Impossible to date again!

[Bluemoon0]

Ex and I separated over 3 years ago and currently going through a divorce. I have lost all interest in dating, being in a relationship and men all together.. I feel like it is impossible for me to trust or love someone again. My ex was unbelievably abusive ad toxic for the majority of the 5 years we were together. He cheated with several women from which I contracted an STI. He regularly gave me the silent treatment which lasted months at times. I was subjected to name calling, verbal and financial abuse (he owns the house we lived in and paid for the mortgage). He even tried to make myself and young DC homeless by putting the house up for a sale with a fast-selling agency. He never did any childcare and has no interest in seeing DC now, he rarely visits. He was never supportive all around. And, the list goes on...He was basically a monster in human form.

I think about the abuse everyday and although I have seeked help, the trauma is still pretty much there. Has anyone been abused by a partner and managed to get into a new relationship with a person they trust and feel safe with? I'm 28 and would love to have that feeling again, but sadly too much damage has been done.

You're 28 and have a whole life ahead of you! For now, you are trying to heal and recover from what happened. This will take a long time and you will eventually have another relationship. Rushing in would not work but you quite rightly say you are not ready and this is normal. All I can say is just enjoy your life as much as you can with your child and the right man will come along.

Give yourself a break! You don't HAVE to have a partner for now, or ever. Concentrate on building a life you love.

Sending you hugs. You’re still so young, take your time to heal after what that bastard put you through. Have you tried therapy/counselling? There’s also some great books, take a look on Amazon.

you will meet someone who deserves you. The greatest gift you can do for yourself
is to heal, take a break, and figure out what you’re looking for in a partner.

Have you done the freedom program? When you are ready it will help you spot the red flags early on.

@SquishyGloopyBum Thank you for the suggestion. I've googled it now and it seems helpful.

Thank you all for the reassurance. I'm still in the processing of healing and accepting what happened. I feel some pressure from family to start dating again within a set timeframe, otherwise I'll apparently get too comfortable being alone, and find it harder to adapt to being with someone.

You need to do things at your pace, no one else's. Just try to have fun with friends, keep an open mind and the right person may come along, no need to actively start to date until you feel comfortable

Family like this need ignoring - pushing you to date when you're not ready and making out it's not OK to be single - maybe they're part of the problem that saw you ending up with an abusive man?

What was your childhood like?

I would look to make sure you build yourself up, come to terms with the abuse and look at any underlying reasons you might have ended up with him in the first place, before you consider dating.

It's really common to for people who have been in abusive relationships to fall into similar ones afterwards, so taking your time is the right thing.

Well I'm only four months out and I'm not looking into it yet obviously but wife was abusive, as weird as that is. I understand how you feel, I'm thinking like how do I even start again whenever that is but at the same time there's no other alternative than to try and trust.

Not that I can imagine it right now but imagine what a stable relationship would be like. No silent treatment, screaming, psychical and just being able to communicate...like normal people do.

It's hard but don't let it consume you. I presume like me you know the warning signs. Learn from it that's all you can take away but don't let their control over you continue.

Don't rush, take your time it's your life, nobody else's and there will be someone right. The total opposite of that shit show.

@category12 I felt obliged to stay with him because some family members continually talked about women that were in worst situations than me. And, how he was still 'good' because of his financial stability (he's a high earner), educated, assumed all responsibility of the mortgage and treated me to some holidays.

Childhood was okay, although dad was often physically abusive towards mum. She also stayed for us and through a lot of family pressure.

The fear of falling into a relationship similar to my last is what is also blocking me from considering dating again!

I think what your family is saying is true though. I’ve been single 6 years now and it feels impossible. I wish I hadn’t left it so long.

So you grew up in a household with domestic violence - that was basically setting you up for abusive relationships in adulthood. You saw your own mum sticking out violence and abuse and then found a partner who abused you in turn.

Seems like your family members almost want you to have rubbish boundaries and low expectations of partners, perhaps because it's their own norm, and perhaps have a worldview that having any relationship is better than none.

I think the Freedom Programme is a good shout and perhaps counselling with someone experienced with domestic abuse.

Can I ask what you're finding difficult? trust, building a bond with someone, find an interest in someone..