Marriage counselling

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To those of you that have tried marriage counselling/couples therapy, is it worth it? Does it work?

In my case yes, but probably not in the way you expect. I had booked to go with then partner but the relationship ended before the appointment. I went anyway and found it very beneficial.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Depends on what you are going for and your attitudes going into it? You need to be open to explore.

I had an affair years ago and did a lot of therapy after. It can be terribly invasive and evoke strong feelings, but I needed that to understand and unpick what had happened and why it had happened. I am so glad I went, it helped massively. But I needed to go in with the right mindset. If I had gone in and was defensive or unwilling to understand that I was in the wrong, I don't think it would have been as effective.

Small tip. Choose time of appointment wisely. I tried some counselling mid day and I found it too disruptive as I couldn't then get myself focused back at work. End of day was better for me. So that there was time after session to reflect on what was talked etc without the distraction of everyday work commitments.

I found standard couples therapy to be worse than useless.
We've just started Gottmann method therapy which has been a revelation.
H and I have differing hopes for the outcome. I currently want to split, he doesn't.
But I'm still going to continue with it as I feel this is going to mean I can make a truly informed decision and be at peace with whichever that is.
I do think it's important to see someone who solely works with relationship counselling.

I have never heard of this therapy! Are you based in the Uk?

Can I ask how this method differs to normal therapy?

Thanks so far for the replies. Not sure husband is fully on board which makes it difficult

Can I ask how this method differs?

Has he suggested ending the marriage?

I tried it with my DH after waiting for him to agree to it for nearly a year. It was a case of “last resort” so he finally agreed. He seemed on board and engaged in the sessions, but was exactly the same at home and didn’t do any of the tasks the counsellor set. We had a break from the sessions due to work commitments, and he’s refused to attend since.
Basically it will only really work if you’re both on board.

I also found that although I took time to find someone suitable for us both and we liked them, they never challenged DH on any of his behaviour, if anything he just got more ammunition against me from the sessions, so he was even less accountable than before (if possible).

Depending on what your issues are, it may be suitable to try some online sessions/tutorials. I found them as part of a pre-marriage course, but they do marriage ones as well. If you search The Marriage Course on YouTube you’ll see the sessions. They have a religious element, but don’t let that put you off if you’re not religious, as there are some good topics they suggest that you discuss. You can also buy journals which are basically just notebooks with sections from the sessions for you both to fill in your answers/wants/needs/etc.
The people who run the programme do actually offer couples sessions as well, I haven’t tried them though as DH and I wanted face to face sessions rather than online (zoom, etc)

OP when you say "does it work" how do you define "work"?
If you mean can it save your marriage or make it happier, that's entirely possible - but it's not guaranteed, it's not like taking a medication or having a surgery.
It's a bit more variable because there are 2 people involved; but it's Like any kind of therapy- people need to engage in the process and do the work. It's important to find the right therapist for the couple; and both people need to be willing to talk about difficult things and do something about them between sessions - just the hour with the therapist won't change much.

DH and I haven't had counselling, but we did do the marriage course mentioned by a pp above and found it useful. It's good to have an hour a week to properly focus on your marriage and talk about things. Our communication improved as a result of the course.

No he hasn’t suggested ending the marriage at all. It’s more that he thinks we don’t need to have any therapy!

This method sounds intriguing. Are you seeing a therapist for it?

Yes. Had an assessment - joint then individual - last week.
2 day intensive therapy in 2 weeks then follow ups.
Psychologist is amazing.
I'm not in the UK these days so can't recommend anyone unfortunately

We've had 2 rounds of 'Relate' counselling during our 25 year marriage but looking for a different approach this time.
I feel our marriage is probably over but feel I should give therapy one last go.

Where's Orna from Couples Therapy when you need her?!

We went for a few sessions when we could feel some tension rising between us due to some trying times. It helped to open communication up between us which made a big difference.

The counsellor was actually completely shit and spent 60% of each session talking about herself and working through her own anxieties, which DH and I both found quite amusing, our improved communication wasn't necessarily because of her but because we had some one on one time after each session where we connected about how awkward it was trying to bring the conversation back round to us after 20 minutes of listening to her talk about her own life...and we just sorted things out.

That isn't the norm though from what I hear, I think we just had a crap counsellor. It was paid for by my workplace who don't research who you're going to, they just send you to the nearest person.

I've been.

I think the main thing to take from it is to make yourself a better partner, not to save the relationship itself.

If you go into it with that mindset, you'll always find that it's worth it.