I’m feeling very conflicted and a bit like an idiot!
I’ve been with DP for 14 years, I’m 38. We have no kids but we do own a house and have a dog.
We mostly get on well, he’s one of my best friends. Our values are similar and we rarely argue.. we have ‘tiffs’ but never full blown arguments. My life is easy - we both like to cook, we both clean, both do any DIY. I earn more than him but equally, I spend more (I like cloths.. he likes to make sure he’s not walking round naked but isn’t that into fashion etc).
But, that’s it. It feels like I’m hanging out with my best friend. And that’s really comfortable. We spoke about kids, conversations ended up with neither of us feeling passionate one way or the other. We’ve been engaged for about 6 years, neither of us are at all motivated to actually organise a wedding (then covid etc). Sex has dwindled to a halt, but we are affectionate (more than friends would be). Yes, lack of sex bothers me (gym helps a lot!!)
Since covid it feels like this has got worse - during covid an easy living situation was a blessing, now we both work from home… and, well, I can see how absence is needed to make the heart grow fonder!!
To try and get away from the housemate/friend situation, I’ve actively expanded both of our social circles. I figured if we’re apart more maybe that will help, I spoke to him about this. He’s not as social as I am so this has meant him going out with people without me occasionally but generally it’s me who is out. He’s also not put the effort into this but ‘pre-getting out there’ he did have a little breakdown about not having friends etc… so I think it’s more a confidence thing than a lazy thing. Anyway, now we see people socially as a couple at least once a week, I have a little gym addiction so I’m there quite a lot plus I’ll go out every few weeks to a pub/lunch with a friend or two, and he occasionally ventures out without me (normally with doggo.. he is 100% her favourite. But it’s because he sneaks her food, fickle creature!). I also travel with work more now (job is in HR so I talk to a lot of people) I’m happier…. But if anything this has made me feel worse about our relationship.
Im now seriously thinking we just need to break up…. But my life is so incredibly comfortable, and I do love him. But I don’t think I can get the spark back, it’s too far gone.
My major worry in this is that I’ll end up meeting someone and I’ll end up ending things as a result, then it’ll be much more destructive. I’m not saying I’ll cheat (I mean, never say never .. I’ve not been in a situation where hormones take over while I’m in a relationship. Without the lived experience I don’t know what I’d do…when I was single I was happy to go with the flow.). However I have known several couples where this has happened and I can see it happening (some with full on affairs others just the emotional longing etc). The thing is, I sort of want him to meet someone else… it would be easier for me.
I think I know what I need to do…. But then I worry the alternative life is worse, I worry about him (I think he’s comfy), I worry that I’m going to loose a life I know a lot of people would envy (I work with someone who is in a massively abusive relationship), I even worry about the dog as she loves having a pack! There is so much worry. And practically, where to live, splitting an life etc. And 14 years, it’s a long time.
so, any advice? Anyone been in the same situation? Any thoughts on how to broach ‘the conversation’ (I normally trickle hints in then talk about things… but nothing as big as this)