*Trigger warning* Was this sexual coercion? Does coercion invalidate consent?

[EastofNorth]

Morning all,

I've been thinking recently about two instances I had with my now XH, and would like other women's opinions on whether this was sexual coercion?

Both involving weekend trips away. The first time, I had just got out the shower that morning and he kept asking and asking for sex, I said no I didn't want to. For background, our sex life dwindled years prior to this. He kept on. Saying what was the point in booking to go away (paid for by me FYI) if we weren't going to have sex blah blah blah. I thought to myself, if we don't have sex he's going to be in a bad mood and refuse to do any of the things we planned and there would just be an atmosphere.

I relented. He had sex with me. As soon as he finished, I immediately went back into the shower again and just cried. He moaned about me going back in the shower again saying it made him feel like shit.

Second time, another weekend away. Same story, asked for sex, but this time he made it clear that he would be in a bad mood and would deliberately ruin our time there if we didn't do it. I relented again, and this time I actually cried during it. He didn't care and kept going.

So, aside from being an absolute creep who is able to have sex with, and be aroused enough by a crying woman to finish, was this also sexual coercion?

It took me another year but fortunately I did eventually LTB.

Well yes, it’s absolutely coercion. Anything less than enthusiastic consent is not consent. I’d go so far as to say the second time particularly was rape. He knew you didn’t want it, you were crying, and he had sex with you anyway. No loving man would treat a partner that way.

Yes it’s sexual coercion; you didn’t enthusiastically consent on either occasion - glad he’s your ex husband

Coercion is not consent.

Yes and yes. I think there's a word other than "creep" for men like this. I'm sorry OP.

Arghhh what a creep and bully! Yes it’s coercion, and as someone said it’s almost like emotionally bullying you / manipulating you into having to have sex which therefore is rape.

Well done for leaving him.

it’s good to process these things and then release them, so you can grow stronger from this and move on xx

I'm sorry you went through this and I'm glad he's now your ex.

If these are two occasions that you remember well enough to describe on here - I imagine there were other occasions - or just a general 'feeling' in your marriage that sex was expected on his part - regardless of what you wanted?

Yes its abusive. It can take a while for you to realise what you've been through and come to terms with it. (speaking from experience)

Take care of yourself. If you are struggling - consider finding a counsellor to speak to.

Thank you for your kind words, ladies.

I was expecting people to say "why does it matter now if you've left him already?". I'm not sure why it's suddenly playing on my mind.

I just don't understand how anyone can have sex with someone who is clearly not into it. XH also used to insist I sit next to him while he masturbated. I told him I didn't want to, but he would hold onto my arm so I couldn't leave. I was clearly uncomfortable. I wouldn't even look at him.

How could anyone possibly get, or even stay, turned on in that sort of situation?

I would go further and say this is sexual abuse based on the fact he is fine about your crying