This is a really tough one for me to write but I really need some honest advice. It’s a little long but background is needed.
DH’s brother and his partner had a child two years ago. Two years prior to that we moved to a completely different part of the country around four hours drive from where they live. DH and I don’t have any children and won’t have now at our age. We've never been kid people in that way that some people are just hard wired to want kids around and seem to be really natural when intercating with them. Always got on ok with sister in law but the relationship has always been a bit one sided. Silly things like I used to always share her posts from her small business on Facebook, interact with things she posts on her instagram, but she never really shows any interest in what I do, or supports my own small business on social media, so I don't a much as I used to. It’s always me who messages her first. I suffer from really bad depression but she’s never really been supportive when I’m having a bad time but when she had mental health problems a few years ago I was always there to lend an ear when she needed to chat. Never fail to send her a little gift her birthday and Christmas but I rarely even get a card from her. I’m a people pleaser and I constantly get myself in these situations where I’m the one making all the effort and getting little in return. Maybe that’s something I need to work on. Anyway, it didn’t bother me enough to ever bring it up, I’d rather just keep the peace in the family, until this happened.
I went to share something with SIL on Facebook and noticed we were no longer friends. She’s also deleted my DH. She’d also recently snubbed me over something else which really upset me, and BIL has also been distant with us, so this and being deleted on social media made me think DH and I must have done something to upset them both. So I asked if everything was ok and had we offended them in some way. They said yes, they were upset that we didn’t show more interest in their son and they don't think we pay enough attention when they posts pictures of him and our ‘flying visits’ aren’t good enough. I was shocked. As mentioned we live a four hour drive away, we both work full time running our own business’s and I work weekends while they work Monday to Friday. They know it’s the first year of my business and it’s been a bit of a struggle and that I can’t constantly be shutting my business on it’s busiest days (weekends) to come down more often. We tend to make the trip back home to see everyone four times a year. Parents etc usually visit us a good few times too so it’s every month or so really that we see family. Twice this year SIL has cancelled our visit with silly excuses at the last minute when we’ve been down in the area. Last time we visited she made us feel really unwelcome- she was cleaning the bathroom when we arrived despite us being on time for the time we agreed to be there and she didn’t emerge from her cleaning to say hello until we’d been there half an hour. I’ve invited her to come and visit us multiple times but she’s never made the journey in the four years since we moved (she has a car, drives and doesn’t have money worries). I’ve never failed to put a little comment on her pictures of her son every time she shares, it's only very recently that I haven't been so diligent with this because, as I say, I never get any interest from them in what I've been up to. So I guess the us not showing any interest in her pictures comes from this though it's not like we've been ignoring every picture.I know a child is more important than what I'm up to but it's still nice if interest in each others life goes both ways. I sort of feel like they think since they had a child that trumps everything that's going on in everyone else's life and nothing else matters. I've also been really struggling with depression recently and barely holding it together so maybe that's also affected how much time I spend thinking about our nephew. I also noticed after this she has deleted every single family member on my DH’s side on social media. Suspect it's for similar reasons.
When we go back home it’s usually just for a weekend and although we always make time for SIL and BIL and nephew it’s apparently classed as a ‘flying visit’ and because we don’t spend the whole day it’s not good enough. But the thing is we usually only have two days and in this time we have to visit- My Mum, My brother, MIL, other BIL and also them. They don’t all live really close together either so the weekend is spend running between four different towns , some about half an hour from each other, in order to fit everyone in. Occasionally we try and see good friends too. It’s absolutely exhausting as we feel we are being pulled in every direction when we travel up for a visit. It would help if, for example, the two BILs and SIL on my DHs side would agree to meet at MILs house with Nephew and we could see them all together. That would free up loads of time and we could potentially spend one day with them and then the next with my family. I’ve asked but they won’t. They all want us to come to their individual houses in their own towns to see them. They all like to be the ones receiving visitors. Yet we continue to do it just to keep everyone happy and because we genuinely do want to see them all.
It doesn’t look like the situation will resolve itself and I’m so upset. Myself and my DH absolutely do love our nephew and it’s so hurtful to be cut out of his life like this, but what should I do? How much time is reasonable to be spending with a nephew when you live further away? Am I being selfish? Should I be prioritising my nephew and making more time by not seeing my Mum when I’m there for example? Should I be shutting my business every other weekend to visit them? The social media stuff is just nonsese in my mind. Arguing over how many pictures get a comment or a like makes me feel like I'm in school. I just don’t know what to do but it certainly looks like unless we commit to being in his life a LOT more we won’t be seeing him at all.