How would you feel if your partner said he would stay with you if you got ill because it was the ‘right thing to do’?

[DonkeyFacedCunt]

I will try to keep this brief.
DP and I have been together 2 years. We have both been married before and both have dc from previous marriages.
When we first got together he told me that he wasn’t ‘very good at love’. He wasn’t romantic and hadn’t been in love with his ex wife (although he had been in love before. I now know that what he calls being ‘in love’ is what I would call caring about someone/loving them).
he is a brilliant dp and very helpful and practical, great with my dc, never ever unkind to me. I am getting used to the fact that ‘acts of service’ is how he shows he loves me, and he also does tell me this occasionally. If we have a conversation about this he points out that he is very good ti me (he’s right) and we have a great time together (he’s right) and he wants to be with me forever, so does it really matter if I think I feel more for him than he does for me? I do understand this and most of the time I am okay with it.

For various reasons I am more likely to become seriously ill at some point than him. We had a conversation today about moving in together in a couple of years (spoken about for a while). On questioning, (and this was me pushing) he admitted that if I got ill he would stay because it’s the right thing to do, and he is a good guy, rather than because he wanted ti look after me specifically. He said it is also because he recognises that you have to take the rough with the smooth.
I am a very independent person, and so I told him that I would never expect him to stay with me. That it’s one of the reasons we are not going to get married, so he doesn’t have to be committed to me like that. Although I put it as ‘we don’t have that kind of relationship’.

really, I know he would stay and not leave if I wanted him to, but how would you feel about this? I did know it really, but it has just made me a bit sad this eve.

I don’t see the problem with what he said.
No one ever “wants” to have to look after someone.

I don’t think what he has said is bad either. It’s what most people think, surely? No one ‘wants’ to look after a seriously ill person, but you do if it’s the right thing to do.

Agree no one wants to do that, which is why in sickness and in health is in marriage vows. However, when it happens it doesn't feel like that, you love the person so you want to do it, but would still prefer that the person wasn't going through that and you jointly had the life you had before.

Okay. Thank you.
I just think if it was me I’d want to look after him because I’d want to make sure he was okay because of my feelings for him, not just out of a sense of duty. It’s just another way of seeing that our feelings aren’t the same.
I also know that, knowing that now, if/when I become I’ll, I won’t let him stay. Which means that an already shit time will be worse.
Like I said, I did know it anyway. Tomorrow I will be okay about what he said.

“I just think if it was me I’d want to look after him because I’d want to make sure he was okay because of my feelings for him”. I think you are romanticising sickness and death a little. I’ve looked after someone, it’s very hard, often unpleasant, always heartbreaking. I don’t want my DD to do it for me.

It sounds like your DP is hard/cold and you’re warm and fluffy (for want of words) and you just aren’t compatible, he’s not meeting your needs. He appears to love you and care, but not very capable of showing it. You either accept that, or move on or tell him what you need.

I don't see a problem with what he said.

Sounds fine to me.
I'm in the same situation. My husband has had to help me a lot.

You do do it because it's the right thing for a good person to do.

To put it another way - you don't abandon someone when they need you the most.

I'd think it made him a lot more self aware, realistic and honest than most tbh.
Its not a popular thing to say, but Iivng with a seriously ill person csn be restricting, hard work and involve huge compromises. You need stoicism, loyalty, and yes, a sense its the right thing to do.
I'd rather have a partner clear headed enough to know that and still feel they'd do it rather than some romantic statement based in a theory they've no idea what looks like in practise.
Anyone who loves you enough to stay with you knowing they may need to care for you loves you. That's enough.

Slightly different perspective for me. I was single when I was diagnosed with an illness that will significantly shorten my life and made the decision there and then that I didn’t want to get involved with anyone again, for the reason that I don’t want anybody to feel like they have to stay with me because it’s the right thing to do, or out of a sense of duty, but in your position I can understand why your are unsettled.

Thank you all. This has helped me gain perspective. He said that we will have to see what happens and I guess he is right.
I am just an over thinker (and tired)

Men are 7 times more likely to leave than women if their partner gets seriously ill so honestly he sounds like a good one that he would expect to stay

No one wants to be a carer to someone they love I think it's okay to acknowledge that

What more do you want from him @DonkeyFacedCunt ?

He wants to do things for you, he enjoys spending time with you, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Isn't that what love is? It is to me.

You say that you feel more for him than he does for you, how on earth do you know that? He may be crap at saying the words you want to hear, but he's certainly demonstrating what he feels in other ways.

Exactly OP.
And he's not starry eyed about the idea of loooooove solving everything,
Caring for a seriously ill person is hard. Especially if you're not married he can leave at any time.

The fact that he'd stay means a lot of course it's just words but still.

Also, please tell me you pinched your username from a story I told on here a few months back! Or if not, then I've got a fantastic story to tell involving your username

I can see what you mean. I looked after DH because I wanted to care for him not out of some kind of sense of duty because it was the right thing to do. When he was first diagnosed he asked me if I wanted to leave him and I told him no because I loved him no matter what. But I think his actions are showing you that he does love you, he just struggles to say the words.

It's better than him telling you he'd run for the hills.

I did! It was too good not to use! Sorry 😬

I love my husband dearly but if it came to it I would be looking after him mostly out of a sense of duty. Not because I loved him less, you can still love someone and feel strongly duty bound to make sure they have the best life possible. That is borne out of love and care. You wouldn't do it for someone you felt nothing for, unless it was your paid job.

You should also remember that some people have more aptitude for the care of and life with a very ill person than others. Wanting to do something because you love a person is not a greater love than not wanting to but doing it anyway. In fact arguably the reverse.

Don't apologise, it's fantastic!

As a classic overthinker I see this in a different way.
We rightly love our spouses now. We cannot guarantee that we will love the ill/whatever them.
By saying he will stay for duty he is saying that even if he no longer had 'love'/'feeling' he'd still feel the obligation towards his partner.