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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex seeing DC

12 replies

BoatsAndHoes · 19/08/2023 22:04

Hello,

I really need some advice here because I have no idea what I should do.

Some background - me and ex were very on/off for 10 years. We have 2 DC together who are 9 and 2. We never lived together. He is unemployed and has been for most of the time I have known him. He hasn't paid any maintenance for longer than I can remember. Ex has always used cocaine. Please don't lecture me on why I had 2 children with him knowing this. What's done is done and the cocaine use was never a huge problem until recently.

Last summer his nan died, who he lived with and he had to move in with his mum who he does not get on with. He also inherited £10k and the drug used increased. A lot. He started becoming aggressive and his moods would flip instantly. It all came to a head in February this year when during an argument he punched me in front of the DC. We've barely spoken since - he doesn't ask how the DC are. A month ago I let him see them - he was 'triggered' again somehow and started throwing and kicking my youngest's toys around. He is now not welcome here at all.

My issue is this - he has apparently spoken to the police about how abusive I am towards him! Which is not the case. But I think what he is doing is building a case for himself should I decide to report his physical violence against me. He is telling me he will start seeing the children again from next month. I am scared that he will lose his temper with them and I won't be there to protect them. I am also scared that he will lie to them about things I have supposedly done. He is a compulsive liar. And what if he refuses to bring them back?

Can I stop him seeing our DC? Can I just block him and get on with our lives?

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 19/08/2023 22:07

Is his name on their birth certificates?

Original poster
BoatsAndHoes · 19/08/2023 22:10

WhateverMate · 19/08/2023 22:07

Is his name on their birth certificates?

Unfortunately yes.

OP posts:
Ghostjail · 19/08/2023 22:13

Then you will need to report his violence against you. Speak to a solicitor and ask a court to allow supervised contact only. They can also request a drug test. But you will have a much stronger case if you report the violence, particularly if you have witnesses. You could also seek support and advice from Women's Aid.

What did the police do when he contacted them about you being violent.

LittleOwl153 · 19/08/2023 22:14

Then you need to go to court and get a child arrangements order - or tell him to do so if he wants to see them. You can ask that he only has supervised visits due to drug use and can request he is tested to prove this. If he is allowed unsupervised you can ask for a penal order attached to the order so that the police have the power to return then to you if needed. (Without this part you will need to return to court to recover them as the police will say they are with someone with parental responsibility so nothing they can do.)

Original poster
BoatsAndHoes · 19/08/2023 22:15

Ghostjail · 19/08/2023 22:13

Then you will need to report his violence against you. Speak to a solicitor and ask a court to allow supervised contact only. They can also request a drug test. But you will have a much stronger case if you report the violence, particularly if you have witnesses. You could also seek support and advice from Women's Aid.

What did the police do when he contacted them about you being violent.

Thank you, this is all very good advice.

Well this is the thing - I haven't heard from them at all so he could be bluffing.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 19/08/2023 22:16

BoatsAndHoes · 19/08/2023 22:15

Thank you, this is all very good advice.

Well this is the thing - I haven't heard from them at all so he could be bluffing.

Show quote history

He likely is bluffing... all mouth and no trousers! Pathetic. But I wouldn't trust him either way!

Original poster
BoatsAndHoes · 19/08/2023 22:17

LittleOwl153 · 19/08/2023 22:14

Then you need to go to court and get a child arrangements order - or tell him to do so if he wants to see them. You can ask that he only has supervised visits due to drug use and can request he is tested to prove this. If he is allowed unsupervised you can ask for a penal order attached to the order so that the police have the power to return then to you if needed. (Without this part you will need to return to court to recover them as the police will say they are with someone with parental responsibility so nothing they can do.)

Amazing advice, thank you so much. I honestly have never been in a position like this before so I haven't a clue what all this means...! (Google is my friend) I've never been involved with the police for anything in my life.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/08/2023 22:18

Call women's aid for advice and change the locks if he has or had a key

Flakjacketon · 20/08/2023 09:46

Based on the experience of my DD. I would:
Report his violence to the police;
Keep a log of all interactions;
Tell him that if he wants to see the children he needs to apply to court for an access order;

When it goes to court bring up his drug use. CAFCAS will be involved , especially if he makes accusations against you. He then would be required to undertake drug testing.

My DDs ex had a problem with alcohol and was ordered to undertake a hair stand test. He shaved off every hair on his body the day before his test. The judge was not impressed.

Good Luck

Original poster
BoatsAndHoes · 20/08/2023 21:30

Just bumping this for any more advice.....

OP posts:
Original poster
BoatsAndHoes · 22/08/2023 14:03

Just an update - I had an officer round this morning to take some details and I have decided to go for a non-molestation order. Thank you to everyone for your advice.

OP posts:
Flakjacketon · 22/08/2023 16:00

Well done. You have to safeguard your children. He has kicked their toys around before, it could be ghe children next.

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