Is this me?

[Treepigeon]

For context. DH is NT. I am adhd autistic (diagnosed). We dont live together. I moved out last year. We don't live together well since lockdown and him not going back to the office. Living together neither of us felt like our needs were being met because there he was working in the kitchen and he never leaves the house. What was a liveable space for me quickly became very difficult and overwhelming. In the end he felt like i thought my needs top trumped his at all times and i felt like he wouldn't make any allowances to make my home liveable for me (insisting on working on the kitchen side, refusing to pay for childcare, refusing to get an office space to work once it was allowed but his job had closed their office), starting lots of DIY projects and never finishing anything so we were living in a disorganised space, stuff like constantly putting the chairs on top of the dining room table. Futhermore i was blamed for all the mess.

The final straw was us getting a dog. I dont like dogs much but he has always wanted one and the kids really wanted one. He agreed to clear up all the poo as i have diagnosed OCD about dog poo. Well that lasted a month and I had to do it or piles would be left in the garden.

In the end i was having frequent meltdowns where i would become very deregulated. When this would happen he would loose his temper and be horrible to me, call me names, say im crazy, shout at me. This would always escalate the meltdown and id get more and more distressed. He said i was abusive. I guess my behaviour in meltdown is abusive (lots of screaming and shouting) but i felt that goading me until i became completely dysregulated was abusive.

Anyway we decided to live separately as we both agreed the environment just wasn't suitable for the children or anyone involved. He outright refused to leave the family home and despite it going against the legal advice i got i left because i decided my children not being exposed to that toxic environment was far more important then me being the main carer. It was a very very painful decision but i feel the right one as their wellbeing is priority.

It was hit and miss whether we were going to break up tbh but once moved out we started to get on well again. We love each other. We are good friends. We have a compatible and active sex life. The kids are happy, they all tell me they love the two house thing. I am no longer having many meltdowns and if i do i just go home. I have a house that is neat tidy and organised and tbh his is a mess but i stopped caring. I feel like the relationship brings a lot to my table.

BUT he is emotionally incapable. I have been charting things that trigger my low moods and it is always him letting me down emotionally. He flip flops all the time and this makes me very insecure. Right from the start of our relationship he will make a decision or tell me i am his soul mate etc and then flip flop and be leaving (never lasts for more then a day). Its happened about everything. Marriage. Moving house. Having a baby. Having another baby. One week he is madly in love with me the next hes fed up. Its like he has to vocalise every thought positive or negative he has. It makes me feel unstable. Like i have no sense of security in trust in what he says and so if he tells me he wants to marry this week i have no idea of in 4 weeks he will be telling me he is done with the relationship. It is exhausting and i feel very insecure alot.

Furthermore he is impossible to talk to about emotions. He shuts down. Stone walls by just saying "ok" to everything i say. He never takes any of my emotions or feelings about anything on board. He tells me i shouldn't bring any negative emotion to his table and wont entertain the idea he has upset me about anything at all.

He blames everything that happened during that time on my autism and doesn't think he contributed to any of it with his own behavior.

I appreciate my autism is difficult to live with but he was also difficult for me to live with.

Am i unreasonable to think that it is unfair of him to blame me for everything and to not see this as a mutual living incompatibility that we eventually maturely resolved? Is it unreasonable of me to think that it isnt fair of him to constantly flip flop on things like he says? And to think that i should be able to talk to him and he should listen if something is causing me emotional hurt in the relationship?

Or is this actually all me and my autism and i am impossible and i should be grateful anyone is willing to put up with me. There is a whole thread here full of NT women struggling with their ASD partner. Am i actually the bad guy here and i am unable to see it?

Please be honest but kind

It sounds like you should divorce, you already have two separate households and your relationship seems quite toxic

I dont feel like this is an option for me.

He owns half my house and will want me to buy him out and i cant and would loose my home.

I went against the legal advice i got about the children as i felt it was in their best interest which unfortunately has put me in a very bad position. He has a lot of money for good legal team. He has the house with enough room for them (they share a bedroom here) and he knows how to push me into some right states. Having seen how dysregulated that couple of months before i left got i have no doubt he could create a situation where i would look unstable and him the perfect capable father in court and i think unless i agreed to everything he said he would do the court thing and i dont have any faith in the family courts at all.

We moved to the countryside where i am isolated. If we separate i will have noone here. I have no family. dont want to live a celbate life where i never feel love. I find it very hard to connect to people. I would be alone and likely very depressed as i would see the end of our relationship like a huge loss.

Other then this period of intense dysregulation we do get on well. The kids are happy. I feel happy most of the time. I do love him. Since moving out that upheavel stopped. The kids are not being exposed to any toxicity. The two houses thing has created enough space for emotional regulation. We dont even bicker in front of then now.

But i do feel like there is an emotional hole i keep putting a plaster on top of. He is emotionally useless.

I have thought about this an awful lot and made pros and cons lists of separating or not and I really think divorce would make my life and the lives of the children significantly worse. I would loose my home. Friendship. Any experience of anyone loving me. I would be isolated here. I would be faced with financial hardship and my mental health would be very poor and if it becomes poor and i struggle i risk ending up with reduced contact with me children as i have no doubt he could take them if he wanted.

I am not trying to be a doormat but i cant see how willingly setting myself down a path of financial disaster and hardship, isolation, poor mental health and distress for atleast a considerable amount of time, and the potential risk of reduced contact with my children could be the right decision for me, not to mention uprooting my childrens lives? They were so upset when they thought we were separating when i explained we were going to live separately due to all the meltdowns and upset that was happening at home. Two have them have told me how happy they are we are still together and we fixed our family.

To clarify to everyone the toxic emotionally dysregulated nightmare that resulted on me leaving has passed now with the decision to live separately. The children are not exposed to any of that which is why i left and we dont even argue or bicker now. Before lockdown the house was not emotionally dysregulatad like that.

This is now an emotional issue between me and DH opposed to any situation the kids are being exposed to if i am making sense.

All the options have a level of hardship and shittyness, choose your hard as they say? If any of your kids has autism do you think the environment is affecting them like it's affecting you?

We have a relaxed approach to where the children stay as we are still together.

My middle child is suspected autistic. She chooses to stay at my house most of the time if she can. I think she finds his environment too chaotic and overwhelming like I did. An advantage of choosing to still be together she can do this as there is no "its my turn to have the kids" stuff. If hes meant to be having them and she wants to stay at my house he doesn't object as we are still a family and it doesn't matter where anyone sleeps.

If we were to separate i doubt that would be the case r really as i imagine things would become far more rigid i terms of child custody arrangements.

And yes you summed it up well. I feel like all options have a level of hardship and shittyness.

So you own two houses together why would you have to pay him out or do you not own the family hime

he sounds abusive

Sorry for all my typos i really struggle with long typing like this.

We dont own two houses together. To buy me my house we remortgaged the family home and he took that on. That house is now solely owned by him. I took my equity out of the family home which gave me half the money to buy the house I am living in and he bought the other half. So we own the house i live in 50/50 tennents in common and he owns the old family home. I lost no money doing this as basically my equity transferred.

If we were too separate it is likely he would expect me to buy him out of this house. He has said he would want that. I cant afford that and wouldn't be able to mortgage the property to cover it as i am unemployed due to chronic illness noone is going to give me a morgage and even if i went back to work i wouldnt be able to do many hours. My friend is a solicitor and he said my DH could force a sale if we separated although itd take a bit of time.

In hindsight i have probably trapped myself but at the time i wanted the situation in the family home to end so the kids were no longer exposed and i wanted to protect my equity. It was a very emotional time and i possibly didnt make the best decisions in protecting myself such as going against the legal advice i was given about the kids but i just wanted my children to stop being exposed to all that emotional dysregulation and did what i thought was best at the time.

I just want to add that you don't have to make a big decision right now, keep posting, keep journaling, writing your lists, see how you feel in a while. It's a big decision but the good thing is the children are ok right now and you have a calm place that support and is better adapted for your disability. It's sad when relationships get like this, it's not your fault.

Thank you.

It is just so hard as i feel so tired of his complete lack empathy and emotional incapability but I feel i have so much to loose if I end the relationship.

This seems to me like you are trying to make an unbearable situation bearable by taking full responsibility for it. You sound afraid of him and can't face the realisation that he doesn't really care about you. You seem to want to find a way to understand staying with him for financial reasons. You don't have a marriage. Anyone who makes it impossible for you to leave them is an abuser. I'd consult a lawyer, but introduce into your discussions that you had to leave because he was abusive. His behaviour over your shared space was abusive, I think. He is still controlling you and preventing you from leaving. I think this will change your position in a divorce. But for any of it to happen you have to be able to face that harsh truth. You deserve better than this. Good luck.

Your husband sounds abusive and in pushing/goading you into 'meltdowns', he is abusive on the grounds of your disability. Have you considered that this tactic may be contrived? Then blaming you for how you react is a form of gaslighting - another abuser tactic.

You say your children are not exposed to the toxicity; however, they have been and even though you are now living apart from your husband, the children will know that your relationship is not a loving, caring and supportive relationship.

FWIW, I'm autistic (diagnosed) and there's no way I could live in your former home as I'd have a breakdown. I need calm, order and space. Disorganisation, mess, noise and some smells cause me to feel physically and mentally unwell.

Your husband does not sound like a nice man at all.

Did you get legal advice re the house buying?
I don't understand why you both don't own both of them? They're a marital assest

You don't have to buy him out. He just needs to sell it and you'd both take your share.

He can want whatever he likes but it doesn't mean he's entitled to it.

He sounds abusive. Good on you for getting out. He is using the cycle of abuse on you. Loving one minute and icy the next. It's pretty standard.

So whilst still married you split assets as in a divorce? I would get some legal advice particularly as the decision was made from abuse

Yes, it's you. You having problems with him treating you in ways that you don't like.

Why are you asking if it's you? Do you think that if it is, you should stay with him and disregard your unhappiness?