Do I share with my in-laws the fact that my DH has a problem?

[fedupandisolated]

Okay - I have posted elsewhere about my husband's addiction to chatlines. This weekend I am going up to see my Mum and my Mum -in-Law (Mother's Day reasons). Things are very awkward at home this week and I am considering sitting down and talking to DH's parents in confidence and explaining that the reason I am moving back to my Mum and Dad is because DH has an issue he needs to sort out.

I am not going to say what the problem is - just that it is DH's problem. I'll be careful to say that he isn't ill or in any trouble but that his problem has financial and emotiuonal implications for me and have put hideous strain on our marriage.

I went through severe anxiety and depression in January and as far as everybody is concerned I am insisting on the move to give myself support.
The more and more I think about it though the more angry I get - why should I take the flak and be seen as the unstable woman who cannot cope without her wider family? In reality it is HIS problem which has driven me away and made me feel that we need an absolute break from each other while he confronts the problem and faces up to his responsibilities as a husband and father.

I am seriously thinking of discussing the fact that he has a problem and might well need some support. I can support him - but only from a distance at the moment - we are going to need some serious couple counselling before I can even THINK of getting back together with him and I need his family (parents) to know this. They are nice people but DH was the unexpected youngest child and the only boy - I think in all honestly he has always been allowed to live his own way and do his own thing with other people supporting financially when he gets in over his head.

Am I doing the right thing though in talking to his Mum and Dad? I want to support him and will continue to pay the bills until 1st May just to givve him a chance to build up a reserve in his account to meet May's bills. I've also downloaded a Housing and Council Tax benefit form for him as well. I am being more than fair to him. Just not sure what to say to his parents without scaring them or giving him away.

You sound as though you are in a difficult position, but I'm afraid I think telling his parents would absolutely be the wrong thing to do - a major breach of confidence.

I can understand your frustration, but for the greater long-term good I think you're better off biting your tongue. If you're confident that you've made the right decision for the right reasons, then you should try to let go of your anxiety about other people's opinions. You're free to say what you like to your own parents (in confidence), but where his parents are concerned it's not so clear-cut.

If his parents say anything to you directly about your being unstable or selfish, you could say something like 'There's more to it than that; the only people who really know what has gone on in our marriage are DH and I.' Take this line quite firmly if they are pissing you off.

I agree that you shouldn't be telling his parents, but saying to DH that he may want to tell them if he feels he can ask them for support.

Why is it you moving out and not him?

I'd be tempted to tell your parents so they know the full story.

I would also tell your husband to either tell everyone it isn't you that can't cope but he has a problem that is making it hard for you to stay with him at the moment, and if he won't, you will.

I am moving as I don't feel able to support him in isolation and need my wider family around me. He doesn't want to come with me as he has always dreamed of living in the West Country.

I have already told my Mum what the issue is and she has been fantastically supportive. Unfortunately when she spoke to MIL and heard MIL say "I just wish M would wait until J had finished this school year" Mum said "Look - there is an issue here you don't know about which is affecting their marriage badly and it's (DH's) issue". MIL doesn't know what the issue is and to be honest I think she has already buried her head in the sand and "forgotten" my Mum said this.
You are right PW in saying I just need to be strong and firm.
I may just think a bit further about this before I decide whether or not to speak to MIL.

If your husband is addicted to anything to such an extent that it is ruining your marriage, you should tell his parents and your parents.

You do not need to bear the burden of his addiction alone.

You also need professional support for both of you. Have you seen your GP?

agree 100% with anna

I would talk to my dp's parents if this was my situation. It depends what sort of relationship you all have I suppose and how they will treat him once they know. I think it would be terrible as a Mum to be informed that your son had a 'problem' but then not given the details.

Will they be supportive towards him or will they be ashamed and ridicule him? If the answer is the former then it may be best to say something, if the latter then don't, as it could make the whole situation worse.
Addictions need careful handling, no matter what the chosen drug is.

Agree with Anna

I always wanted to tell my xp dad that he was using coke but didn't have the guts as I knew there would be huge fallout.. I regret that decision now and wonder if things would have worked out differently if I had.

I dont think the burden of whether to say or not to say should be on you

It makes you complicit if you keep it secret

Thanks folks. I might say to DH that either he shares with his parents that the reason I am moving is because of a problem he has caused or I will. He desperately does not want me to tell ANYONE and would be mortified if he realised my Mum knew. I had to tell her though as I opened the phone bill and was so upset I rang her in a state and just blurted it out.
Someone in his family DOES know as he told me he had shared it with one of them but won't say who.

But - 10 years ago he borrowed £1500 off me for a car repair and then it wasn't repaired. When I questioned him he admitted that he owed alot of money to one of his siters but wouldn't say why - he now admits that he borrowed the money off her to pay a phone bill and had to give it back.

yes I am sure he doesnt want them to know

addicts like to keep it all hidden

I would tell them. It a breach of honour to let his parents think the difficulties are your fault, fedup. Why should you play the big bad bitch because he's ashamed of himself? He doesn't want people to think badly of him, so would you mind taking the brunt, please? He needs to take some responsibility.

IME addicts need consequences in order for the recovery process to begin.

Addiction by its nature is bound by lies, secrets and deceit. By withholding information, 'hiding' the problem to 'protect' the addict, you are enabling the behaviour to continue... the addict does not have to face-up to anything.

In your shoes, if I was asked by my MIL what was going on, I would have to be honest, I think. Obviously it won't be an easy thing to do. You might feel you are causing dh more hurt and shame by telling his family. But this is a consequence of his actions, and he needs to start dealing with it.

Hello fedup.
I am a regular but have name changed (if anyone knows who I am please don't out me).

Almost two years ago I made the hardest decision of my life so far, I left my DH. He is a lovely man and I still love him with all my heart but I could no longer look the other way over his obsession with internet porn.

I spent 18 months discussing it with him, begging to go to relate, begging him to admit he had a problem and to get help.

In the end and after a breakdown on my part I took our children and I left.

Of course I am seen as the bad guy in his family's and some of his friends eyes.
I have never stopped him seeing the children and I do not fleece him dry (I am not on benefits either).

I put up with the name calling and the nasty phone calls from his sister, was called every type of whore under the sun...in the end I spoke to his mother and told her it was not my fault she had raised a pervert that I could no longer live with, I told her the extent of his "illness" and she was shocked I have not told anyone else why I left and I still take the flack from people although I must say that H does defend me and has cut the ties with most of his family who have been unkind towards me.

It is very hard I know, but I would talk to your in laws and say that their is something going on that you can not accept and you will not be party to and they need to ask him about it. Good luck

I have absolutely no experience of this but I can't for the life of me see why you should shoulder the burden for this. Unless there is some major issue with his parents that means that they would be violent or totally dispicable then there is no reason why you should not tell them. You have been pretty saintly so far from what I can see.

Yes his parents may be very angry, shocked embarrassed but is that what he needs? Everything I have read about addicts backs up NotNow's post - they need consequences.

By all means give him the choice of you telling or doing it himself but make it clear that he needs to tell them the full extent of what has happened. Wishing you lots of strength.

Thank you all so much - you are great. I love MN and it's good to read other people's opinions from the "No - it's a breach of trust" to the "yes you should speak to the in-laws".

I have great faith in MN - it has really helped me over the past few months in staying sane and realising that I am not the only one having a difficult time.

Thank you

By the way - just added up the phone bills - in the past 5 months they have totalled £500 virtually. I have cancelled this month's direct debit and when they write I will give it to DH. I've also taken the £100+ that would have gone on the phone bill and put it in my savings account - a bit bitchy maybe but I am annoyed with him!

Might be an idea to have the telephone either cut off or transferred out of your name and into his- otherwise you will be liable for any future bills.

I would tell his parents.

I honestly don't think taking the phone money is being "bitchy".

It's just a part of the process of you 'detaching' from him and more importantly, his addictive behaviour. This in turn will lead to another consequence of his addiction which will be his responsibility to sort out now.

Agree that you should have the telephone transferred out of your name.

Thanks again everyone - from the next bill the phone will be in his name.