Experiences of dating close friends?

[Bex574747]

I’ve been single for around a year after separating from my previous partner who I have two boys with (2.5 and 4.5 years old).

i have a best male friend who I’ve known since we were at university together so a very long time (I’m 34). There’s never been anything romantic between us..shortly after we met I had another boyfriend and he was dating a girl, but we always clicked so much as friends. We have lots in common, similar sense of humour, similar values and know all the good and bad.

He’s recently expressed a romantic interest in me. I’ve always found him objectively good looking but just never really thought about it …however now that I have it’s like a switch has turned on in my head and I suddenly have looked at him in a different light and definitely feel a sexual attraction.

However I’m terrified of it not working out and losing the friendship. I would be devastated to lose him as he really is my closest friend, we’ve both supported each other through some pretty shit times in the past. There’s a lot of positives…he’s very empathetic, considerate, attentive, hilarious, intelligent, driven, we like loads of similar hobbies, he’s trustworthy and has integrity etc.

There are of course some cons which I know about because we know each other well. He has high functioning autism / asc which although I can’t visibly see many of the ‘stereotypical’ things that can make relationships challenging (for example he seems to have no trouble with emotional connection, at least with me!) ..however I know there may be some challenges here as he’s been single pretty much the whole time I’ve known him. He’s been approached by girls loads on nights out as he’s good looking but nothing ever happens and he says he struggles with taking anything further. This means he has very little relationship or sexual experience but I guess there are some positives to that like less baggage.

the other con / challenge is that I earn significantly more than him. I don’t care about money in a shallow way but I can see that this may cause problems as either I’ll have to make big sacrifices which has an impact on my life too or he’ll have to accept me paying for things which I don’t think he would like. He’s very driven and has big ambitions but works in a competitive industry and despite being highly skilled struggles at work due to the social challenges I think.

the other main consideration of course is that I have two children. He’s great with playing with them and has taken an even bigger interest since expressing his romantic interests I think to try and prove to me that he’s serious. However I know realistically he may struggle with the reality of it if we ever lived together.

just looking to vent really but if anyone has any experience with deciding to date a long term friend and / or a partner with asc I would like to hear..although I know on the latter point everyone is different there are obviously some common traits which define the condition.

my heart says yes…I think it would be a very passionate deep relationship as we already have such a strong connection but my head is saying no and it wouldn’t be great in reality…

are you in a good place right now? I find that I can think about exes (not that he's an ex) only when i'm in a bad place and when i'm in a better place I thank the universe that I didn't get back together with one. I think you need to be in a place to know you're making these decisions for the right reasons.

Do you have lots of other friends should it not work out?

My concern would be that he could just be looking to you because you're already close, and because he struggles to take it further with anyone else.

But then you said you would imagine it to be a very passionate relationship so maybe that's wrong. If the passion genuinely is there then it could be great.

@jarbelia I do feel in a good place at the moment. I’ve come out of the other side of my separation and I think I was quite miserable for years in that relationship! I feel more ‘myself’ but I totally know what you mean about the ex thing. I always used to think about a particular ex when I was fed up

@MumGMT i know what you mean…I do feel it seems genuine. I did ask him ‘where did all this come from as you’d never said anything’ and he said he had thought it over the years but I was usually in a relationship. He’s said he finds me attractive before but I thought in a platonic ‘you look good in that dress’ friend sort of way! He’s not usually great with eye contact but when he does look at me I feel like he can see into my soul, it’s so intense. It’s strange as I’ve never really thought about it but now that I have these feelings I wonder if I always did to some extent and just didn’t think about it because I was with other people.

I've no experience of having a long-standing close friend and then suddenly dating them, but I have experience of relationships that blurred the line between genuine friendship and sex and romance (sometimes taking twists and turns from friendship to sex/romance), where for various reasons a formal relationship was not on the cards. My experience was that

a) there were painful bumps in the road (probably because of specific circumstances that may not apply to you, though you may have your own), but ultimately

b) the genuine care and respect between us only grew, and the relationships became more meaningful and trusting over time because we knew we wanted the best for each other and "knew" and got each other.

i.e. it didn't ruin friendships, it kind of deepened them and I see them as worthwhile experiences despite the lack of a fairytale ending.

Sometimes I think you just have to let things run their course. For me, if those feelings are there, it's like the horse has bolted anyway - is it really the same friendship it was, if one or both of you is yearning for more? That "ruins" things a bit anyway. If it's got to that stage then I'd say follow your instincts and see how it goes.

I have been dating for 6 years a man who was my friend for 3 prior. But the friendship didn't mean so much to me, we were more friends because others had bought us together. I actually didn't like him for two years haha. Now I would never look back hes my perfect person.

I’ve done this, however throughout our entire friendship before we dated there was obvious sexual chemistry, but we ignored it for various reasons for about 7 years. Anyway, we did end up in a relationship, before this we were very honest with each other about what we would do if it didn’t work out, especially as we belong to the same friendship group, so avoiding each other after a break up just wouldn’t be an option. We were together for almost three years and almost got married (wedding was booked and pair for!), but then something happened that meant children were now a possibility, where as before they weren’t. It was a hard one to get through, I couldn’t have raised my son while he kept his career, I didn’t want him to give up his career as it was just taking off, he didn’t want me to not become a parent. For us we decided that actually whatever decision we made one of us would be unhappy, so we decided to end our relationship, we still had the wedding reception as a big party with our friends!

He is still my best friend, but it did take a while to get there, we decided to have a complete 6 month break where we didn’t see each other, talk to each other etc, easier for me as I had my son which kept me very busy. It wasn’t easy though, he is my sons uncle, and he’s a fab one, but at first that was tough, the first time they met he held my son and that was hard, it felt like a bit of a slap in the face as at the time it felt like thats what I should have had. It doesn’t anymore, my feelings for him are no different to how I feel about my other friends.

Please please make sure he likes you for you, and he doesn’t just see you as an easy option, but at the same time, make sure you’re not convincing yourself that you like him as more than just a friend.