How to stomach character assassination

[Virago1]

I have a relatively new friend who I've become very close to over the past year. Despite her being quite mean about other friends of hers I reasoned I didn't know the ins and outs of the situations, and she's never been anything but lovely to me.

Well, the tide has turned of course, and after making a recent new friend, she has started being pretty horrible to me. I pushed back gently and she has become incredibly vicious and very vocal to some shared acquaintances.

I know, I should not have ignored the red flags and seen this woman for who she is. Lesson learned, believe me. However, the thing I'm struggling with is her telling some twisted version of events to mutual acquaintances and acting like the injured party. I have plenty of evidence of her actions towards me, and the things she has said about the same people she's shit-talking me to, but do I share that?

I've encountered this sort of person before (I realise there's a lesson to be learned here!) but historically I've always taken the high road with mixed results, and to be honest, it's never felt all that great! I'm sorely tempted on this occasion to make my feelings known. I know it's not the right thing to do, but I'm sick of people treating me like shit just because they know I won't go as low as them.

I probably won't really go ahead with this, but the thought of slapping a beatific smile on my face knowing this person is slagging me off to all and sundry is galling. I've been in this situation and the high road is vastly overrated in my opinion.

If anyone has weathered this sort of situation and come off the better for it I would love some insight.

If you go low, she will most certainly go lower, and she's probably much more skilled at it than you are. Where will it end? How far would you be willing to take it? What possible positive outcome do you envision?

I am confident that the "all and sundry" know exactly what kind of person she is. They've heard it all from her before. Most people honestly don't give any weight to what people like her say.

@Aquamarine1029 thank you, that does back up what I was thinking. She is a bit of a local gossip and knows everyone, but to be honest most of them seem to give her a wide berth (presumably because they don't want to be on the receiving end of her attentions).

Annoyingly a mutual friend has been in touch and made it clear they think I'm being very unreasonable. If only they could know what she's said behind their backs! But if I share that then I feel like I'm really the one inflicting the hurt.

Oh well, the high road it is...

Yep, rise above it.

I think if a friend tells you that you are being unreasonable it’s ok to say something like remember there are two sides to every story and the truth is usually somewhere in between. If you are going to blindly believe everything she tells you won’t think much of anyone. And leave it at that

You're all so right. I know from experience I'd feel bad pretty much immediately if I were to be as vindictive as her. It's just so frustrating to know she's bad mouthing me, especially since I'm pretty new to the area.

I think it’s perfectly ok to speak the truth about it to whoever you want to. She can’t go lower if she’s been fucking rumbled.

Noble sacrifice should be for something f worthwhile.

If someone is approaching you and bringing this stuff up then you should say something. Don't go as low as her but just let them know to not believe everything they hear or ask if they really believe that you would do such a thing because you wouldn't.

And I don’t think enlightening your acquaintances about her crap is ‘going low’.

Thanks @AtrociousCircumstance @IHateFlies I would definitely defend myself if someone asked me about it directly.

In the past I've similar issues arise with friends, and people just politely keep their distance but I can tell they've been told something. I suppose those are the most annoying situations, where I want to let them know the truth but we don't know each other well enough so I have to just settle for someone thinking badly of me. Or risk looking like a loon by trying to tell them the truth about their 'friend'.

What did Buddha say, allegedly?! Three things cannot long be hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.

I've been in your situation: I lost all my friends and had to start from scratch. It was all a bit Count of Monte Cristo. In the end, though, people realised they'd been played.

Guess what, though?! By then, I no longer cared. I had a whole new life. Make that your focus. Don't look back, and don't make someone else's bullshit yours. X

Oh god this has brought back horrible memories of someone I used to know who tried to trash my reputation. All sweetness and light, and then became really quite twisted and threatening. I became an anxious wreck because of it, until I was practically rescued by others who knew what this person was like.

Just back away and cut contact. Forget about what other people think. If they don't know what you're dealing with now, sadly they will likely become victims themselves at some point. You will likely start to meet more and more people who will know what this person is truly like. It's awful to go through at the time but as said upthread, the truth will out.

@Alcemeg thank you, the comparison to the Count of Monte Cristo really cheered me up!

I'm sorry you went through what sounds like an even worse situation. I shall endeavour to be like you, and focus only on the future and what I want me life to look like.

As satisfying as a good smiting would be, it wouldn't make my life any better in the end xx

@Eglatina I'm sorry you had a similar experience, it really is horrible! Something so insidious when these things happen in friendships, I feel like things are much more open and cut and dry when it's a romantic relationship.

I'm trying to reassure myself most people will see who she is and not accept her narrative.

The other annoying thing is that she owes me money. Not a crazy amount, and I can afford to lose it, but deeply galling nonetheless. I'm going to try and think of it as the price I paid to find out who my real friends were.

You know what they say, when you fight a pig you both get dirty but the pig enjoys it.

Not quite as philosophical as the Buddha, I know.

Bless you!

I have to say, from what you say about her, anyone with half a brain will know to take her with a pinch of salt.

Yes, my situation was a bit more extreme, but even that resolved with time.

Keep your dignity and don't stoop to her level.

You sound lovely, there are much better friends around the next corner. X

Oh!!!! And that thing about money.

The saying goes, "If you lend someone £500 and never see them again, it was money well spent."

Enjoy being a nice person without a fucxker in your life.

I know it's not the right thing to do, but I'm sick of people treating me like shit just because they know I won't go as low as them.

If you're hearing from mutual acquaintances that she's slagging you off, it's not going low to say, "Kristy certainly recalls things very differently to how I do." If people ask how so, you can enumerate facts without sinking into character assassination. (ie "I lent her $50 that she has not paid back despite assuring me she would" is fine but "She's a thieving cow who will hive off with your money without a second thought" is character assassination.)

It is horrible. And it feels deeply unjust when you've been wronged, are in such angst and no-one else can see it. But if you take the good advice in the thread, you will come through it with your head held high, and become a stronger, wiser person for it! You'll learn strengths about yourself you never knew you had