I've screwed up my relationship

[confusedscrewup234]

Help me make sense of my head please.

I don't know what i want. I've been in a LTR for 10 years now and most of it has been absolutely brilliant. The sex is OK though, i've never had an orgasm, but I was OK with that - mostly. Everything else was fantastic. We are perfect together. We're now long distance for his work (he's abroad) and it's been two years now. I don't know what I want any more - last time I stayed with him I felt that I didn't fancy him any more and his hygiene had dropped and and weight gain put me off (hadn't seen each other for 6 months before). I felt we were becoming platonic. It's from my side though, he still feels the same about me. He has health problems and gets very emotionally sensitive, so I've never really told him any of the things that bother me because he can't deal with it. I've been keeping my feelings inside for so long that I think they've built up and I can't deal with it any more. I feel like a fraud - I love him so much and so deeply and we are best friends, but I feel like I'm lying because I'm not as attracted as I once was. I've been ignoring it. Being far away from each other has aided to ignoring problems.
Since he's been away I've been completely faithful, but in my head I've been fantasising about others (mostly actors, famous ppl etc), no one I know in person. I get really horny but not for him - for a fantasy figure in my head! I'm also going through peri and feeling drier down there but still horny? Anyone else gets this, it's so frustrating! This is adding to my confusion as to what I want. I don't get this horny with him - but is this the menopause and will it pass?
He's always thought I have a low sex drive - I've never been hugely sexual IRL (not many partners) but lately the horniness has been off the scale, but it's not for him. Will it pass?? it's not normal for me to feel like this all the time!

Here's the problem - I've always told him I wanted to get married and we've talked about it a bit over the years but never done it. Now he wants to get married but last night I told him I was unsure - perhaps it's too soon, we should wait till he's back in the country etc. He planned to come over one weekend for us to get engaged but when we were talking about it last night all of a sudden it's like I got cold feet! Even though we've talked about it for weeks and I was looking forward to it, I told him he shouldn't be spending money coming over now and we should wait till he's back in this country for good (in a few months time) and then get engaged.

In my head I've always thought that marriage was the be all and end all, I always thought that being married would solve all my problems and once it's done I will feel 'settled'. He's my absolute best friend and very kind and caring so why have I reacted like this?

Am I just 'throwing him away' because I have too high expectations, or should I stay with him, with someone who understands me, has always been there for me and makes me feel safe and cosy? I'm in my 50s so my chances of someone new are slim so am I being just completely stupid and full of myself?

Anyway I've really, really hurt him and he isn't answering my calls. I'm sure he thinks I'm 'messing him about' but that was never my intention. How do i fix this? I don't know what I want. What is wrong with me?? But the LAST thing I ever wanted is to hurt him but I've done that now. The thought of us actually ending is scaring me, I've been crying on and off all day.

The thought of us breaking up is terrifying to me, but the thought of getting engaged gave me cold feet!??

I don't expect anyone to have any answers to be honest ,except that I need therapy! But if you've managed to read this far, I commend you and thanks.

Do not settle for anything less than what you want. Your expectations are not too high!
if you’re not attracted to him anymore at all then I’d say it’s probably over.
also he’s never given you an orgasm in 10 years WTF!!!! What a selfish lover he is. And you are SO missing out girl lol.

a relationship is about being honest with your feelings and your partner trying to understand, so it’s very sad you aren’t honest with him due to him not being able to handle it.

The relationship isn’t good enough, you’re just afraid of being alone.

The sex is ok but you’ve never had an orgasm? The sex is utterly shit, you just don’t realise it because you’re used to mediocrity.

Exactly. Sex without an orgasm is not "ok". I would not be with anyone with whom I described sex as "ok"

I know this wasn't the point of the thread but no orgasm in a DECADE?! 🤯

Seriously op that's not ok, you're missing out massively there! Have you ever climaxed with a partner? If not you don't know what you're missing.

Just because she hasn’t orgasmed with him, doesn’t mean she hasn’t had them.

Just to clarify, I've never had an orgasm through sex, I thought that was common for women? I've had orgasms when he went down on me, but only a couple of times - over the years I've become less and less relaxed in bed. I can't get out of my head. I can orgasm by myself though (and do, especially lately with the off-the-scale horniness, lol)

I spoke to him last night and tried to be as honest as possible. I told him I got cold feet, but at the same time I don't know what I want. I really don't. He said we should take two weeks apart from each other and not speak, to give me space to think.

I've never been good at knowing what I want (super strict parents and a people pleaser personality) but this time I feel that things have come to a crunch and I'm crumbling with the pressure of deciding my future. Yes, I am scared of being alone but at the same time I don't want to be some type of fraud, or go through with things and end up in a sexless marriage. He really does love me and accepts all my problems but I feel I would be lacking in integrity if I just go along with that? I don't know!

Jeez, One orgasm every 5 years isn't a good ratio.

Would he care if you told him this? Does he not notice that you don't?

You should have ended this relationship a long, long time ago and you know it. Stop wasting your time and his.

Stop being a people pleaser.
End it now, getting married definitely won’t fix things, or change how you feel.
Sorry to be blunt.

I don't orgasm during sex (and I've had sex with lots of men lol), but I've enjoyed sex especially if it's with someone I love. It's more about connection than having an orgasm.

The relationship isn’t good enough, you’re just afraid of being alone.

This right here. I know so many people that stay in ok/bad relationships for fear of being alone. Even I have done this but now I realize I'd rather be alone than be with someone I don't really like.

You're young, don't waste your youth on someone just because you're afraid to be alone. There are other men out there that will tick all your boxes that you're also attracted to.

The orgasm is not the issue, the issue is you no longer find him attractive. Poor hygiene is absolutely unforgivable.
End the relationship asap and find a man that gives you butterflies 🦋 again. Don’t settle for a man that will soon repulse you. Very soon, you will see this for what it is, a golden opportunity to avoid being trapped in a loveless, sexless marriage.

Not what you're asking about , but most women have the delightfully-named vaginal atrophy after menopause. The dryness will just get worse unless you treat it. You probably need a prescription for Vagifem pessaries ( they are very small ) from your GP. It's a small dose of oestrogen which will help if you do have sex, but in any case it will keep your vagina comfortable and healthy. Good luck with your decision.

Getting married is not going to solve anything. From everything you have said I think you should break up. I doubt it's going to turn better anymore.

Okay I literally created an account just to let you know that THE VAST MAJORITY of women do not orgasm from penetrative sex! The number is something as low as 2% of women. Clitoral stimulation is absolutely essential for most women, although this could always be done at the same time as penetrative sex by either yourself, your partner, or a toy 😉

And also, I think the best thing to do is to give it at least 6 months of living g together and trying to build the intimacy back up once he is back living in the country. You're bound to feel distant after so long without him there physically, but that doesn't mean those feelings will be gone forever. Sex in relationships goes through many phases, you probably just need to feel closer to him again for it to come back.

Not mn comments gunning for separation again smh! Always can expect people on here to wave that 'grass is greener on the other single side' flag!

OP you said you're a people pleaser and not being good at knowing what you want. I think personally, you've enjoyed the comfort of a loving and kind man, and through no fault of his, have maybe not communicated your needs very well and openly- including regarding orgasm.

Most men lack a little hygiene and self maintenance when there isn't a woman in their space. Any mn poster who says otherwise, is really projecting a delusion, and I'd be careful taking advice on here.

Lack of maintainance and drop in hygiene isn't something to throw a relationship away over, considering both can be easily managed? As we mature, isn't a kind, loving, endearing and comforting companion what we seek, and the rest we work through together?

I can write lots, but I'm sure you don't want an essay. I think the long distance has probably made the relationship a little platonic for you and just the hard work required, has probably caused you to not feel so bothered anymore, and your own body changes are maybe clouding your judgement slightly?

In todays world more than ever, it's very hard to find to find someone who you can describe as you have your bf. Unless you're a little conceited and have used this man for all the comforts he's given you; I'd wait until he returns, and spend time with him to see how I feel, before going chasing waterfalls!

We're never going to find 100% in someone, and it's self absorbed to think we can ever be 100% for someone. As someone once said 'don't leave your 80% person to go after the 20% in someone else, because that someone else will also have 20% they can't give you'.

I think you've gotten a little comfortable in the relationship, and you don't seem to have bad intentions. The fact that he's suggested a little time away, I think has maybe flipped the table and made you realise the ball isn't all in you'll court, and you're feeling even more confused, because you thought he'd go along with all your demands?

Work through this OP, and work on being less of a people pleaser and openly communicating what you think. You'll never know what's right for you, until you learn to speak up. You don't have to be nasty about it, but tell him how you feel attracted to whatever attracted you to him in the first place and suggest he work on that. We all gain a little fat with age and get complacent from time to time. Don't go thinking you fart roses :-P

Ask yourself how real you've been with him before throwing away a good relationship. And don't agree to marriage until you've both explored being on the same page - and that will take its own time :)

All these juvenile comments on break a relationship over lack of orgasm, is comical, considering you've not really detailed your communication with your BF on this. Best wishes.

@Rubiconmango thanks so much. I've been trying to speak up openly with him and have hurt him even though I tried really hard not to. But It's years of resentments and things I've never spoken up about, so it's better that it's out in the open now. He says he appreciates it as he knew something was up with me. Time will tell if we're still together in future. I think he has a few resentments now! I'm trying to be gentle with him because it's all a bit out of the blue for him :/

I've started going to a therapist who says I need 'inner child healing', not sure what that means or entails, but it's a start.

We all carry inner traumas from when we were children. These don't have to be extreme cases, but are valid nonetheless. They shape us in ways we wouldn't necessarily choose as adults if given options. So inner child therapy healing, is exploring childhood to see where your adult behaviours stem from, behaviours that are not serving you well in navigating adulthood - like people pleasing. The therapy supports with exploring how you can recondition those behaviours, as an adult who now has self control in steering their ship. It can be an emotional journey to heal your inner child, and at times you'll want to give up, but perseverance is key, because it is liberating in ways you wouldn't have necessarily known you needed.

So pleased to read your post. And wish your relationship well. Yes bf may be understandably upset, but I'm sure he being as invested as he is, will support you through navigating this, and you'll grow stronger and even better as a couple, through it :) like I said, we all have childhood healing needed. Now don't go projecting that on you bf, but just saying, it's just how the cookie crumbles. Healthcare Professional here, so I know first hand.

You're blessed to find someone like you bf and he's also blessed I'm sure. You seem like a good human too.

Best wishes for your journey forward ✨️ ❤️

Really appreciate your words @Rubiconmango 💕

OP, don’t make any major decisions while you’re living in different countries. Long-distance relationships are fragile (in my experience and many other people’s) and go downhill very easily.

Wait till he’s back in this country and you’re seeing him more often, or living with him. See how you feel about him then. See if the intimacy regrows or can be encouraged to regrow.

But don’t just accept bad hygiene — that would put anyone off!