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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being dramatic?

13 replies

Yay68 · 17/08/2023 14:48

Yay68 · Today 14:04
Help! Would love thoughts on this. I've been with partner for 18mths. Both in our mid fifties, old school friends who reconnected. After 9mths of dating he moved in with me. He left his old town and moved to London. Both our families were happy and good times. I always knew he loved a drink but since living together full time I've noticed he drinks every evening. 1 bottle of wine (sometimes more) a night + more weekends. The moment he gets home he starts drinking. He didn't get on well work wise in London so has now moved back to old town where he had a well paid job and is lodging with an old girl friend and comes home weekends. I've also found out he takes cocaine occasionally, also he drops this off to his brothers ex wife. I've discussed how this makes me feel and boundaries have been crossed. He said I've got trust issues and it's really not a big deal.. It all feels so immature and icky.. I'm so angry, I'm not a big drinker but recently have had too much to drink and now started accusing him of all sorts.. this isn't me!! He's now blaming MY drinking and behaviour for the break down of relationship. I have a beautiful family, run a business and was very happy single before he come along. I feel hood winked and betrayed. He's now left and other than one txt me telling him what I think of him ive gone no contact. He was a good man!! Worked hard, booked us holidays etc.. he's reached out twice to say how good our relationship is / was .. Be a shame to end it bla bla.. I really think what he's done is terrible and can't be with him. He seems to think I'm over reacting and causing unnecessary drama.

OP posts:
LylaLee · 17/08/2023 14:50

So an alcoholic, drug-using man living with his ex girlfriend out of choice.

Come on, op. You know the answer to this one.

Sherrycat · 17/08/2023 14:58

You did the right thing getting shot of him. He would never have changed, he sees no problem with his life style.

ParisianSun · 17/08/2023 15:11

I've experience of this, it doesn't end well. New OH drinks way more than you, you then start drinking more to fit in, it's really not you, and impacts your lifestyle and behaviour. Your behaviour then becomes "the problem"
In reality, and hindsight, OH was a functioning alcoholic, and was dragging me down that road.

I hope this doesn't sound familiar, but if it does, please take a step back and think about what you want in a partner. I'm sure it won't be this. Good luck :)

Watchkeys · 17/08/2023 15:12

He seems to think I'm over reacting and causing unnecessary drama

So he doesn't respect your feelings, then?

Do you?

Cornettoninja · 17/08/2023 15:13

No. And no one has the right to tell you what your boundaries should be.

HamishTheCamel · 17/08/2023 15:17

When you've been with someone for 18 months you're still in the "getting to know each other" phase. You've got to know him better (in particular from living together) and found out more about him and decided that his values don't align with yours. You're not being dramatic to say that, but perhaps you're being a little dramatic to describe yourself as "hoodwinked and betrayed". I don't think he's betrayed you.... this is just who he is, and the two of you aren't right for each other. You're right to finish the relationship and move on.

Watchkeys · 17/08/2023 15:37

perhaps you're being a little dramatic to describe yourself as "hoodwinked and betrayed

OP said she felt hoodwinked and betrayed.

Don't listen to anyone who tries to correct your feelings, @Yay68 Your feelings are your reality.

Seaswimmingforthesoul · 17/08/2023 15:42

Absolutely not being dramatic. I'd be exactly the same.

ParisianSun · 17/08/2023 15:46

IMO you have been hoodwinked. Did you know how much he drank and about the drugs? I guess not

newfriend05 · 17/08/2023 15:47

Well done OP for calling it .. you 💯 done the right thing.. you would of just been wasting time

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 15:50

Good grief, op, you're old enough to know that getting rid of this waster is your only sensible option. He sounds like nothing but trouble. Dump and block.

LinMortisanass · 17/08/2023 15:52

You've done the right thing OP. You don't need this alcoholic and drug user in your life.

Original poster
Yay68 · 21/08/2023 13:49

@ParisianSun I've been feeling so silly and naive (maybe I was) on reflection, red flags were there. The amount he drank but would never get drunk. Recent weeks I'd seen him drinking to excess at family celebrations, his tone changing and becoming louder and very opinionated. (Never aggressive) Living together was a game changer, Sunday' he would occasionally "try" not have his wine, he would become quiet, irritable and emotionally withdrawn. I know I've done the right thing. Appreciate your reply x

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