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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Arguing over mess

35 replies

Suffolkmum81 · 19/08/2023 06:34

I live with my two adult children, one is autistic . My partner moved in end of last year . He constantly complains about any mess my adult kids leave. I agree that should tidy up after themselves but I don’t want them to feel like they can’t even leave a plate without being moaned at . I already suffer terribly with anxiety and I feel like it’s making it worse, if I go out I rush home before him in case there’s any mess. We’ve spoken about it before and his answer is well if they clean up after themselves it’s not an issue so take it up with them. I’m considering ending the relationship and it seems so petty but it’s getting me down

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 19/08/2023 07:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Revolting? Oh come on, a few crumbs.

Clickandcollect82 · 19/08/2023 08:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ChesCazza · 19/08/2023 08:27

IT IS NOT ABOUT THE MESS

It is about the fact that yout partner thinks he can move into a new situation and dictate what will happen and that everyone else will bend to his will.

Have a long hard look at the relationship and ask yourself how often you are the one to compromise and put the needs/wants of your parent above your own.

Arguments about mess are never about mess. They are usually a symptom of a lack of communication and respect in the relationship.

ChesCazza · 19/08/2023 08:27

Sorry, that should say partner not parent!

ChristmasFluff · 19/08/2023 08:30

A partner is meant to enhance your life, not make it more shit.

As a PP says, this is not about the mess, even if it IS terrible. A true partner would see this as his problem too, because of the two of you being a team. They certainly would not be making your own stress worse.

Your life would be much easier without him, and maybe vice-versa is true too. Your instinct to end this relationship is a good one.

billy1966 · 19/08/2023 08:37

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 19/08/2023 07:22

If they were leaving an absolute shit tip then I could understand him calling them out on it. But a plate, or cups of crumbs is just everyday family life. He's being hugely unreasonable and it's impacting your mental health and you're having g to modify your behaviour which isn't a nice place to be.

This.

I have 4 children and a few crumbs and dishes in the sink are par for the course.
Of course I will tell them load them into the dishwasher, but it happens.

This is YOUR home and he is stressing you.

Tell him to leave OP.

Protect your home.

He has NO right to behave like this.

Get him out ASAP.

M340 · 19/08/2023 09:05

Suffolkmum81 · 19/08/2023 07:21

Apolgies I thought this was a place for support not to get ripped apart by other women

Is this your first day?

Original poster
Suffolkmum81 · 19/08/2023 09:11

M340 · 19/08/2023 09:05

Is this your first day?

Show quote history

No not it will be my last ,

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 09:14

Suffolkmum81 · 19/08/2023 07:21

Apolgies I thought this was a place for support not to get ripped apart by other women

You've had plenty of support but you're only responding to the posters being rude instead of thanking those who have taken the time to help you.

itsmyp4rty · 19/08/2023 09:22

DecayedStrumpet · 19/08/2023 07:39

Um... I'm not a very tactful person so I'll try and put this nicely 😁

You've had one person be mildly dickish on this thread, on this thread, plus a lot of supportive posters.
But you've instantly jumped on the criticism and taken it straight to heart, and been really hurt

I think you need to be a bit less sensitive to the opinions of others - including your DP!
People say things all the time you know, you don't have to actually listen to them 😉
Smile, nod and ignore... will get you a long way and do your blood pressure the world of good

The OP has a child who is ND, so there's a good chance that the OP may be (knowingly or unknowingly) ND too. ND people are often more sensitive, it's not something they can just 'get over' no matter how well meaning the advice.

OP your partner doesn't seem to fit in with your life or like your kids. He is stressing you out and you are now walking on eggshells rushing home to make sure everything is how he likes it. It's time to end the relationship and ask him to leave.

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