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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do?....

20 replies

fluffbear123 · 18/08/2023 23:23

Ok will try to keep it brief but would really appreciate thoughts on this.
Married 10 years separated a year ago after his affair. I moved to be mortgage free a few months ago. Previous house was mine too.
We are seeing each other from time to time. He lives at his mothers - no outgoings whatsoever other than food shopping. I'm going on the family 10 day holiday to Spain which has always been the norm. Me him his mother and our adult children (for a few days) . We all put an amount of money into the pot for food/drinks as the MIL pays for flights/accommodation. I have always been happy to do this previously but now I'm paying all of the bills on my new house without his contribution I feel a bit sore about putting my share in this year.
He's asking me for the usual £200 which we both put in each. Am I being unreasonable to feel it's unfair this year. Please be kind.

OP posts:

porridgeisbae · 18/08/2023 23:36

Are you struggling financially OP/would putting £200 in make you struggle?

Just put in what you feel comfortable with I guess. I can understand that it's aggravating that he's led to you having more outgoings.

DustyLee123 · 19/08/2023 06:55

If you’re not happy to pay, you shouldn’t go.

DatingDinosaur · 19/08/2023 07:34

Yes you're being unreasonable.

Aprilx · 19/08/2023 08:05

Yes you are being unreasonable. You have split up so you are paying bills for your own upkeep, like most adults. If you can’t afford the contribution then don’t go, I’d be looking to make my own holiday plans separately anyway.

Zanatdy · 19/08/2023 08:12

You need to pay your share or don’t go. You’re mortgage free so surely that’s something surely but if you can’t afford to go on holiday then don’t go

ChristmasFluff · 19/08/2023 08:19

I wouldn't be going on a holiday with someone I am separated from.

Dentaldrama · 19/08/2023 08:23

Why would you want to spend 10 days with him and his mother??

Totaly · 19/08/2023 08:28

I think you need separate holidays and stop this time to time stuff …. You are being used.

specialk9 · 19/08/2023 08:30

YABU

Why would you expect someone else
to pay for your holiday, and your spends ?
Regardless of the history.

Just don't go ?

DurhamDurham · 19/08/2023 08:33

£200 for a ten day holiday? Absolute bargain in terms of financial cost.
However the thought of going away with ex in-laws and your ex partner fills me with dread. I wouldn't even want to go away with actual in-laws

GreenClock · 19/08/2023 08:37

Bow out of the holiday together. It’s time to move on.

Meet someone else to share holidays with, or go alone or with friends.

Hoosemover · 19/08/2023 08:39

Why are you going on holiday with him and his mother? Your children are adults. They do not need their mother.
This is not normal. There no freaking way I would be going on holiday with an ex and the Mil

LookItsMeAgain · 19/08/2023 08:42

You have adult children (so no child care requirements to speak of) and you're separated...so separate. Stop hanging around him. He's the one that had an affair yet you're considering going on holiday with him and his mother??

Seriously, it's a big world out there. Time to start picking a different location for your holiday, without him.

This isn't about €200 or £200, is it?

flexigirl · 19/08/2023 08:42

I suppose it depends how much you want to go on the holiday , if your adult children go too and you can stomach the company of your ex it sounds like a bargain! Nice to still keep traditions going if it's something you have always done and very kind of your mom in law to still pay for your airfare . I won't say you are being unreasonable as it's all relative to how difficult it is for you to afford the £200 .

AgnesX · 19/08/2023 08:43

As his mother pays for the flights/accommodation YABU. Although it all sounds a bit odd if you've separated. The kids are adults and are capable of making their own decisions.

Original poster

fluffbear123 · 19/08/2023 09:51

We are hoping to eventually live together again. Our adult children spend a couple of days with us but pretty much do their own thing. My MIL is an absolute diamond I love her to bits and she was devastated about him breaking the family up.
At the end of the day I want my marriage to work. I feel that because he has no outgoings while at his mums, while I'm covering all of the bills here (we had originally planned to live here together) it just found it unfair having to then find money towards the holiday. Yes it's only £200 yes it's nothing in the grand scheme of things it was more the principle of it I was putting across really.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 19/08/2023 09:59

fluffbear123 · 19/08/2023 09:51

You are separated, his bills are not your concern. You cannot expect other people to pick up the tab for you based on the relative size of your bills. I still do not understand why you are going at all, but to complain about £200 when you are getting a free ten night holidays simply beggars belief.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/08/2023 11:26

Before I bow out of this conversation I'll say this.

I don't understand women who go back for second helpings of relationships with men who have had affairs. It's likely that they will do it again if the temptation is there.

Before you let him cross your threshold of any of your properties, please ensure that should things go tits up again, he cannot get his hands on your money and your property.

I personally think that you're crazy. You clearly separated for a reason. Does that reason not still stand? What has significantly changed or improved in his behaviour that you're actively taking him back?

But you do you.

DatingDinosaur · 19/08/2023 12:27

"it was more the principle of it I was putting across really."

What is the principle? Is it because he's living rent free and maybe has more available income so you think he should pay this £200 to even out the finances?

Olika · 19/08/2023 12:56

I wouldn't go anymore. Your children are adults, they can go with their dad and grandparents if they want.

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