Separation

[Needtobestrongxx]

Hi just after a handhold / any advice on separation. Just started the process and going through a raft of emotions every day; feeling of peace, freedom, loneliness, sadness, lost, deflated.

Any practical tips on how to get through the next few months living in our house together.

Avoid him as much as possible, might be tougher if DC involved? Stbxh took the school holidays off and that was really horrible. It's ok if we don't need to interact much, watch TV in another room, be busy out or somewhere else in the house away from him. If there's DC involved get him to start doing his days and nights with them and take some time out for you. Honestly if I didn't have DC I'd rather be sofa surfing than living together seperated under one roof.

Thanks @EliflurtleTripanInfinite yes I’m definitely craving some time on my own away from everyone to process what’s happening. Just not sure where to go or what to do whilst he’s at home with the x2 DC xx I just feel lost

Agree with avoid as much as possible.

I was lucky. Mine moved out quite quickly. I had the moral high ground and was in bits and unable to function for a couple of weeks. Things gradually improved from there. Even now (3.5 months down the line) I really struggle when he's around. We have a 3YO so not much choice in terms of seeing him but I minimise it where possible.

My big piece of advice is prioritise yourself. Do tiny things that are good for you and mean you are taking care of you. Romanticise yourself, even! Get learning to love yourself if you don't. It's made the healing so much faster for me, working on me and thinking of me, not him.

Yes avoid him and don't sit on the same room as him. Watch TV in another room or on your laptop if you have not got another TV. Go out in the evening and ignore him as much as possible.

Sorry you're going through this. How old are your DC and are they aware that you're separating?

@bluecrayola 9&12 x2 DD, yes they know and we’re going to try a eating agreement to give them some stability short term. Not sure how it will pan out though 😞

Nesting

Sit down with stbexh as soon as you can and work out how custody will happen when you're living apart. Once you've hashed out a plan you can both live with, start using it immediately.

So for example on his days he gets the kids up, dressed, etc. Does any activities with them or the school run, then makes and eats dinner with them and so on. And vice versa.

This worked fantastically for us and got everyone used to the new normal, but with a safety blanket if needed.

On his days, if you're not at work find something for you to enjoy. Join a gym or leisure centre, see your friends or just take yourself for walks or to the cinema. It'll feel odd and lonely at first but it will soon get better.

Good luck!

So you're going to swap in and out of the house? I did consider this idea with stbxh but I'd still be doing everything and dealing with his mess. I think you need to be fairly amicable and both willing to do a fair share of things like cleaning, shopping, cooking, kids admin and broadly agree on the way you parent for it to work.

I feel lost too. Lost and broken and overwhelmed. It feels incredibly messed up after everything he's put us through that I'm not going to be able to spend every day with my kids. I don't want them to never see him, but it still feels messed up that because I can't cope with his emotional abuse and gaslighting anymore that I'm going to be without my kids a couple days each week. I hope your split is an amicable one.

As a mum of 3 and someone who has been though a separation. I feel you!
This is the start of a long process and to help me get through it I used a life coach and still see her now on a monthly basis. This journey has led me to get qualified as a life coach and has recently just started my own business.

These are some of the key things I would recommend to help you though this time.

1. Communication is Key:

• Maintain open and respectful communication with your ex-partner. Clear and honest communication is crucial for successful nesting.

1. Set Boundaries:

• Establish clear boundaries about your living arrangements and responsibilities. Determine how you'll share the home and who will cover specific expenses.

1. Create a Co-Parenting Plan:

• Develop a comprehensive co-parenting plan that outlines custody schedules, responsibilities, and guidelines for handling disagreements.

1. Seek Legal Advice:

• Consult with a family lawyer to ensure you have a legally binding agreement that covers all aspects of your separation and nesting arrangement.

1. Focus on the Children:

• Prioritize the well-being of your children. Keep their routines as stable as possible and provide emotional support during this transitional period.

1. Self-Care:

• Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Separation can be emotionally taxing, so seek therapy or counselling if needed, and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

1. Lean on Support Networks:

• Reach out to friends and family for emotional support. Joining support groups or seeking professional guidance can also be helpful.

1. Keep Finances in Check:

• Monitor your financial situation closely, especially if you're sharing expenses in the nesting arrangement. Create a budget to ensure both parties contribute fairly.

1. Respect Privacy:

• Respect each other's privacy and personal space within the shared home. Establish rules for respecting each other's boundaries.

1. Be Flexible:

• Be open to adjustments in your nesting arrangement as circumstances change. Flexibility can help reduce conflict and make co-parenting smoother.

1. Maintain a Positive Attitude:

• Focus on the positive aspects of the nesting arrangement, such as spending quality time with your children and reducing disruption in their lives.

1. Seek Mediation:

• If conflicts arise, consider mediation as a way to resolve disputes. A trained mediator can help you find common ground and reach agreements.

1. Plan for the Future:

• Start thinking about long-term solutions. Nesting is often a temporary arrangement, so discuss your goals for the future and how you plan to transition out of it.

1. Stay Organized:

• Keep records of important documents, communication, and agreements. This can help avoid misunderstandings and disputes.

Remember that every separation and nesting arrangement is unique, and what works for one family may not work for another. Tailor these tips to your specific situation and prioritize the well-being of your children throughout the process.

I hope that helps you a little bit

Sending love and strength

Gemma