Love but not "in love" anymore

[35and3]

I think that's what I mean anyway.

I'm 35, dh is 42. Together 12 years, married 6, three kids.

I feel the spark has gone. A long time ago to be honest. We're just house mates essentially. Rarely rarely intimate and that's down to me; I'm not interested and he's stopped trying as a result. But we do get on well though we never actually have time just the two of us. Yes I know everyone will say just make time, get a babysitter etc. Does the fact that whilst I acknowledge there's no time together, I'm not in any rush to do anything about it mean I've checked out?

He's attractive, kind, does some stuff round the house. I do virtually all baby though (youngest is 18m) and have done since dc was born. He works full time, I work 4 days.

Is this just life with three kids after a long time together? I've floated the idea of ending it so many times but is the grass greener? I don't know. No one's actually done anything, I guess I'm bored.

We go on nice family holidays, day trips etc with the kids. Last did something the two of us back in October and was for about 3 hours. Last had a night away the two of us in 2018. But as I said earlier, I'm not rushed to change that which I think says a lot.

I won't ramble more. Is this just normal marriage once you're over all the milestones together?

I think what you described is fairly normal. You just become housemates and a parenting team. I found once my youngest got a bit older I made more time for my husband and the intimacy returned. Now I actually enjoy spending time with dh.

I would try and work on what you do have and see if you can rekindle something before you consider leaving. At least while your kids are so young.

If he was to go off with someone else would you feel jealous or relieved ?

In my experience (we've been together for 11 years and our youngest is a little older than yours) no it isn't "normal" in the sense that I would describe us as very much in love. We do our best to prioritise our relationship as a couple. Nothing wild or extravagant but we've gone on a couple of lunch dates over the summer when the grandparents have been able to babysit for example. I'm not sure I would expect our relationship to thrive without us both putting in the effort to maintain it, especially during the "drudge" years of raining small humans.

Are you doing an unfair share of the boring bits of life? My husband does practically everything with our kids on the evenings and weekends (I'm a SAHP), he does their bath time every night and so on (weekends we're either doing stuff as a family or tag teaming round the kids which is mainly me enjoying catching up on chores ALONE while he spends time with them). He also does a lot around the house, not just "some". So, as well as us deliberately investing in our relationship, it's also maybe more of an equal partnership and I'm not doing all of the drudge myself (if I've correctly interpreted your description of your husband) which I imagine helps to keep it feeling like we're a couple on the same team rather than two individuals living in the same space?

I've floated the idea of ending it so many times but is the grass greener?

I'm not quite sure what you mean by this - do you mean being a single parent or having another relationship (being in a blended family)? Neither of which are easy! In the absence of any abuse I'd try to work on your marriage - is he aware of how you feel? Would you both do couples therapy? It seems like the bones of your relationship could make it good if you both worked at it.

*Is this just normal marriage once you're over all the milestones together?"

This sentence struck me. Assuming you mean that you've finished having babies I'd consider you to be in a wonderful stage of marriage where you start to be able to have more time to yourself and as a couple again, as the kids get older you can do more adventurous stuff with them, then medium term you're looking at being able to travel a lot more as a couple when the kids grow up/leave home, then maybe grandkids etc. So I'd not think of "all the milestones" being over by a long shot!

I think it is normal for life not to be all fun all the time. I'd certainly work at trying to get the spark back (as the poster above says, you're not alone in feeling this way and it's definitely possible to revitalise your relationship) as a plan A.

Sorry, I've rambled way more than you!

I think this is pretty normal when you have three DC and the youngest is only 18 months. I don't think it means things will always be like this - DH and I were a bit like this when we had three very young kids, but now they're older and we have a bit more time to ourselves we've found our way back and are happy and in love again.

Marriage needs work OP. Sounds like it's time you both started to make time and effort for each other.

Go out just you two for a lovely meal or even just a walk if you're skint. You need to reconnect as people rather than parents.

Give him a cuddle. A kiss. If he doesn't reciprocate you may have to talk about the lack of physical affection, (sex could flow from that so it's important).

Talk to him.

I know how you feel. We're currently on the most wonderful holiday in the sun and I could have written your thread.

Worst thing for me is I don't want to feel this way..I hate myself for thinking it and I don't want to throw away the great life we've built for ourselves because I'm a bit bored. I find the longer we go without intimacy, the worse it feels as well. If we do have good sex I feel alot closer to him but I don't want to force it !

What you’re describing is quite normal but this: “Marriage needs work OP. Sounds like it's time you both started to make time and effort for each other.

Go out just you two for a lovely meal or even just a walk if you're skint. You need to reconnect as people rather than parents.

Give him a cuddle. A kiss. If he doesn't reciprocate you may have to talk about the lack of physical affection, (sex could flow from that so it's important).

Talk to him.“

This is really important. You’ve brought 3 children into this set-up. You owe it to them to have a good go at making the relationship work.

Also if you’re working 4-days a week, why is most of the baby-care left to you? Unless you’re still breastfeeding, parenting should be evenly split between you, shouldn’t it?

It may not seem like it but this is a big issue which may result in a divorce so you should give it your top priority to address.

Thanks for the replies. Ultimately I'm a bit sad questioning whether this is it now, stuck in an excitement-lacking relationship. I'm only 35! By milestones I mean we own a house, are married, have three kids (and a dog!) all the "big stuff" has been "ticked off". The relationship is really dull and samey. What I question most is my own attitude to it and lack of Will to be bothered to make an effort. I guess that says a lot.

@35and3 I suppose you have to ask yourself, if you left him and found someone else eventually, would it all go through the same cycle? You get together, initial butterflies and excitement, then maybe get married, then will you feel the same 'is this it?' again?
When you're young the exciting things tend to be getting yourself a job and your own money, getting married and having kids.
Once that's all ticked off it's watching your kids grow up, getting going with your career again, maybe travelling.
I've recently started a new hobby which has got my fire going again.
I suppose once people get settled and comfortable, where does the excitement come from then?
I'm not saying I know the answer to that but it's food for thought isn't it?

Absolutely is @PeggyPiglet Ultimately yes I agree, if I ever did find another partner eventually the honeymoon phase would fizzle and I'd be in the same situation as now. Just a depressing thought that this is it. Monotonous drudgery to be honest but I'm aware that I should feel lucky for what I do have. I'm not belittling that at all.

@35and3 - you haven’t addressed the point about why you’re doing more of the baby-care but it doesn’t sound like that’s a particular cause for resentment.

Maybe you should have left your partner before having children but you didn’t and you have chosen to have 3 children with him. Parents shouldn’t stay together at all costs but you owe it to your DCs to try to make this work and to model a healthy relationship. You’ve had children so this isn’t just about you any more.

In fact, you’re sounding a bit silly and immature about this. It sounds like you just want a lifetime of excitement and moonlight and roses with your life partner. That’s not sustainable.

What is sustainable is a close and mutually supportive and loving relationship where sharing care for your growing family is part of your commitment to your family unit and to each other. Where you learn to see the romance in the fact that you’re going through the daily grind together but can still enjoy each other’s company, make each other laugh and so on.

But you’re making zero effort in that regard. A classic MN phrase is “the grass is greener where you water it”. You’re refusing to water the couple relationship. You’re wallowing in your discontentment. You’re assuming the problem is your H even though you have a bunch of posters saying the early years of parenting are like this and you need to work on your relationship so that it’s still there when you start to get more time (as your children get older). You would almost certainly be feeling like this whoever your H was (and possibly a lot worse given some of the H’s we hear about on here). You’re taking a lot for granted.