Inundated with unwanted gifts

[Howtodealwith]

This is a really difficult situation. I have a relative with high functioning autism who is buying very expensive gifts. This started out for me - unprompted he spent £300 on me two years ago, but unfortunately what he bought was one of those experiences and it really wasn’t to my taste and would have caused a lot of hassle organising.

But this has now extended and it’s getting ridiculous. He bought a really expensive play item for my two year old but it’s not really age appropriate and to be totally honest has meant the back garden is unusable. But we came home to find it up.

The tipping point has come with a child’s birthday where I told him over and over just £10 in a card would do. This child isn’t one known especially well to my relative. I repeated myself so many times saying any more would put his parents in an awkward position. Party day comes and relative insists on giving the child £80 in cash, everyone was trying to say it was too much and there was this awkward thing where money was being shoved around - but honestly I am really at my wits end with this. It feels so horrible and ungrateful but it really is like being force fed a meal you don’t want.

I am fed up to be honest. But what do you do when your No is ignored?

There’s not much you can do really; does the relative have someone they’re close to that you can get on side to talk to about it?

someone close to this person needs to explain to them, kindly but matter of fact, that while everyone appreciates the intention, his expensive gifts are causing awkwardness and problems, so he should probably stop

also someone should tell him to not reorganise gardens of others people, no matter how well intended that help is

Did you not post a few weeks ago?

You’ve posted about this before so you really need to fix it.
The item for your 2 year old in garden - sell it or give it away or even just take to your local tip if no one else wants it. If your relative questions this say “We told you - child is too young for that and it’s too big for our garden and we didn’t want it” and repeat the “didn’t want it” over and over if necessary.
Any future gifts - if inappropriate hand them back. Don’t accept them. It might seem cruel - but otherwise this will never stop.

Maybe he thinks you are only protesting out of politeness? How blunt are you being - could you be blunter and say "Take it back next weekend or I am selling it"? "I don't want your gifts and find it offensive that you don't listen to me when I tell you to stop"?

I did, as you can see it isn’t resolved.

I think the issue is that you can tell him over and over and over - and I have - but then ignores you, so what do you do? (That’s largely a rhetorical question; I don’t know myself either.)

I can’t just continue having him spend a fortune. Even if he could afford it - he can’t - the gifts cause a certain amount of stress. I am the person closest to him and he ignores me. I’m really fed up of it to be honest!

I haven't read your other post, but it sounds like you've tried talking to him about it already.

In that case, just start sending stuff back to him. Maybe with a note saying something like "As previously discussed we unfortunately can't accept this." He'll eventually get the message.

Everything he gives you refuse it (and he gets a refund) or if it cannot be returned then sell and give him the money back.
Everytime.
How is he with other financial stuff (bills) etc. High functioning or not if he can’t deal with his finances maybe it’s time for some to get power of attorney and take over.

You can’t do that though - there is no way he’d be deemed incapable of dealing with finances. He just wouldn’t. It’s horrible to be honest - it’s stressful, embarrassing and feels horribly like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability even though I’m not!

Oh god OP I feel your pain, my in laws are like this especially with really big gifts that we have no space or need for.

We now just sell things on or ask for the receipt and return them because they simply don’t listen - to be fair DH does tell them straight that we have no need or space for things like huge new tvs, exercise bikes/machines etc.

Have you tried acting angrily/rudely when he does it?

e.g. "Not again! I've told you a HUNDRED TIMES. I don't want your gifts! Now I'll have to get someone round to have this taken away! I've had enough!"

If this was someone who could afford what he's buying, you could say you'll put the money in a bank account for your DC. But as you say he can't afford it that won't help.

Rather than just telling him not to do it, have you tried asking him why he does it? "Relative, I asked you not to buy presents for DC without checking with me / not to give DC more than £10. Can you please explain to me why you didn't do as I'd asked?" Not in an aggressive challenging way, but rather in a polite inquisitive I genuinely want to know way. That might get to the bottom of it. He may be confusing polite reticence about receiving expensive gifts with a genuine not wanting them.

Can you put a capex on the money he spend and be firm. Saying something Like "everyone likes presents but the kid is too little so spend 20 pounds max each occasion if not keep the ticket because I will refund it. Kids needs to learn from young that money doesn't grow on trees and I'm determined to teach my kid those values" (and you make it about parenting and good learning instead about him being a big spender on random items which could be easier for him to understand, I'm just giving a guess here) if he continues you can cut the gifting all together always with the excuse that you don't want to spoil your kid.

That’s exactly what I’ve done but he ignores, I think I’m just going to have to completely break contact. I don’t know how much clearer I can be, I can’t be. It isn’t that I’m not being clear, it’s that he’s choosing to ignore.

If it's a compulsion he/she can't control, sell gifts and keep money and save for if he/she falls on hard times or put by foe your child when they start Uni etc.

It has to be very frustrating and infuriating not being heard. I know cutting him off sounds a bit much but if you think there is not other choice at the end of the day you need to do what is best for you and your kids.

Make it clear to him that you don't have space and will have to pass the gifts on. Next time he brings you one, have a pile of old clothes ready and say - I'm sorry we don't have space, as I told you, put it in the charity shop pile over there.

What did you actually say to him to tell him not to do it?

Which time?

Most recently I said:

’It’s X’s birthday. Don’t get him much, as (his mum and dad) might feel obligated to buy (our kids) something in return. Just £10 in a card will be perfect.’
He hmm’d an agreement.
I then said ‘seriously, no more than £10, OK?’
He said ‘yes sure.’
I said (I know I was over egging the pudding!) ‘seriously, please don’t give him any more than that because it will make (parents) feel awkward.’
He semi yells ‘all riiiiight!’

And then shows up with £80.

So … what do you do? I don’t know. I don’t even think it’s so much the ‘gifts’ as being completely ignored and being coerced into accepting things you don’t want for someone else’s perverse sort of pleasure.

Does he live alone? Does he have someone who supports his finances? Asking because of the issue of overspending is persistent he could be a in vulnerable financial situation. It may be kinder just to agree collectively to refuse gifts from him from now on but the danger is he then starts on someone else outside the family circle. Do you think it is the case he thinks spending large amounts is normal or is like a payback thing we're the gifts "buy" other people's time and attention