Reflections on a failed marriage... was I undermining?

[regression]

I'm reflecting on my failed marriage. Exh left for affair partner after 17 years together.
He said it was because I undermined him and he felt he couldn't do anything right.
I want to take responsibility for my part in this.

I did undermine him as I intervened every time he shouted , criticised or nit picked at our children. Two have autism. He, as a Man is negative and critical and greeted our kids with a criticism each day eg What are those plates :doing in the sitting room ... no hello, nothing,

Even though he was very good at DIY, he regularly left me begging him to fix a toilet, socket or shower... things I wasn't able to do. When I said I'd be paying someone to do those jobs he lost his shit. I simply wasn't allowed.

I worked full time and raised our family and managed the house on my own. He worked from 7-7 which included an hours travel each way. He refused to look fur work near home.

Weekends were spent in bed with headaches and back aches, except when an invitation came to go to the pub.
When I asked him to bring kids to play ground or fur a walk they would come home early fighting and crying .

My kids have no relationship with him now and refuse to go to him eow. The two youngest are15/13.

Exh has cheated his way through his relationship with AP and is now onto gf no4 in a matter of years.

He was a sex pest but the reality is that I resented him so much for letting me carry all the load. He then tried it on every night. I couldn't get a hug as he saw it as an invitation to grope. He regularly groped me in front if kids. They started to copy him.
I am examining my part in this.
His words... ' I can never do anything right' and ' you're always criticising me' still haunt me.

Guilt makes me wonder if it was my fault he sought sex and adoration elsewhere.

I'm not sure I've ever heard of someone having an affair who holds their hands up and says 'it's all my fault, I can't keep it in my pants and I'm a terrible person with no self control , my spouse is in no way to blame and I didn't deserve them'
They always blame the partner. It takes away their guilt .
Please stop looking for any guilt on your part
He's a clearly a serial cheat and you are well rid

Short answer is most definitely NO
This man sounds the worst kind please try not to waste any more time analysing what was quite obviously an abusive relationship. Take time to explain to your children that this was not normal behaviour or how a man (or anyone) should treat a partner. They probably don't need telling by the sounds of it but it is very important that (without even slagging him off) you can also tell yourself this too. I am so sorry you have had to endure such an awful man, the new woman is welcome to him!!!
Good luck rebuilding your trust and self esteem, you really shouldn't take to heart a comment that he is clearly blaming you for all his faults.

I don’t really see this as a reflection on your own behaviour. It’s really a long laundry list of all his faults. Which is fair enough, he sounds a right arse. But a reflection on your own behaviour it’s not.

in my experience, in a lot of cases it takes two to make a marriage fail. Maybe it was all his fault as you say. As that’s some list of his issues.

Your part in this was that you tolerated his unacceptable behaviour. If there are amends to make, they are to yourself and your children for not removing this horrible man from your lives sooner.

My own behaviour was undermining him when he criticised the children, being pissed off when he wouldn't fix broken stuff in the home. Being resentful that I carried the load and was not listened to so I was snappy and irritable with him. Having the ick because he was a pest and refusing sex regularly .
Being frustrated and angry at another weekend headache so again the kids spent their full days with me full time . I was critical and I was undermining and some may say that because I ALWAYS intervened when he shouted at the kids and removed them, that I disrespected him as their father .

The only good thing this man ever did was donate sperm for kids and eventually leave.

Horrible people usually accuse others of their own behaviour. This shit bag undermined you and his kids at every opportunity-withdrawing social exchanges to nag you all about jobs, stopping household jobs getting done, witholding affection to increase pressure for sex, not loving his kids enough to build a relationship with him...Christ the list is endless.

I think he has imprisoned you emotionally and now you're free, you should get some counselling because the enormity of what he's done will soon dawn on you.

The only person who would agree with that is the shit bag. Whose words they were in the first place.

Ok - so since he got away from the awfulness of you has he:-

1. Built a strong, loving relationship with the children?
2. Built a permanent relationship with another woman who isn’t horrible and undermining and whingy and whatever else it is you apparently are?

I’m sure that you weren’t perfect - none of us are in relationships. But the fact that he no longer sees the kids and that he changes women faster than some of us change our socks does rather imply it is a him thing rather than a you thing.

However, you did pick him and you did stay with him when he was (by your account) pretty damn appalling. It would be worth looking at why each of these things happened in order to help you in the future.

He was exhausted and did work 8-6 while also travelling but refused point blank to move closer for work . While I worked into 4 each day, I also travelled and came strut home to my kids to raise them on my own amd
Manage our home . I didn't feel that him sitting down eating his dinner, pulling out his phone and then falling asleep on the couch was in any way fair. It certainly want appreciated or respected that I was running the show single handedly .

Not really the answer you are looking for but I hope you are happy and thriving in your new life without him.

Thank you @NancyBot . I'm struggling now. It's four tears in and living with fall out each day can get me down . Other days are great though! My kids are getting better I think

My ex wife had affairs.

I think it’s healthy to look at your part in creating a situation where that happened, I’ve certainly done that, but also you should be clear with yourself that doesn’t mean you are in any way to blame for their actions.

He sounds pretty toxic from what you've described. You might feel like it's 4 years of fall out, but what alterative 4 years would you and the children have had? Probably not a happy home life, particularly if he was very hard-line on 2 autistic children!

If the kids are getting better and you are having some good days then that's credit to you.

If ever a man needed some undermining and being told he does nothing right, its him, because God knows, it would be true!
There is a vast difference between undermining someone for no good reason and making justifiable complaints about their inappropriate behaviour. You clearly did the latter.
I'm sure he would have preferred constant adoration but given he did nothing to deserve it, that's too bad isn't it? He may have now found some unfortunate woman who due to her own issues is prepared to put up with him without complaint, but its to your absolute credit you didn't allow that to be you.

Hun I think you've answered your own concerns here, the way you've described him you are going to be so much better off without him.

Perhaps you did undermine him... but if he was any sort of decent person or adult he wouldn't be running off having affairs he'd be considering how he spoke to you and your children.

I had a father like this and I love him to bits but he was like this when I was growing up and it did so much damage to my self esteem and how I saw myself. My mother would get into fights with him to stop him nitpicking at us. We'd all run around putting things away when we saw his car pull up.

He's done you a favour, and so you're aware... he'll probably come begging back when this relationship goes tits up so I would frankly be serving divorce papers faster than he can blink because once he's out, he's out. It isn't your fault, he's making you feel like it's all your fault because it absolves HIM of guilt and shame (if he has any) over his behaviour.

Men aren't stupid, they know what they have done wrong.... the shitty ones just decide to offset their carbon emissions and then call it the truth.

This thing is called a man and a husband. A total creep, bastard and all the better you are without him

You can't take much blame from what you've told us. You couldn't fix his work situation which seems to be the main issue in regards to his tiredness, soreness, lack of downtime etc. That one change could have improved so much in your household and who knows, maybe he might have been a nicer father/husband leading to you find him more attractive. Or maybe he would have been a selfish git regardless of his work situation.

I don't think you should beat yourself up over the way things ended up.

He worked 8 till 6 like many of us, and did absolutely nothing else unless he felt like it.
Anyone who can't manage their paid job when they do nothing else but rest and go to the pub, without 'mental angst' needs to take some responsibility for themselves and look for a job they are capable of performing alongside being a decent partner and parent.

Oh poor baby!

Much like the rest of us then, only OP had the kids to wrangle on top of that. Plus the sheer exhaustion caused by constantly groping OP.

Bloody apologist!

Did you undermine him? Yes.

Were you protecting your children from bad parenting, toxic masculinity and abuse? Yes.

Which is worse?

He says you drove his penis into another woman by not supporting his ickle feelings.

I say he did that all on his own because he saw how you were running the show like a f*cking superstar and didn't need him and this made him realise how pathetic and weak he really is.

You are a stronger, better and more capable person than him. Do not ever forget that. Don't let any man ever steal your shine again.

Your marriage may be over but if you are honest you were alone for the majority anyway because the man you chose couldn't match you and left you to carry the emotional, physical and mental load every day.

You will be just fine. 🌹

I am divorcing and have been having therapy.

If I hadn’t been having the therapy I think I would have been like you and been left trying to reconcile what my ex said to me with my own experience.

The honest truth is that just because my ex says something, doesn’t mean it’s true. It doesn’t even mean he believes it himself. I think the same is true of your ex.

If your was the sort of person who did all the things you say, he isn’t going to suddenly say ‘you know what, I am a shit person’. He will try and delegate blame where he can - on to you. You say the kids don’t want to see him. That is objective truth that he’s a crap father. Another poster has suggested he is projecting, and I agree. He undermined you.

It’s a bit like the old joke. How can you tell a politician is lying? When you see his lips move.

I experienced some similar scenarios in my marriage, including the infidelity. My exH tried to blame that entirely on me at first and I obviously took it all on but I remember the marriage counsellor saying to me that his "inability to have his needs met within the marriage and to articulate this" was not my fault.

Your exH may have been unhappy for all manner of reasons and some of these may have been down to you but he didn't need to resort to being unfaithful to deal with it.
Like my exH, he should have discussed with you what was wrong from his perspective and then you could have made changes as a couple or split in a more amicable way. Infidelity to my mind is a coward's way out and the mark of an immature person who is unable to discuss their feelings and needs.
Whatever the ins and outs are of your marriage breakdown, and there will of course be issues and faults on both sides, you are well rid of someone who behaves in that way.
Move onward, focus on your relationship with your children and be glad that he is now someone else's problem.

OP, just because he said it doesn't mean its true. He sounds awful and tbh you are well rid. I don't see your comments as undermining him, you were simply trying to get him to engage with family life and to share responsibilities. Kicking off when you suggested getting someone in to fix broken stuff at home (that you say he could easily do but refused to ) is pathetic.
Also if you have autistic kids of course you are going to protect them if he shouted at them and made sarky comments. ASD kids often don't understand sarcasm. He sounds a rubbish father and no wonder your children don't want to see him! If l were you l would celebrate every day that he is out of your life. He is no loss. And if your kids are getting better you are doing great!

Op, do you mean your marriage ended four years ago? How are you living with the fall out every day and what is causing you to still be struggling?

have you been for counselling to help you through it?