Trapped in miserable marriage

[Pinkelephant26]

I’m not sure if I’m stuck here for now and need to suck it up, or if there’s an option I haven’t thought of.

Over 20yrs married 2 DC. DH has mental health problems. First half of the marriage was brilliant, since having second child his mental health has been very poor. Severe depression. At times slightly better, at times rock bottom. Now he has physical manifestations of his poor mental health ie is physically and mentally exhausted all the time, and can’t walk without pain. Doesn’t/can’t work, can’t claim benefits because no evidence of physical problem (another story), and can only provide very limited support to home life and child care. We don’t have sex anymore. We have grown apart hugely in terms of interests, life goals, priorities etc

The reason I’m trapped is because I have to be the breadwinner for my DC to have a roof over their head and food in their bellies. They are both disabled, one from birth and one developing a debilitating illness more recently. The one with recent disability can’t attend school and needs someone at home with them all day. There is hope they may improve over the next few years. Both DC are secondary school age.

So if we separate, I could maintain the home but only by working 4 days per week and that would mean no one at home with DC.

If we separate I also fear I will have to support DH in addition to the kids. I already have been financially supporting him for more than 10 years but it would be more expensive to do so if he’s in another home.

I’ve thought about: separate bedrooms and separate lives (but the resentment and the unhappiness are still there in my home), annexing part of the house for him(I haven’t got the money to do it, but we have got a large extended house and theoretically it could be possible), separating and him moving out / us staying here and he comes round everyday to care for DC - not much better than current situation.

I feel I can’t achieve my goal of having an entirely separate life from him until DC doesn’t need him at home anymore. And that could be 2-3 years. Or even more.

Don’t know what I want from the thread. Maybe talk about options I haven’t thought of, talk about the pros and cons of the other options, hear other experiences of deciding to stay put for the foreseeable and how to cope with that.

Bloody hell op that sounds tough. On a quick read I’d say that yes you’re committed for a couple of years, but when the kids are older hopefully get some of your life back?
in the meantime it’s finding small things to make it bearable?

2 to 3 years should go fairly quickly especially if you spend that time getting things in order ready to split from this unhappy situation . Get some legal advice and separate out your finances in preparation. You're too young to put up with this .

what you do lovey lady is concentrate on you and your needs.It is possible to mentally separate from your husband at least. This makes it easier to handle whilst you are becoming stronger. Your husband is an adult and as such should be doing what he can to access help to make him as mentally strong and well as he can be.It is not your job to carry him but I do understand your reasons for doing so but he must be accountable too. I say this from experience. I am where you are but for different reasons. I have my own friends and my own life inside this "marriage" and never the twain cross if I can help it. Its tough but doable and it helps me. My dh is bipolar and autistic and it brings so many challenges and so many highs and lows but I keep myself steady and for the time being it suits me to do so. I will not anymore after 15 yrs ever let him drag me down and he sometimes would wish to, when its tough if he doesnt get help from the agencies who are there to help him he gets no sympathy from me. I have enough on my plate and he does recognise when he is slipping. As punishment sometimes he tries to drag it out to get me to bend but I never do anymore. I am at peace as to where I am for now I hope you find some peace too.

Doesn’t/can’t work, can’t claim benefits because no evidence of physical problem (another story), and can only provide very limited support to home life and child care.

You don't need evidence of a physical problem to claim benefits.
I have had a similar experience of this myself, and as soon as separation came up it was remarkable how his ability to function alone improved, and I felt like a total mug.
The longer he is out of work, the harder it will be for him to get back into it, and the more you are likely to have to give him a high % in the case of a split (or even spousal maintenance, if you're a high earner). I bet he would also claim that he is staying home to care for the one needing to be home, as that could give him a higher share, as a 'primary carer' as well as having sacrificed earning capacity.

If you split now, then he could be home with the child as currently (and potentially claim carer's allowance) or he could find work and you split costs of someone to be home with the child, or you find work that allows you to be home more often. It is workable. It also means that you might have to move to a smaller place, which is hard, but I'd bet that the mental peace of not supporting someone else would be enormous.

You'd not have to pay for his place unless you are a high enough earner / have enough wealth that you don't need to be too worried for yourself.

Don't wait. It won't help.

Hey girl listen, It's clear you're shouldering a heavy load, and it's commendable how devoted you are to your kids. Considering all the options and seeking advice shows your strength.

But remember, a small step can make it bearable. While it might feel like a long road ahead, those 2-3 years will pass, and you'll regain more of your life soon.

Focus on your well-being too, and know that you're not alone. Others have walked similar paths and found ways to find peace amidst the struggles. Stay strong.

Considering legal advice and planning for the future could be beneficial. Have you considered couples counseling? It might provide valuable insights and support for your situation.

I have had a similar experience of this myself, and as soon as separation came up it was remarkable how his ability to function alone improved, and I felt like a total mug.

Me too.Suddenly being able to claim befits and suddenly being able to work. A friend not an ex.