Is there any way out? (TW: SA)

[AndHarry]

I divorced exH nearly 10 years ago. He was abusive in multiple ways over our 7-year marriage.

We have two DC. Social services are lightly involved in his contact with them and no overnight contact is allowed without family supervision. He also has a younger DC from his second marriage, who he doesn't see.

For most of the last ~10 years, he's lived a considerable distance away and this has meant limited contact. He's also had periods of several months where he hasn't seen them at all. He's always keener on contact when he has a girlfriend to impress, and this is the case now. He's moved back to our home town to move in with his latest girlfriend. All the children's scheduled contact time is spent at her house.

I can't bear it. He drops and picks them up like toys or fashion accessories. He turns up randomly at their activities. He even volunteered as an assistant coach at DC1's football club (but rarely actually turned up). He turned up at DC1's parents evening, having not been involved for years.

He doesn't do anything actually useful, like take them to these activities, organise or pay for them. He's just always there, and when he isn't, I'm watching over my shoulder waiting for his face to appear.

I still live in what was our family home. Since he moved back, I have flashbacks again to him repeatedly raping me when I'm in the bedroom I still have to sleep in, or when I'm in the kitchen I'll flash back to him walking in through the door after work. I have nightmares about him every night. I wake up from these nightmares and have to check that it's DH sleeping beside me and not him. He's always there and I can't escape from him, ever, whether I'm awake or asleep.

I have another 8 years until DC2 is old enough that I never have to see ExH again and I don't know how I'm going to survive. I came close to killing myself so many times when we were married, but at least then I believed that I had a way out. I was so happy when he left and I divorced him. Now my life is a nightmare again, because of him, and I can't see a way out.

Please help.

Can you move house somehow? That would not solve the core issue of your being tied with him through shared children but it would at least remove the trigger of being in the same house.

Yes, DH and I have been discussing that this evening. I've stayed put so far as the DC are settled in the local schools and the mortgage is manageable.

Also apologies if this is unhelpful, but if he has raped you then I wonder if there is any way to get a restraining order against him that would prevent him from just turning up in places where you will be, even without having to do a full blown criminal trial which I am sure you have your valid reasons for not having pursued. Perhaps a legal advisor from a group that supports survivors of sexual violence might be able to provide an answer regarding what is possible and what would be involved from your side in order to make it happen?

In any event it is great that you have remarried and that (it sounds like) you have a supportive partner in dealing with this.

Thankyou for the help. I had an NMO to stop him harassing me before, but reported several violations and the police didn't want to know. Then covid hit, my renewal application was lost by the court and I just couldn't face putting myself through the process again. I'll call the NCDV tomorrow.