Pre baby and we never argued. Maybe niggles and being irritated at each other but nothing major. We enjoyed eachothers company, stayed up late indulging in our favourite hobby (nothing rude by the way, just trying to keep my identity here secret). Of course the abundance of sleep and spare cash definitely played a factor.
We now have a toddler. My maternity leave was lonely, I have one mum friend with a baby a similar age. None of my family visited very often, I had my mum stay for a week after baby was born and then she'd visit once every three or four months (she lives very far away). I found myself missing my SO and then when he came home from work I just didn't want to be around him and felt irritated by him for no reason. Probably because even when he was home I was the default parent.
I chalked it up to hormones and read that you should wait a year before really worrying about relationship changes and troubles after having a baby. Well we're a few months past that and while things have improved, we seem to have more bad days than good, or a good day can turn sour in seconds if one of us says the wrong thing. We are snippy with eachother all the time, and little things that never would've annoyed me now really get me riled up but I keep it hidden because I don't want to overreact at everything.
Our toddler does independently play but most of the time she wants our full attention, whether that's playing, reading, cuddling or just general toddler shenanigans. One problem I've found is I will be giving her my full attention like reading her a book or singing to her and my SO will just try and strike up a conversation with me halfway through, not even small chit chat, it'll be something like what is my opinion on how we should re decorate the garden, or he'll tell me about a complex situation at work. So then either I stop what I'm doing with my toddler which isn't fair on her and causes her to get confused, or I just give brief answers to SO to show I'm vaguely listening, which makes him feel unheard and unseen. I suggested we have important or longer conversations when toddler is in bed but he said then we'd barely talk to eachother.
Aside from this things feel quite dry, conversations will be "what do you want to do this weekend" "I don't mind, what do you fancy" "it's up to you." (last one drives me nuts, why is it always my decision???), we're both often too tired to cook and seem to have a worsening takeaway addiction (I'm talking three or four times a week) which I believe makes us sluggish and grumpy, we both work full time, we have no outside help apart from nursery which means we can't save any money till the funded hours kick in. I did read that we should hire a babysitter but our toddler takes a very long time to warm up to strangers, and is not comfortable being picked up by anyone but me or her dad. So I've no idea how we'd begin to introduce a babysitter. We've not had a night out together for over a year, baby was already in bed and my mum was visiting and stayed home so we could go for a meal. Otherwise she comes with us wherever we go. We do give eachother days off, one of us will take the toddler out while the other stays in bed to sleep or just stays home in the peace and quiet.
I've read about the roommate phase but this has been going on for a very long time. I love him deep down but it breaks my heart to say it definitely ebbs and flows but more frequently ebbs. He's an amazing dad, is very hands on and dotes on our toddler. He earns more than me and works very hard and pays most of the nursery bill every month. But it seems our toddler takes up so much of our time that I feel like we're just parents, no romance or intimacy or laughter.
I do love and care for him but most days it feels like it's not enough. I think he might be cottoning on because sometimes I will stay quiet because I worry ill say something rude or mean or sarcastic otherwise, and he will worriedly ask me if I still love him and if I'm OK. I do love him, we are engaged but this is the hardest thing we've ever done and aside from my traumatic birth and aftercare, the strain having a baby has put on us has made me 90% one and done. We've been together almost a decade and I sometimes worry about our future together, I don't want us to be grumpy with eachother every day for the rest of our lives but I've no idea how to practice the mindfulness to not sweat the small stuff and pull through. We love our daughter more than anything, she is so smart and beautiful and hitting all of her milestones and sleeping brilliantly but she is a little firey tornado most days.
I'm sorry for the vent, I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this (don't even have the time these days even if I did have someone to talk to).