyalty. I love the fact that he's the calm to my tornado, it grounds me when I need it.

He's by no means perfect but I choose to believe the differences are good and embrace them. If you see them as potential issues it's probably not going to work as he is what he is. That's not going to change.

I believe if your fundamental values are in line and you respect eachother then that's what matters.

But that's just one opinion of many 🤷🏻‍♀️

My wife and I are totally different on paper - she went to Uni and I didn't, she is from a very comfortable middle-class home and I'm from a very poor working class home, she has had many, many more different jobs than me, she has been with many more partners than me, she is religious (ish) where I am staunchly not, she is Autistic and I'm ADHD, she is easily overwhelmed and panics where I am stoic and calm -

And yet our similarities are far more than all of those together. We have been a couple for 12 years and married almost 7 and we complement each other beautifully. So yes, it can work.

Aw, I love reading these 😍