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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Talk me through what happens now?

22 replies

sugaryouth1 · 20/08/2023 08:38

I thought I had an OK marriage. Supportive and stuff but it's all crashed down. We have been arguing a lot. Stupid things. The main issue is communication. He doesn't communicate. He shuts down. He just sits there and shuts down and its infuriating.

We had an argument last week. He told me he was leaving, he didn't want to see our child ever again, that he didn't want anything to do with the house. He was going to stop going to work and disappear and basically live outside until he dies. As far as I'm aware he has no mental health issues but I'm also aware those words are not the words of a healthy person. He walked out and finally came back. I told him he needed help. That what he did was not okay. And we've kinda pottered on.

Anyway I can't get over those words. I can't make him get help. The house and finances and childcare fall mainly on me. So we had another argument and the same came up again. He's walked out. This time he's turned his phone off this time. I've no idea where he is, if he's safe. I asked him to tell me when he got somewhere safe but he said he won't because I don't care. He left. Left his house keys and his wedding ring.

What happens now? We have a house, a mortgage and a 3 year old. I don't earn enough to pay for this house. Not with the cost of living. I can't live like this anymore and I shouldn't have to. It's definitely over but I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 20/08/2023 09:16

Has he left in his car? If so you can contact the police as you have concerns for his MH. If on foot you can give his name and description to police for the same.
It’s unusual, I think, for a man to walk out and make himself homeless, possible he has had an exit plan for a while? Possibly another woman.
I’m afraid you’ll have to start putting all the financial ducks in a row as it’s essential you keep a home for yourself and your child. Can you take some leave from work atm ?

Andthereyougo · 20/08/2023 09:17

I’d also add some bolts / extra locks to the doors so he can’t just let himself in.

Original poster
sugaryouth1 · 20/08/2023 09:22

Neither of us drive so he's on foot. Phones still off..I'm currently on holiday for 10 more days as it was my daughters birthday. I feel completely lost

OP posts:
Misknit · 20/08/2023 09:25

This sound like a mental health crisis not someone upping sticks for another woman. Contact his family and the police now.

Gooders1105 · 20/08/2023 09:26

Apply for Child Tax Credits today. This is to help single parents. You can find out what you’re entitled to here: https://www.gov.uk/tax-credits-calculator
That will help you work out what you’re entitled to and if that will help fill the gap. Have you got family or friends nearby that could help out if you went back to work full time as soon as you could?
You can’t help someone who refuses help. Time to prioritise yourself and your child. Good luck OP. You’ve got this. X

Tax credits calculator

Estimate how much tax credit (including Working Tax Credit and Child Tax Credit) you could get every 4 weeks during this tax year, 6 April 2021 to 5 April 2022.

https://www.gov.uk/tax-credits-calculator

Pixiedust1234 · 20/08/2023 09:35

They are not the words a normal person would use but they are certainly the words of someone who is manipulating you so you give in more easily because you are worried. It's emotional blackmail so don't fall for it. He's trying to shut you up.

Get all the financial paperwork copied or photo'd.
Hide yours/child's passports.
Contact a solicitor for financial advice.
On his return ask for a divorce. You can start it going online so you only need a solicitor for the financials/custody agreement.
If he's gone for 2 days and nights and have no idea where he is/mates hiding him then contact the police.

embod · 20/08/2023 09:37

This must feel completely overwhelming at the moment so try and just deal with one thing at a time. It does sound possibly like a MH crisis and more than just ending a marriage. Contact his family/friends and the police. Your main priority is establishing his safety. Once that’s done you can start to look to the future and find out what support would be available to you. Speaking as someone who went through a marriage break up and was left carrying all the household stuff and significant debts there are ways to work things out.

Be kind to yourself as this sounds an incredibly stressful situation x

MrsFiddle · 20/08/2023 09:43

Ask your bank to freeze your account as he is "missing".

Original poster
sugaryouth1 · 20/08/2023 09:50

My main concern right now is my little girl. I don't know where he is..his phones definitely off or he's blocked me..I've contacted his dad but haven't had a response. He's read my message, just not replied. I haven't rung the police. I don't know if I should. It's only been a couple of hours. Regardless of what he's going thru I'm fairly certain my marriage is over. This isn't fair on my little girl at all

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 20/08/2023 10:18

I've contacted his dad but haven't had a response. He's read my message, just not replied.

That's your answer. He's at his dad's and both of them want you to be upset and worried. If you want to protect your child don't let him back into your life to keep doing this over and over again. Let him go, let his dad deal with any mental health issues. Look after yours and your child.

Twazique · 20/08/2023 10:39

He has done it a second time because it worked the first time.

Next step is to split up from him.

Original poster
sugaryouth1 · 21/08/2023 13:23

Right he's still not back. Can anyone help me with what I'm supposed to tell my 3 year old? She's asking for daddy and if we can video or go see him. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to see her. In the only contact I've had that's what he said. He doesn't want to see her. This is going to break her. She's 3. How am I supposed to tell her this

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2023 13:27

For now, just tell her that Daddy had to go on a trip and he'll be back soon. A three year old doesn't need the real story or any detail.

Your husband is manipulating and gaslighting you. Change the locks and contact a solicitor. Stop playing this ridiculous game of his.

Lowtower · 21/08/2023 13:36

I've been here, and I found that once I stopped messaging and chasing they came running back.

Massively controlling this level of behaviour, mental health crisis or not, its no excuse to put you and your child through this level of uncertainty.

If he needs help then he needs to get it, if not, boot him the fuck out and move on.

Original poster
sugaryouth1 · 21/08/2023 13:53

Our marriage is definitely over. There's no doubt about it. I've changed the lock this morning. I just don't know how to tell my 3 year old that he doesn't want to see her. And that breaks My heart. Cos she adores him. And I thought he felt the same but apparently not. So so angry

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 21/08/2023 15:45

Do you actually know where he is? What have his family said? If he’s missing you need to contact the police asap.

Original poster
sugaryouth1 · 21/08/2023 15:55

He's at his parents. That much I do know

OP posts:
Wouldyouguess · 21/08/2023 16:12

Crappy that his parents are supporting this rather than support you and their granddaughter!
He will have obligations financially to pay towards her though, I would contact a sollicitor.

Original poster
sugaryouth1 · 21/08/2023 16:21

Is a solicitor a lot of money? Cos I'm pretty skint right now

OP posts:
category12 · 21/08/2023 16:26

You don't tell her he doesn't want to see her: you tell her he's staying at granny's but he's busy (working or something) at the moment, and you distract her if you can. Helping you cook tea or going out or a story or whatever she likes doing.

He'll probably want contact later on, (or at least I hope he will).

Just play for time with her. Don't make her any promises about when she can see him, but telling her that he doesn't want to see her is just too much for a little un and may not be true in the medium to long term.

Pixiedust1234 · 21/08/2023 16:31

I just don't know how to tell my 3 year old that he doesn't want to see her.
You don't. Ever. Tell her daddy is on a work trip and will be back once the job is finished. You have no idea how long that will be but until then let's carry on with *insert whatever - dinner, walk, bedtime, peppa pig. Keep it short and breezy.

Is a solicitor a lot of money? Cos I'm pretty skint right now
Depends where you are. Some will do a free 20 minute session, some will do a fixed fee for an hour. Email or call a few to find out their rates. Make sure you have a list of questions you want answering rather than sit there in silence. Don't use them as therapy or blame game, keep it factual.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this Flowers

btw...if he truly was having a mh breakdown I'm pretty sure his parents would be talking to you to try to understand him/how to help him, and trying to reassuretheir grandchild. The fact they haven't tends to lend it more towards him bad mouthing you. Keep that in mind.

Pixiedust1234 · 22/08/2023 20:29

@sugaryouth1 how are you doing today? Hopefully your head and heart is spinning a little less Flowers

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