Am I overthinking this?

[WouldYouThinkThisStrange]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Everything is great.

There was a something and nothing yesterday incident yesterday that in the grand scheme of things is nothing but something about it doesn't sit right with me.

Yesterday we took his mum out for the day, she came back for dinner and he left at 7pm to drive her home. It's a half hour drive from mine to his mum's. I was expecting him to be back in about an hour so cleaned up after dinner etc.

He got back shortly after 9. This wouldn't normally be an issue but, when I realised it was 8.30 and I hadn't heard from him (he'd normally text when he's on his way back). I was mildly concerned something had happened (eg his mum had fallen or there'd been a road accident) and I definitely felt relieved when he walked through the door a 9pm but just asked if everything was alright (meaning his mum really because he was obviously ok).

So far, so no problem.

It was his explanation for being later than expected (that I didn't really need) that was odd. Both overly detailed and lacking in detail at the same time.

I'm not a suspicious person generally and just accepted what he'd said at the time but something about it just doesn't ring true.

The lack of detail about the reason he was late that would have been reasonably interesting to hear about and then a lot of unnecessary detail about some lads driving like idiots on the way back. The lads driving like idiots thing isn't really interesting because the stretch of road is known for it and it happens a lot.

I don't know. It came into my head again this morning and it just sounds like a lie. The way people gloss over something they're lying about and go into unnecessary detail about something else to avoid further discussion about it and make the lie sound plausible. It sounded like he'd rehearsed it in the car on the way back tbh.

Am I overthinking it?

So why not say that?

We're not in the habit of lying to each other and that's hardly a big deal!

30 mins? Oh come on, unless he’s often missing for 30 mins I wouldn’t think anything of it

It was an hour

Thank you.

Obviously people dont know me, him or the relationship.

But if he'd told me that he'd gone to the pub to have a quick pint with his friends, I'd have asked who was there and how they were. Because I know most of them too.

He wouldn't just stop for a coffee because he just doesn't do that on his own. I'd have laughed if he'd stopped for something to eat because we'd had dinner and he'd said he was stuffed. But sometimes the need for ice cream or a maccies just takes you. I get that but he usually just tells me.

If he'd said he stopped off at his flat to pick up a few things and dozed off, I'd have said I didn't blame him. It had been a long day.

We don't argue. On the rare occasion one of us has done something the other doesn't like, it's brought up, discussed and resolved without upset.

There would be no need at all for him to lie about anything. Unless he was specifically doing something he didn't want me to know about.

Typing this thread, I think it's made wonder if he is lying to me about things and I'm just not seeing it or I'm not very aware or I'm too trusting and accepting of what he says. Because it definitely felt like he was lying last night and I haven't like that before.

It's not the hour. It's the unnecessarily detailed and also oddly vague explanation he gave that I hadn't asked for, hadn't expected and never have asked for or expected.

That was why it was unusual.

Like when someone lies and goes OTT with their explanation because they think it sounds more believable. The more unnecesary detail that is given, the more likely it is to not be the truth.

It's definitely a bit strange, especially as you have a relaxed relationship

So why?

Has his attitude changed recently, more phone use, popping out to the shops more, working an extra shift or a few hours later?

No. No changes.

His phone, I have wondered about a few times. There have been a few times when he's closed a tab or switched tabs as I've walked in the room behind him. If he opens WhatsApp or something by accident he'll close it again quickly. Or he'll turn his phone away if i look at him to speak to him sometimes. But do those things too! None of those mean anything.

He usually leaves it lying around and I know the pass code. He either has nothing to hide, trusts me or is confident he's covered his tracks if he is up to something.

But I don't want to start suspecting him of something dodgy really.

Do you have a birthday coming up? Maybe he had something delivered to his mums for you because he knew he wouldn't be home when it was delivered. Or maybe even had it delivered to his house and had the message it was by the bins or something.

No, my birthday's been and gone for this year.

If it was something he wanted to keep a secret but wasn't dodgy, I think he'd have just said his mum had some jobs for him to do or something.

I think it's something he feels guilty for which is why he came up with an elaborate explanation rather than something simple.

The way he glossed over the bumping into someone looked like he didn't want me to ask too many questions about that. The rest of it was plausible but too detailed. That bit was oddly vague (given the other details). He said he hasn't seen this man for 30 years, barely knew him even then, couldn't understand what he was saying because he was drunk but also spent nearly half an hour talking to him? That's the bit that doesn't make sense. He's bumped into other people who are actually old friends. He's spent less than half an hour talking with them and always been excited to tell me about them. Especially if he hasn't seen them for 30 years.

I think the unnecessary extra fluff and detail about the other stuff was because it didn't happen but they are normal things that might have happened or have happened before (eg stopping in to his flat to go to the loo on the way to mine or the shit drivers) and he was over egging it a bit. I think he skirted over the bumping into a man he used to know because it didn't happen and he didn't want me to ask any questions he'd have to continue the lie by answering.

I mean, you can drive yourself crazy speculating and you wont actually learn anything. Do you have relationship anxiety or have you been hurt in the past? You say he is a wonderful boyfriend, committed etc but in the next breath you don't trust him. You don't, because you believe him to be lying to you in this instance. You don't trust his version of events.

You've got two choices really. If this is something more internal within you, anxiety related (which from the outside I suspect as your now talking about his phone behavior which you monitor - if you trusted him you wouldn't even take notice of these things) - then you need ASSUME TRUST if you in your heart believe he is a a good guy. Let it go.

Otherwise, if you can't. You can't exist in a healthy relationship with distrust so you either need to address it with him so you can work through it together, or end the relationship.

You won't find your answer on mumsnet. Just speculation which will reaffirm your anxious beliefs without a shred of truth or evidence.

Hi. You're right. Thanks.

I don't have relationship anxiety but I do notice when things change. So the phone stuff is something I've been aware of for about a month or so. I've no idea whether it's a less recent thing because I don't really pay attention but I had realised that be had started turning it away from me when he hadn't done that before.

I don't feel he's as open now as he was. I haven't had any reason to not trust him before but I've now noticed a couple of things that have made me wonder if I maybe ought to be more aware.

Maybe I've been too trusting rather than not trusting him enough.

You don't trust him. That's enough to leave a relationship.

You're right

@WouldYouThinkThisStrange

You love him right?

Next time you catch him turning his phone away call him out on it DIRECTLY - then and there. Say "why are you turning your phone away from me?" And ask him to show you what he is on. He should be able to show you, reassure you, and offer transparency if you need it.

If he responds by getting angry / refusing / calling you crazy then you know he is hiding something.

At some point you need to be honest with him about your doubts. A man who loves you and wants to be there for you will work through them with you.

Next time you catch him turning his phone away call him out on it DIRECTLY - then and there. Say "why are you turning your phone away from me?" And ask him to show you what he is on. He should be able to show you, reassure you, and offer transparency if you need it.

That's so obvious! It didn't even occur to me. But I'll do that.

I would feel the same as you. This is something I would have noticed and probably would have pressed DH more if he came back saying the same thing.

I think because I do completely trust him and know him so well, it would seem we so strange to me that he told a story that I didn't believe, that I would know he was lying.

I think because it's been a bit of a slow dawning that it's happening or things have changed it has made it hard to see how to approach it.

Normally, I would just ask but sneakiness just doesn't them to be in his character so it's taken a while to actually think it. I wouldn't have made any connection if a pp hadn't asked about it when I thought actually there is something that has changed.

I do think there could be something suspect going on here. You know him, and your gut instinct told you there was something out of character in his behaviour.
I've experienced this before, the extra unnecessarily detailed explanation, and and yes, it was to hide something. You've already noticed the turning away of his phone and you feel he is not as open as he was. Trust your gut, its seldom wrong.

The things we've addressed before have been more tangible. Actual things.

But this feels odd. All I can say is that I think he is lying. Which isn't nice.

Thank you. I'm glad you understand what I mean.

OP, I just want to reassure you to trust yourself.

For a start the lack/over detail thing is a classic lying sign.

But far more importantly I know exactly what you mean. I know how that conversation with DH would go a thousand times, and it would stand out a mile the time he reacted differently and like that. YOU JUST KNOW.

All these people asking if you interrogate him ffs.

In a normal healthy, trusting relationship it goes like this:

Spouse comes home from regular choe having taken an hour longer than usual.
Spouse at home: Hello darling, everything ok? (clearly an enquiry because usual chore has taken longer than usual)
Chore spouse: Yes dear, just bumped into some dickhead from school pissed out of his mind and couldn't get away for 30 mins.
Spouse at home: Oh annoying

Everyone goes about their day. It's a normal, everyday conversation, and when the reaction from chore spouse is different, it's very obvious.

Reading between the lines on all that lot, I reckon he just went for a pint or two with this random bloke, lost track of time, and didn't want to tell you that he'd been drinking and driving.

I'm with you, OP. I do think you picked up on something. I wonder though why he wouldn't have just stayed at his own place for the night.