Affair

[Lilym41]

Husband and I have been together a long time these last few years have been tough. I’ve felt like a single parent lost my identity as a woman and felt more like a piece of furniture than anything.
‘Husband has a bit of a temper and often shouts/criticises me.
Anyway, no excuses but I met someone else.
we got on really well together, had an instant spark and enjoyed the short time we spent together. I felt alive again
We both agreed that if we lived closer we would have liked to have started a proper relationship.
Anyway we texted for a while and I’ve put an end to that now.
My husband knows about the affair and after the initial anger he has now calmed down told me he loves me doesn’t want to lose me and while there’s never an excuse for cheating he has admitted he showed me no attention left me to effectively single parent and chose to speak to others instead of me about any issues in our family life.
Now I still love my husband and we’re giving our marriage another go however I can’t stop thinking about this other person and how much I want to be with him.
It almost feels like I’m grieving for someone which is ridiculous !
What can I do to Forget about him so I can put 100% into my marriage ?

Delete his number, remove him from any social media accounts you might have him on, delete any photos you might have with him, completely remove any traces of him from your life and forget he exists.
Do lots of fun things with your husband, things you both enjoy. Days out, weekends away, date nights. You will soon forget about him.

There isn’t a miracle solution I’m afraid (I wish there was, believe me!), but time is the only thing that will help you to forget him.
If you think you can be happy in your marriage again, and really do love your husband then keep at it, and eventually you’ll just have fond memories.
If you’re not, then end the marriage and find someone else who makes you that happy.
sorry if not amazing advice, but I have been in the same position myself, and I know how it feels.

I do agree with others that time is key here, however I'm not entirely convinced that's what you want to hear.
I think the question that you need to ask yourself is, is it your husband who you truly want to be with? And it's ok if it isn't. You are entitled to be happy whoever that is with.

If you husband provides you no financial, practical,l o emotional support why are you making a go of it?

Are you making a go of it because you do actually love him or because it feels safer to stay?

Your husband sounds horrible and abusive. Do you really want to stay with him? Do you really think he'll change and provide you with the respect and consideration you need? (Spoiler alert, he won't. He just doesn't want his easy life to change.)

You're halfway out the door. Perhaps you should keep going.

Husband says this was a wake up call he needed to change his behaviour as he doesn’t want to lose me.
Ive been wanting things to change for such a long time he just wouldn’t change anything.
meeting this OM I had a glimpse of a life I dream of having but I’m probably romanticising it.

I still love him

I don't know, life is very short and perhaps too short or settle, compromise or be unhappy.

How unrealistic is it for you to leave and pursue the relationship with the nice sounding man?

He lives quite far away, and I have children so not really feasible but I can’t help thinking about him. I put an end to the texting yesterday

It sounds like such a hard situation and I really do feel for you. I've loved someone who was no good for me and it was very hard to break away, I'm not saying this is your situation at all and that your husband isn't worthy of your love, however what have I learned is that when somebody has a 'wake up call' things will be wonderful for a few weeks, months and then usually things start to go back to the way were.

I really do hope this isn't the case for you. Only you know your husband and If he can truly change for the foreseeable.

Tbh I’m not sure long term change is possible. I’m pulled between staying and going.
It’s ridiculous but I just want to be with this OM

You've answered your Q. Don't settle! Life is too short. Don't spend it hoping and wishing.

I feel like after 24 years I should give my marriage another chance though my heart says run off and be with this OM

This is all quite raw at the moment. Be gentle with yourself. It will come to you. Deep down I think you know the answer, it's just doing it which is the hardest and scariest part. Lean on those closest to you and seek support and help from those around you. Don't be alone. You're in control of your happiness!

Look up sunk cost fallacy, op. You're just wasting more priceless time you'll never get back.

But you don’t.

He doesn’t provide financial support. He doesn’t provide practical support and doesn’t provide emotional support.

So what do you love about him? Name some things. He brings nothing to you life. You don’t want to be there. It’s just a massive change to leave, which scares you. How would your life be worse if you leave your husband?

If you loved him and really wanted to make it work, you wouldn’t also be desperate to leave.

Forget the OM, OP. You scarcely know him. You have absolutely no idea what he would be like as a partner. The fact you couldn’t officially be together will have added to the intensity of your interest in each other. You’ve been starved emotionally so a few crumbs from a man who’s shiny and new and has shown himself willing to engage with a married woman have much greater allure than they would have had in better circumstances. OM may prove a total letdown in real life.

You need to think with your head not your heart on this.

All that said - 24 years is an awfully long time to spend being emotionally neglected. Where’s your H been all this time? It’s interesting that he’s been able to ignore your pleas for attention over the years but panics once he realises another man is interested. It’s almost as if he’s seeing you as a person for the first time in years.

I think the best thing is - don’t make any long-term decisions at the moment. Put
OM out of the equation. It’s safest to make decisions from the position that you’re either with your H or alone. Take your time. That way you will have a better sense of how real this change in your H is and you won’t be basing your decision making on another man, who might let you down.

He provides financial support can be emotionally supportive when he wants to be.

But you don’t love him
And he has only marginally stepped up because of the affair. It just feels safer to stay for the moment.
Bite the bullet and start making plans to be with the man you really want to be with.
Life is short.

If that’s all you can think of when you think about why you love him.

Money and occasional financial support? That’s it?

If so you don’t love him. love isn’t the reason you are staying.

The husband sounds crap. Angry men aren’t fit to marry or have a kid with. It’s sad you want to throw away more years of your life on him. If you were to ditch him, you should spend time on your own before dating or moving for your lover. It’s the parent who moves away that’s responsible for transporting the kids for contact with the other parent.(if your are still young enough for that to be relevant)

How are things for you now @Lilym41 ?

Well, I’m working on myself and getting help as I’m slowly coming to terms I’m in an abusive relationship. Things I’ve brushed under the carpet and accepted are wrong and am coming to terms with that. I’m getting the help I need and hopefully I’ll be able to leave soon

I’m sorry to hear you’re in an abusive relationship but it’s great that you are taking steps forward in your life. I wish you all the very best.

Did you cut all contact with the other man?

Yea I did though I still think about him every day