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Original poster

What would you think about this situation ?

24 replies

ThatDifficultOne · 20/08/2023 22:12

I have a cousin - when we were growing up we were quite close. She was always lovely, very quiet , shy but once relaxed was funny and kind. There was always something I couldn’t quite put my finger on with her though. I never fell out with her, as we got older we saw each other less due to distance but kept in touch.
She had a sister (who was not very pleasant but was clearly my auntys favourite). I could always sense a bad atmosphere but as a child it seemed like my cousin was being treated a bit unfairly ?

Whenever we saw each other we chatted, she seemed quieter each time and then nobody could really get hold of her.

Things started to come out from my aunty and my other cousin (her younger sister), that she was abusive, bad tempered, that they had always been scared of her etc. telling us a lot of things that didn’t fit with the person I knew and liked. A few years passed and she hadn’t spoken to anyone and these stories coming out seemed worse and worse. She didn’t even attend the funerals of family members she had been extremely close to. My aunty and cousin continued at every opportunity to bad mouth her and at one of the funerals said it’s was for the best she wasn’t there and they were glad the person who had passed away knew the truth before she died ??!

I’d messaged her and nothing. 2 weeks ago I bumped into her, I hardly recognised her at first as it’s been so long but she had her dc with her and I’d seen recent photos of them. I said I’d messaged had she not got them / changed her number ? I told her I’ve really missed her . She totally broke down, sobbing crying making excuses trying to get away. She told me she knows things have been said , that none of it is true but she hadn’t got the energy to defend herself to everyone so has given up. That she was always bullied and felt like a spare part in the family as her sister was the only one that mattered. I believe her, I don’t kwon what to do in this situation? The whole family believe my aunty and cousin - and all I saw was someone absolutely destroyed ?? I have no idea what on Earth has gone on but I have the gut feeling she’s not the one at fault - do I get involved ? Speak to my aunty and say I saw my cousin or just keep out of it ?

OP posts:
LooselyBasedOnAMadeUpStory · 20/08/2023 22:17

Don’t speak to the Aunty, it sounds like she would be capable of twisting things.p if the cousin is the wronged party.
Maybe support the cousin if you feel able, but don’t get in the middle of a she said this they say that at this stage.

Original poster
ThatDifficultOne · 20/08/2023 22:20

All everyone has heard for years is increasing awful stories about my cousin yet she has stayed silent till I saw her in person, why would she not have defended herself though? I do believe her as I always felt something was ‘off’ when we were children but it just seems strange to know someone is spreading lies and Not defend yourself ? She did seem very very resigned to the fact there’s nothing she can do

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatDifficultOne · 20/08/2023 22:23

One thing that really stood out to me was how my aunty would always be fussing over her younger daughter and then when she saw me seemed to really fuss over me but only if my cousin was there and she would send her away saying ‘I want to spend time with my niece so off you go!’ and i almost felt like she was trying to make her jealous as she always looked hurt

OP posts:
Qbishy · 20/08/2023 22:26

ThatDifficultOne · 20/08/2023 22:20

All everyone has heard for years is increasing awful stories about my cousin yet she has stayed silent till I saw her in person, why would she not have defended herself though? I do believe her as I always felt something was ‘off’ when we were children but it just seems strange to know someone is spreading lies and Not defend yourself ? She did seem very very resigned to the fact there’s nothing she can do

Defend herself to who? How?

You need to ask a few victims of narcissists on here to explain things.

In the meantime, get back in touch with your cousin, but don't make it all about wanting to know what has gone on, or intending to insert yourself in her relationship with her family. Just spend some time with her. Be a friend.

Original poster
ThatDifficultOne · 20/08/2023 22:31

Qbishy · 20/08/2023 22:26

Defend herself to who? How?

You need to ask a few victims of narcissists on here to explain things.

In the meantime, get back in touch with your cousin, but don't make it all about wanting to know what has gone on, or intending to insert yourself in her relationship with her family. Just spend some time with her. Be a friend.

Show quote history

I’m not sure I was surprised she knew and just didn’t seem to have any
thing at all to say because I feel like if it was me I would be making sure nobody believed lies about me ? Especially the sort of things that have been said and she seemed very very shocked that I said how much I missed her and how I’d tried so hard to get in touch - she just looked like she couldn’t believe there was someone who would want to get in touch with her ?

I don’t know much about narcissist abuse I think I might have to do some research

OP posts:
Qbishy · 20/08/2023 22:53

But it isn't you, OP. You have no experience of what her life has been like, but you are busy deciding how she should be reacting.

Just get back in touch with her, and be a friend. Don't tell her how she should be behaving, or reacting. Just treat her as a human being worthy of respect. She might not have had a lot of that.

Qbishy · 20/08/2023 22:55

If you go in there telling her how she should be reacting, or what she should be doing, you'll just be one more person telling her how she isn't worthy.

Original poster
ThatDifficultOne · 20/08/2023 23:04

Thankyou that’s good advice , I think I’m approaching it from my perspective and it’s hard to understand. I will make sure she knows I want to just listen and support her

OP posts:
Qbishy · 20/08/2023 23:10

I am sure that listening and supporting her would be great. But she might be totally weary with it all, and just want to be! With a friendly relation.

Dery · 21/08/2023 08:17

The reason things felt off to you may have been because you were dealing with a child experiencing serious cruelty at the hands of her mother - a person with whom she should feel completely safe and a person who should love her unconditionally. That would be incredibly hurtful and damaging to any child. The mother sounds monstrous. Criminal, in fact.

It sounds like your cousin has managed to make a life and family for herself and has perhaps gone no contact with her mother and sister to achieve this. Hence your aunt and cousin having to propagate the story that she was abusive. In any case, they’ve made sure she can’t come back into the family.

Your cousin may find it too painful to be around you because of your connection with other family members but if not you could try reaching out to her and seeing if she is interested in friendship with you. But don’t discuss the family with her. She doesn’t need that shit in her life.

And perhaps when you hear poison spouted, you could be a voice saying things like there are 2 sides to every story and refusing to accept the lies. But bear in mind that your aunt has had decades of practice at destroying lives - she has been comfortable destroying her own daughter so she won’t be merciful to anyone else.

OriginalBin · 21/08/2023 08:26

Your reaction is quite odd — you are blaming her for not reacting to her family as you feel you would have. Dial that right back if you want to reconnect with her. You’re victim-blaming.

Original poster
ThatDifficultOne · 21/08/2023 08:28

Dery · 21/08/2023 08:17

The reason things felt off to you may have been because you were dealing with a child experiencing serious cruelty at the hands of her mother - a person with whom she should feel completely safe and a person who should love her unconditionally. That would be incredibly hurtful and damaging to any child. The mother sounds monstrous. Criminal, in fact.

It sounds like your cousin has managed to make a life and family for herself and has perhaps gone no contact with her mother and sister to achieve this. Hence your aunt and cousin having to propagate the story that she was abusive. In any case, they’ve made sure she can’t come back into the family.

Your cousin may find it too painful to be around you because of your connection with other family members but if not you could try reaching out to her and seeing if she is interested in friendship with you. But don’t discuss the family with her. She doesn’t need that shit in her life.

And perhaps when you hear poison spouted, you could be a voice saying things like there are 2 sides to every story and refusing to accept the lies. But bear in mind that your aunt has had decades of practice at destroying lives - she has been comfortable destroying her own daughter so she won’t be merciful to anyone else.

100% I always had such a strange feeling around her , and it wasn’t her it was either a very bad atmosphere at their home or if they were visiting us there was just something I could never put my finger on I suppose as I was a child too but I almost felt on edge and didn’t know why and I felt like I had to really spend a lot of time initially at every visit making her feel happy and then she would relax enough to play etc but it was an odd experience for me as a child. I remember occasions where I’d overhear little things and not anything terrible even just the very occasional whispered comment or seeing how her sister was held up as this amazing beautiful child (when she was actually spoilt and a complete annoyance) and my cousin was mocked by her younger sister often with things a child that age wouldn’t say (probably copying things heard at home in now wondering?)

Ill follow the advice on here and I’ve been reading a little about narcissism 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatDifficultOne · 21/08/2023 08:30

OriginalBin · 21/08/2023 08:26

Your reaction is quite odd — you are blaming her for not reacting to her family as you feel you would have. Dial that right back if you want to reconnect with her. You’re victim-blaming.

Yes I don’t mean to , I definitely am looking at it from what I’d do and I was just shocked that all these things are said yet not one word ever from her but she clearly has no energy left to even think about dealing with any of it I very much got the impression she thinks it will all have been believed and that she has no chance of making anyone see what the truth is ?

OP posts:
Purpleraiin · 21/08/2023 08:41

I'm the family member who has been pushed out and lied about over the years by my dad. Believe me I've tried countless times to defend myself to family and it seems the more I spoke up, the more what I said was passed back to my dad and the worse his lies about me became. So I gave up and became just like your cousin. I totally cut everyone off because I was sick of defending myself and making it or worse or feeling like I wasn't believed.

Funnily enough I also have a cousin who reached out to me and who I am now in touch with. She's kept out of it as my dad truly is vile so I cannot blame her but she reached out to me and she believes me. Having that one person In my family believe me and care has made the world of difference for me. Don't worry about defending your cousin or trying to get other people to see it, just be a part of her life and hopefully it will make the same difference it has for me

RaidFlySpray · 21/08/2023 08:45

I think that you have to consider that maybe you'd defend yourself because you were raised to be confident, to use your voice, to stand up for yourself. She was probably never taught how to.

NeedTheSeaside · 21/08/2023 08:45

As you 'bumped into her' can I assume she lives near to you? Or was she visiting away from where she lives?

if possible, I would start by asking if she wants to meet up for picnic lunch with the kids. Some neutral place anyway.

leave the white elephant!

Let her see that you like her, you're not buying the shit (without saying anything)

to use the wanky phrase 'reconnect'. Take things slowly.

Original poster
ThatDifficultOne · 21/08/2023 08:52

NeedTheSeaside · 21/08/2023 08:45

As you 'bumped into her' can I assume she lives near to you? Or was she visiting away from where she lives?

if possible, I would start by asking if she wants to meet up for picnic lunch with the kids. Some neutral place anyway.

leave the white elephant!

Let her see that you like her, you're not buying the shit (without saying anything)

to use the wanky phrase 'reconnect'. Take things slowly.

No she lives quite far from me but I was visiting my mum who now lives near my aunty

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatDifficultOne · 21/08/2023 08:54

RaidFlySpray · 21/08/2023 08:45

I think that you have to consider that maybe you'd defend yourself because you were raised to be confident, to use your voice, to stand up for yourself. She was probably never taught how to.

I think that’s exactly it

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 21/08/2023 09:12

Just send her a short message saying “I believe you. I always knew something was up. I’m here for you if you want that from me. X”

hdbs17 · 21/08/2023 09:16

On first read, my initial reaction to that is - something happened to her that was caused by her family. She's the victim and the family have pushed her out and spun lies that the Mother was the victim.

I would just get in touch with her and be friends, don't pry too much about the past and what has happened and just her friend. She'll tell you in good time, but I wouldn't relay anything back to the family because it may cause her more issues.

Watchkeys · 21/08/2023 09:23

Take people as they seem to be to you, not as others tell you they are.

Nice people don't badmouth others, even when they've done wrong, so it would make sense that your cousin is respectful and your aunty and other cousin are unpleasant. That would create a situation where they would say horrible things about her and she would stay silent until she couldn't hold it in.

Mariluisa · 02/12/2023 14:54

In case you see this OP, hope it’s going well with your cousin.

Something very similar happened in my extended family (for decades) and it’s come to a head this year, quietly but definitely. I related to what you wrote because what may make the change in our situation is 2 cousins reconnecting after years of the ‘noisy stories’ and family narrative.

You absolutely can just give up the hope of ever being believed if this cruelty is mostly in secret and starts young. It could take a good while to trust the motives of ANY relative in the extended family, or to believe that anyone will see you as other than family of origin make you out to be. It’s so intimidating and alienating, and at a certain point giving up your place in the family seems like the only choice available.

One thing I’d add is that there is no ‘he said she said’ in systemic abuse. There is just abuse. Most victims have to lose everyone due to people ‘not wanting to take sides’. It happens with domestic abuse between couples too - where the victim of the abuse loses their whole friendship group and often family support. Siding with the abuser(s) costs nothing and maintains the status quo. Supporting an abused person does mean doing something

GreyCarpet · 02/12/2023 21:15

I am your cousin.

She is traumatised by her experiences.

She doesn't even consider people will believe her version of events.

It takes all of her energy to carry on putting one foot in front of the other. She doesn't have the capacity to explain herself to others too.

She believes that, if anyone cared about her side of things, they'd have asked.

She only has herself. She needs to protect her mental health as much as she can.

She believes the rest of the family already see her through her mother's eyes.

Don't speak to your aunt or her sister.

If you want to genuinely hear her version of things, ask her. And listen.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 21:27

I've known people like your "aunty." They are poisonous, through and through.

Ask yourself, who on earth would ever speak that way, to anyone who would listen, about their own child? Most parents who actually do have children who are awful people don't advertise it because they still deeply love their child.

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