Back story i (42) was married until 2014, in 2015 i met someone new and it was perfect, like if someone took everything i ever dreamed for in a partner and relationship and rolled it into my ideal man, he was it. My perfect. He was also a narcissistic pathological liar and everything he told me was completely fabricated, him cheating was how i discovered everything was built on lies. Found that out in 2018 and immediately ended the relationship and have been single bar the occasional handful of dates until October last year.
I also have a long term male friend (39). Close to 20 years of friendship. I was friends with his partner too but through him as we had met through a hobby we share. My world is full of male friends from this hobby, so when i split up with my ex he knew everything and supported me through it. Along with other male friends in the circle. They all knew and were there for me.
Last year his parter left him. It was completely out of the blue and i tried to be there for him like he was for me. After a few months conversations developed into how this was the first time in 20 years of friendship we had both been single at the same time, and whether or not we should see how things went if we were together. It was a lot of talking about what ifs and maybes. I went to visit him as i had done many times previously (we live close to 100 miles apart), we went for drinks and one thing lead to another and we slept together. The next day we walked round his town, he lives in a very small town and i felt uncomfortable like i was being paraded around all his local area, we went to where he works, where he knew his family would be and i was introduced to everyone as his new girlfriend, even though id met some of them previously. I felt uncomfortable as it was all still so new. But he was my closest friend, we spoke regularly when he had partners but since we were both single it was all day everyday. So i tried to ignore that feeling and said i would try.
However. I live 100 miles away. I have 3 children from my marriage. 3 teenagers that saw what happened with my ex. I absolutely refuse to bring a new relationship into their lives until they have finished education as i dont want anymore disruptions to their homelife. They have been through enough. He has met them as my friend numerous times. But i dont want them to meet him as my partner any time soon. Because im not ready for that either. He said he understands this.
Over the last few months it has gotten more and more intense with him messaging constantly. But my life has also gotten more and more complicated and busy. I have a hard intense stressful job, i work long shifts and it takes its toll emotionally at times. Im studying for my MSc. Ive moved house. One of mt children had a serious injury and another was diagnosed with something life changing and needed a lot of support. Ive had some unexpected life deals you a shit hand runs of luck that impacted me financially. Ive had a close relative pass away. I needed space and time to deal with that and never got it even though i asked.
So ive ghosted. Ive got atleast 50 messages from him unread. Its been a month since i replied. I couldnt face the messages when i got them and now so much time has passed i cant bring myself to reply. Not only there but theres group chats for my hobby i now feel i cant participate in as he is in them all. Plus the hobby itself i cant do as hes there. All my friends, all of them, are in these chats. Even individually i cant talk to them as it would get back to him.
I feel like i have set fire to my whole life, all my social support is gone. My hobby thats my escape from work pressures and the things i see and deal with has gone. Ive lost my best friend and a relationship that had the potential to be good and built on years of friendship because I needed space and now dont know how to reignite conversation.
I dont know what to do or say. "Hi sorry life was too much so i burned what we had to the ground" doesnt seem good enough. I am diagnosed ADHD and shut down communication when overwhelmed and he knows this. But thats usually for a day or two. Not over a month.
What do i do? How do i fix this?
As a side note. As much as i know being with him would be good, hes a good man, we laugh, we share interests and ideals, he's attractive, hes loyal, he's supportive and encouraging, hes everything i should want, its not the fireworks i had with my ex. And i know that the ex manipulated and created a narrative that was completely untrue, and it was all done around what he knew i wanted and he made himself into that picture perfect man. How do i move on to a real relationship with someone else when that perfect doesnt actually exist? Maybe this is the bigger problem here.
I dont know. But i have no one i can talk about this with anymore. Ive isolated myself and its all my own doing.