Being blamed for the family falling apart

[HowDoYouExpectMeToGrowIfYouWontLetMeBlow]

I am the glue, always have been.

When people get pissed off with my mom, I sit on the fence and defend both sides, I peace keep, I arrange everyone to get together for meals out, my house has always been the meeting point, BBQ's, house parties etc

I've finally had enough of my mom (the same as everyone else seems to) and I've snapped and told her to fuck off, not my finest moment, I know I'm not supposed to swear at a parent, but I'm having a really hard time and have been for a long time, and she makes everything about her.

A few months ago, I told my Mom I didn't want to be alive anymore, she then shouted at me, told me to leave my shitty job (I do have a stressful job, but there are many others things contributing to my sadness) and then spent 30 mins telling me how awful my dad was, and how hard her life is, as she always does. She's one of those people who talk AT you, I've often said all she needs is cardboard cut-outs of people, as she doesn't let anyone else speak.

Recently started counselling, and it's clear I am a people pleaser, and I have no boundaries, and whatever I do is based on what I think other people want or need.

Mom hasn't spoken to me now for weeks, my dad who involves me once a month to say they've fallen out as she's been nasty to him, seems to have closed ranks with her, and won't mediate, even though I have spent my whole adult life mediating for him. Mom is still seeing my children as they're older teens, and she proceeds to sit them down and tell them how awful I am, how I am trying to control the family, always have my own way, and I am breaking up the whole family if I don't admit I am wrong and apologise. I'll add, I am the only one of her 3 children that bother with her.

To make matter worse my dad is very poorly with stage 4 cancer. I won't be able to see him, unless I apologise to my mom, he won't be allowed to see me without her, I know this as he'll do as she says. Dad also said to me "she's old, you're young, you have to apologise")

Oh, I told her to fuck off, as she accused me of not thinking of my dad, which is so unfair, I have done nothing but since his diagnosis (to the point of obsession at times) I visit 4/5 times a week, I invite them to spend all day Saturday at my house, I took them away for a weekend in between treatments for my dads sake, I have taken my dad to as many appointments as I can, I phone and text daily to see how he is. My children have gone to appointments with him, scans, chemo. We have witnessed some heart breaking things with him, and I've had no support from my siblings, as they have washed their hands of it all.

Where do I go from here, I love both of my parents dearly and I will be so sad to not have them in my life, but I don't feel I'm in the wrong.

Sorry for the long post, but this is keeping it as brief as possible.

I'm sorry about your dad's diagnosis but he's an adult and he's making his choices

You have two. Suck it up and apologise if you really want to see your dad, then cut ties 'after' with your mum
Or hold your ground now, Which one do you choose?

Why do your DC still see her? Is it because they want to and don't go through you?

How about you apologise very specifically for telling your mum to fuck off? So you literally send her a message "I'm sorry I told you to fuck off". Would that be enough so that you can see your dad and you're no longer considered to be the bad guy? Then you hold tight to your boundaries around your mum and don't let yourself slip back into the people pleasing position.

@Nanny0gg she texts the DC to see if they want to go for tea, and then picks them up whilst I'm at work, but after last nights little rant they don't want to go.

@HamishTheCamel I really don't want to apologise, not drip feeding but she swore at me first, she started it (petty I know). I'll always be the bad guy, they hold me to very different standards to my siblings. I've tried to be the child they're proud of, the one who holds a job down, the one who raises their children well, the one who remains a size 10 or below (and yes that really is an expectation of me from my Mom) and nothing is good enough.

She's said the most horrible things last night to my DC, and my thinking is if I'm such an awful person, why would you want me to apologise to get back into your life 🤔

How much will you regret not seeing your dad during this time? If you honestly think you have done enough and could go to his funeral with a clear conscience then don't apologise. If you think it will hurt you more in the long term, then apologise.

It's about whether you can handle the regret that will define your answer so think hard and honestly. I wish you well

You (like me) have been brought up in a very dysfunctional and toxic family. You can't change them, as I think you know. But now it's affecting your kids as well so I'd suggest you consider long and hard what you want for them in the future. In a family like this, you have to absolutely toe the line. If you "misbehave" you are OUT. (I'm out 2 years now for not accepting my "mother" criticising my parenting). There is no middle ground.

With the situation with your father, it's very difficult for you. Sadly, he has watched your mother's behaviour and allowed it to continue, probably because of his own trauma in his younger days. But this means you have been thrown under the bus and borne the brunt of your mother's abusive behaviour.

I have no idea what is the best thing for you, but I'd like to let you know that I have just put up a long post on the Stately Homes thread (for adult children whose abusive parents excuse their bad behaviour by saying things like "but we took you to Stately Homes!") with links to a huge range of supports like podcasts, videos, websites, social media, articles and books. Please have a look.

@CantThinkOfANameAtAll truthfully it will kill me, and I know I'll never forgive myself.

@Escapingafter50years I'll take a look at the Stately Homes thread.

Oh yes, my dad did in fact say to me, that you apologise and you're in, or you don't and you're out.

Thing is I'll only be out of their circle of 2, luckily with my extended family I am very much in. It will not be me that misses out on family events (as I'm the one who organises them) but I feel for my dad, he should be enjoying life at the moment, but he won't be allowed anywhere without my mother.

Have you discussed this with your councillor?

@Theunamedcat Yes, in my last session, but by the time I’d covered what had happened the hour was up and we didn’t have chance to discuss how to resolve it. And she’s on holiday for 2 weeks now.

I suppose if you want to see your father you could do a 'non apology' apology..."I'm sorry you think I was wrong" or "I'm sorry I responded to your swearing by also swearing"

I'd also stop with the all day visits to your house, and only see them with other people present if possible....then if things start getting difficult with your mother you can leave before you say anything you may regret. Not a lot you can do if your older children are seeing their grandmother voluntarily, if not I'd also stop the visits, or once again only have them if you can be present.