How to respond to casual friendly text during fight

[Hoping23]

Hi everyone,

I am very pregnant, due to give birth in a couple of weeks, and I am a bit foggy so looking for some advice from clearer minds.

DH has this tendency to send me a casual friendly text saying he hopes I have a good day when we are in the middle of really bad arguments. Or more precisely when I have been very very upset with him for something and he’s refusing to apologise and spending all his spare time with his friends drinking… so I’m still mad at him and really hurting - crying my eyes out, not sleeping etc, which he’s aware of… but then I get this text like it’s a regular day and we are fine.

I never know what to say back so I sort of end up saying nothing. Which feels childish too. But if I answer like everything is ok that feels disingenuous. And then if I say anything that refers to the argument I feel like I’m begging for attention. And I also don’t want to do a passive aggressive nice-but-cold answer.

How would you respond to something like that from your partner?

I'd say I'm still hurting, let me be

Tell him to fuck off and you will resume friendly texts when he apologises and resumes normal supportive partner behaviour.

It sounds like he's trying to ignore the issue and just go back to normal. If you are not ready to move on I'd respond with "I'm still angry/upset about xyz can we talk about this?"

Thank you! I guess the advice is various approaches of just being honest, which makes sense.

This doesn’t sound like a great environment to bring a child into to be fair. Why do you have so many arguments? Sounds miserable.

I wouldn't need to reply because I wouldn't be with someone if we had so many bad arguments. It's not usual to be upset and cry for a few says. Esther you over dramatise or he is a massive arse

I think you need to learn to communicate with each other.
Or you could just reply to his text with I’ll take this as an apology for your behaviour.
if you’re having bad arguments before the baby arrives it doesn’t bode well for the future with sleepless nights, hormones and the worries that caring for a baby brings.

Why are you regularly having arguments at this level? If this is a habit he has, and it gets to you crying your eyes out and not sleeping. I think that’s what needs to be addressed.

Your relationship sounds toxic. I've been with my husband for 10 years and have 3 kids and we've never fought so bad I cry myself to sleep. I don't think it's normal or healthy and a baby will add more pressure. The texting thing...I don't know in the grand scheme of things. Would you prefer he ignored you?

I dumped his ass for being a headfuck.

I'd respond to it by ignoring it. He knows what he's doing & it's not acceptable (to me anyway).

id solve the problem by telling him he needs to grow up, ask if he want your marriage & baby or does he want to be single & spend all his spare time with his mates drinking. His choice but either change his behaviour or leave & be single.

@GorillaInBikini They aren't the only two options.

You two really need to talk,face to face, without arguing. Why are you arguing so much, why is he fucking off drinking, while you spend your nights crying, why are things so tense? It doesn't sound like a good relationship to be in, much less to have a child in.

This doesn't sound like a healthy environment to bring a child into. Are you sure that this relationship is the right one for you?

It's always interesting when a man's response to an argument is to go out drinking with his friends. I always think that the argument has been manufactured so that he can do that.

You are due to give birth and he is behaving like a complete prick. It might be a good time now to think of your options. If he is picking fights with you and going out drinking then it doesn't sound as though he is ready for fatherhood.

It depends on what he does afterwards, when he’s back home. Does he normally apologise or try to resolve the conflict or is it just more of the same? If the former, perhaps you could see the text as a sign of him trying to make peace. If he usually stays out late drinking and comes back and pretends everything is okay then I would just ignore such texts (and start reconsidering being in a relationship with him).

Thank you everyone. We actually normally don’t argue and have a very happy relationship. Also I’m angry and probably made him sound worse than he is.

We have just had this one ongoing issue during the pregnancy that has kept tripping us up and he tends to avoid addressing it whether by being hurtful, refusing to apologise for that, acting like everything is ok with these texts and having plans to go out all weekend suddenly.

(If anyone is curious the problems relate to my mother in law… of course haha)

Anyway thank you, I appreciate the advice on how to manage it!

Me and my DD's father used to regularly get in arguments. I dumped him before DD was born. I can't do that arguing constantly shit. I'd rather be a single parent, and that's what I was.

Ah, the silent treatment.

I find demanding, expecting apologies is, at best, unproductive.
At worst, it is a frequent tactic of abusive people who want the other party to shoulder the blame for an argument that was the fault of both of them.

I'd say
Please don't send messages that ignore the fact we have an unresolved issue between us. I don't want to be rude and ignore you, but neither am I prepared to carry on as though everything is fine when I don't feel that it is. I want us to talk about X please before we can move on.

This.