Telephone bill and affair

[Lilym41]

This is a follow on thread about my affair. Husband has no said he’s asked for a detailed phone bill so he can see exactly when I was texting the OM. I know I’m in the wrong but it feels really controlling ?

I should mention he hacked into my email account as well. He told me about the phone bill as he was kissing my arm it just felt really weird

If you do the crime then do the time.

You had an affair. If you want to stay with him you need do what it takes to rebuild the trust. In your shoes I’d open up everything willingly - and let him read everything. If he wants to stay with you after that at least he’s doing it in full knowledge of the facts. He’s going to want to see and learn everything. He doesn’t trust you, and why should he?

Where's the other post? Might help to link it.

Tbh, you reap what you sow. Have some bloody shame woman and stop bleating.

You're right it is controlling, but you'd have to understand why he feels the need to have some control.

Personally I think you're flogging a dead horse and it won't do either of you any good.

Controlling? You had an affair!! You shagged around and now he is the one at fault? FFS!

You did it. You now have to lay all the cards out on the table. All the gory details and face what you did. Not controlling, he's trying to figure you out which is his own right to do !

He no longer trusts you. He questions whether what you are saying is the truth. He’s not being controlling, he’s trying to make sense of what his reality actually is. When you find out that what you thought was reality wasn’t, that your life was not going on as you thought it was, that the person you thought had your back and wouldn’t do this to you was actually sticking a knife in it, you don’t trust anything at face value any more. He can’t rely on you for the truth so he’s trying to find out what the truth actually is. This is the reality of the damage done by infidelity. He’s not deliberately controlling you, he’s just trying to find peace of mind for himself by checking that what you are saying is the truth.
You chose to have an affair and lie to, deceive, manipulate and gaslight your husband. There are consequences to his mental health which will affect his behaviour. Unless you are an open book from now on, commit to total honesty, answer all his questions patiently, show remorse and reassure him whenever he needs it, prove that your actions now match your words, put his immediate needs before yours, he’s going to feel much worse, the hyper vigilance will increase and descend into paranoia and it will be the death of your relationship if it isn’t already. Please don’t damage another person then complain about their ensuing behaviour which you caused.
I don’t mean to be harsh but the reality of trying to mend a relationship after an affair is way more than just “I’m sorry and I’ll never do it again”. You have to earn back his trust and your right in his eyes to your privacy. He gave you privacy and you abused it in order to deceive him to meet your own needs at his expense.
You can turn this around, but you’ll need to have a different attitude around your own behaviour and what you need to do to try to fix this. At the moment it’s still about you. Fixing this is about how you can help him, what you can do for him now. If you can’t commit to it then do the decent thing and end it, it’s far worse to give him hope making promises you can’t keep.

So you want him to "just move on and forget about it"? Like every other person in the world who wanted their fun on the side and for it not to actually affect real life.

Tough shit sister.

Hope the sex was worth it. FWIW, your marriage is over. Not because he doesnt trust you but because you have absolutely no grasp of the bomb you threw into his life and what you need to do to try and save things. Its still all about you isnt it?

His behaviour is normal following an affair.
Some people get obsessed with the details and flip flop between calming down and then getting worked up again.

Realistically this is not going to work out. You want to be with the other man, and your husband already had a temper before the affair.

I come from the other side, I left my husband for someone I had been seeing. If I were you, I would end your marriage now, there will never be any trust between you, chances are it will be tit for tat, he will have an affair to get back at you. Tell him he can divorce you & you won't contest it as long as he doesn't name who you had the affair with, a clean break. Him hacking into your social media, wanting your phone records could be seen as abuse & you could have reasons to divorce him yourself for unreasonable behaviour.

Leave. It is over. You have committed adultery and this is the price. You have now given him licence to control and track you at every level, as he simply doesn’t trust you and you are in the wrong.
accept that things will never be the same again, and let him move on. You’ll end up be a bloody prisoner of your own making, and I couldn’t live like that.

So you had another man's penis inside you and are objecting to information given to your DH about the whys and wherefores?

If this is real (sounds like a windup to see how people treat women differently than men, bc mumsnet is so stuck on that idea 🙄)

after an affair, this is one of the prescribed ways to rebuild trust. You lost your right to privacy when you broke the trust.

so make your choice. Leave, or live with the consequences, and work to rebuild trust.

now if he started telling you you couldn’t wear makeup, you couldn’t wear certain clothing, and starting using your past as an excuse to treat you badly, that would be a problem.
a counselor could make this all clear in a more professional and safe way.

I’m guessing the real reason you’re against this is not really about perceived control from your husband but more to do with the fact that you only stopped texting the OM two days ago (according to your thread) & I’m assuming your husband doesn’t actually know this?

Can you explain why you feel like it’s controlling ? I’ve never cheated or been cheated on, so you’ll have to elaborate. From an outsider perspective, it might be that you’re worried he may catch you in a lie if
you downplayed the contact?

He's just trying to understand the depth of your betrayal.

You sound pretty oblivious to what you have done.
You are a cake eater.

Can you get phone bills detailing dates and times in text messages in 2023???

20 years ago maybe

Transparency is absolutely key after an affair it’s not controlling it’s about honesty, openness and his healing.

Your husband needs to leave you. You’re unremorseful and absolutely uninterested in doing any work to repair this. It’s a shame it’s not him coming to ask our advice.

From what you were saying on your other thread, you still desire having the other mans penis inside you.
Who can blame your dh for needing more information about your affair?

He is not controlling at all - you should be begging for forgiveness & doing everything possible to aid his recovery. You are a dishonest women - fix it

Can we stop with the “penis inside you” thing?

It's not controlling - especially if he's suspected for a while but you'd gaslit him and said you weren't having an affair. The times and dates are an important clue and give more details about the betrayal. Whether you only texted after he'd left for work or texted when you were spending time together on holiday, finding out which memories and events are tainted is going to be painful but also a relief. Knowing the truth is the only way to start the healing process and knowing whether or not the cheater can be forgiven.

Agreed. It always makes me wince