Losing Friends after Domestic Abuse

[Isolated17]

I'd been doing ok recently, though having a bad day (period) and reflected on this. Recent break up after an on-off, three-year relationship. Met with the police two weekends ago though only mentioned it to two friends. Heard a disclosure from a previous partner though don't feel able to report my own experience (yet).

I've been seeing the same therapist for two years who thinks the majority of my friends are unsupportive and say unhelpful things. This has been accurate. So beyond the actual control of being unable to speak to men or attend events men are at, I started to distance myself from other friends because they were so judgemental or said things that made me feel worse.

Examples:

"Boyfriend? LOL. He's just not that into you. Unrequited love. Bitter pill to swallow. There - saved you a fortune on therapy."
(Gay male friend of 20 years. Cut him off - he tried to apologise a few weeks later in person - and haven't spoken to him for 8 months.)

"Straight women are such stupid bitches."
(Lesbian friend. Haven't spoken to her for a year.)

"We're all sick of it. It's boring."
(Friend of 30 years. I see her rarely and tell her nothing about it now.)

"Just come out tonight. Do you think he's staying at home all depressed and starving himself? He doesn't care at all."
(Three days after the last break up when I said I wasn't in the mood for a night out. I was guilt-tripped into going but felt so bad having to pretend to be happy that I left after an hour or two. The friend in question meant well, but had 6 months off work with depression a year ago, but thinks I should instantly get over things. I haven't wanted to meet any friends since that, four weeks ago.)

Then less close friends:

"Have you ever seen the film, He's Just Not that Into You?"
(Male acquaintance with mild autism. I wish people would stop saying this. It's so ignorant and hurtful. When you're in an abusive relationship, it follows a pattern where you're the best thing, then the most hated thing, on repeat.)

"I think you'd feel a lot better if you had sex with someone - it doesn't have to be me - but someone"
(A creepy ex from when I was a teenager. Blocked him months ago for this.)

"Are you single yet?" / "Do you want to come round to my house for a massage? Here's my address."
(Plenty of, I thought, platonic male friends saw it opportunistically. I didn't take any of them up on it. It's just put me off men in general.)

Has anyone else had this experience?

An important thing the therapist pointed out is that every person who made a horrible comment is chronically single or only into one night stands.

It's just made me feel more isolated. I actually feel better spending time alone now.

We got on really well pre-relationship, but it's shown me a side of them I can't ignore. It also made me feel so isolated that I missed my ex more each time we broke up.

Yeah they sound like dickheads but you know that. That's why you've cut most of them off. This shows strength and a good self esteem.

However, you do seem to have had a concentrated number of dickheads around you. Really awful especially when you've had a hard time.

And yes, you are better off alone without any of these people around you.

You perhaps with your therapist could work on why you allow such people into your life? Learn to recognize red flags earlier?

I've only had experience with friends who excuse my ex's abuse and violence as him having poor mental health. Cut them off good.

Thank you. I think after the break up last autumn, I thought just being around people would help (joined a meetup group) but being in a crowd can be even worse - it was mostly a distraction.

Part of it is 1) people seem able to pick up on me being down / low self esteem and that makes me a target (men) and 2) people don't want to hear about anything 'inconvenient' so just want to talk about themselves or have superficial conversations.

I discovered I had several pretty narcissistic friends where my role was to be the audience or therapist to their problems. I wasn't to be an inconvenience.

I definitely am codependent, though I'm not ready to start making new friends yet. I think when I do, I'll join some sort of activity and gradually let people in, and probably not straight men. It's too much effort having to pretend to be happy for people.

My therapist said real friends wouldn't need you to pretend to be happy. They'd understand you can see someone was abusive but still be sad the relationship ended because it's complicated.

I'll join some sort of activity and gradually let people in, and probably not straight men.

Gay men won’t hit on you but as your example shows, they can still be knobs.

Well some of those are harsh and creepy but I agree with the 'just not into you' to some extent. We tie ourselves in knots for the wrong people sometimes and our friends see it. Sometimes it's kinder to be blunt and tell you that the dude doesn't give a shit and give you a shake than to let you moon after them.

Also the comment about HIM not wallowing, again, great point. OK maybe the person saying it also wanted you to go out so had a personal motive but - still a valid point!

It's worth noting that often if we have one horrible abusive shithead in our life, there are similar people around us in other capacities. Because we're used to excusing arseholes.

So you may need to cut off arseholes.

But at the same time it's important to recognise that things like 'he just isn't into you, so sod him! Come out and party with us!' can actually just be people's way of trying to help you. Even if we don't like that kind of encouraged atm because we're still in the 'I need a hug and a listening ear!' phase.

I think there’s a difference between the friend trying to get you out and the one of 30 years saying they are bored of it. How rude! Don’t need people like that in your lives.
agree with another posters comment about finding an activity and meeting people

"Well some of those are harsh and creepy but I agree with the 'just not into you' to some extent. We tie ourselves in knots for the wrong people sometimes and our friends see it. Sometimes it's kinder to be blunt and tell you that the dude doesn't give a shit and give you a shake than to let you moon after them."

The issue is, in an abusive relationship, the person interchangeably adores and hates you. It also implies that if he met someone he really liked he wouldn't abuse them.

Or to add to this, if you have an abusive partner who puts you down (verbal abuse and control) then a friend says "He's just not that into you" it's like saying you're not good enough for him and deserve the bad treatment.

Well technically they often like people and don't abuse them...for about a month. So arguably his behaviour IS because he doesn't like you. But then - he'll never really like anyone.

'He's not that into you' isn't the same as 'you're not good enough'. Though tbf when insecure as a result of an abusive ex, its possible to feel it means that.

'Real friends' would understand the relationship was abusive but yore still sad

No, I don't think it's the case that most friends are that educated. I've had friends say things like thank god you got rid of him/ found out sooner etc. they're trying to help just haven't had training or experience in these situations so can inadvertently be invalidating

Yes you're spot on I'm
Glad YOU understand this. Most of the general public don't know this though that's why we hear so much 'why didn't she leave'

It's a society problem as much as a your friends problem in my view.

Can you contact your local authority's domestic violence support to see if there are any survivors groups (I see them advertised on the loo) as it seems you really need most to find friends who understand and don't invalidate what you've been through

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154#:~:text=The%20relationship%20cycle%20typical%20of,idealization%2C%20devaluing%2C%20and%20discarding this article is good if you ever do want to take the time to educate someone