Can attraction grow slowly?

[Lulabelles]

I’ve went on a handful of dates with a guy I met recently. The first date went well and then due to personal reasons on my end, the other dates we’ve had were around 6 weeks after the initial date. He’s a lovely guy, attractive, kind, funny and we have very similar personalities and values however I’m just not sure how I feel (I know this sounds awful!). I don’t dislike him or anything but I just feel neutral I suppose.

Earlier this year I met someone and had a spark/instant chemistry with them that I’d never experienced before but It didn’t work out and I ended up with a lot of hurt feelings. Part of me is thinking should I be holding out for this again even though it’s only happened once in my 20 years of dating but then the other part of me thinks I am being totally unrealistic! I like to think that attraction can grow but equally I don’t want to lead him on as that seems cruel! I’ve recently been started on antidepressants too following a bereavement so I’m wondering if that’s why I’m feeling a bit numb about dating because to be honest, I feel like that in most aspects of life right now. In an ideal world I suppose it would probably be sensible to take time out from dating however I want a family and to settle down and due to my age that isn’t really realistic.

I like spending time with this guy, he makes me smile and I enjoy our dates but I’m torn between seeing how things go and whether things develop or just ending things now to be fairer to him as I don’t want to string him along.

Do you think attraction can grow? If so, how many dates would you give it?

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I think the point of dating is to figure out whether there's something there. If you're currently not sure, I don't think it's immoral to continue seeing him whilst you figure that out. It would be stringing him along if you knew for sure there isn't anything there.

The way you describe him suggests there is some attraction there, just not that instant fireworks spark. If that instant spark is something that's really important to you, then you should hold out for it. However, if you're asking whether that instant spark is necessary to build a healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationship then no, I don't think it is.

The antidepressants could very well be affecting how you're feeling about him. Generally I would advise against dating following a bereavement, but it sounds like you've met someone who is currently adding something positive to your life, so I think it's worth seeing how things go and whether anything develops.

I knew my partner years before we got together and initially there wasn't any massive spark and we were just acquaintances really, but something just clicked after years- although by the time we started dating it was very strong and definitely fireworks on our first dates.

I do think it can be something that grows as long as there is an initial attraction there and someone you like and get on with!

I didn’t really fancy my DP that much when I first met him but we got on so well. We were just kind of friendly dating/hanging out but by date 6ish I was desperate for him to snog me so I had to make it really obvious 🤣. From then on it was a firework spark type thing ever since.

There was no initial 'spark' between dh and I. I though he was nice enough, and I wasn't seeing anyone else, so we went out again. Then again, and so forth. We've been married over 30 years. He is my absolute rock.

I think this tells you all you need to know
I like spending time with this guy, he makes me smile and I enjoy our dates

I mean, why wouldn't you ?

There's a difference between having a "connection" and "sexual chemistry". You can have one without the other. I've had both.... As in people I've loved to shag but there's not much else, and people I've loved spending time with, but felt more comfy than passionate with them.

As i've got older, i've noticed that these feelings seems to correlate with my hormones. If I'm not feeling particularly sexual, then I'm more likely to feel a connection without the sexual chemistry, which seems to make sense.

Given where you are in your life right now, you probably won't feel particularly passionate with anyone... I know I've been out with some hotties, that I just felt meh about but actually that was more just how I was feeling...

The question I'd ask is how do you think you'd feel if you ended it. Imagine it, and if you feel you really wouldn't care if you never saw him again, then end it... If you'd feel sad and would hate the thought of never seeing him again, keep on in there, but tell him how you are feeling. If he's a keeper, he'll understand.

I knew my OH for years before we started dating. I didn't even glance at him. Then when I sat down and spoke to him properly the connection was instant and it was a whirlwind from there.

The other question to ask yourself is how would you feel if you split and be started dating someone else. Would you not be bothered, or do you think it might upset you.

I am friends with someone I dated very briefly, and when he started dating someone, it didn't bother me at all. But there's another friend that I'm close with, who I've also dated, who I'm realising writing this that I think I'd be upset about if I found he started dating someone else, indicating that I still have feelings, even though we split because the sexual chemistry wasn't quite there!

Those once in a 20 yr real sparks tend to come along once in every 20 years !

Perhaps, but sparks can be deceptive and blind you to the crap. Look how many relationships fail once the initial spark wears off and the person experiences the abuser/narcissist underneath.

That's not to say that some kind of spark isn't vital, just that a slow smoulder can be more conducive to something that's lasting than a super-charged spark!

I met a guy a couple of years ago, he was lovely, genuine, kind, and handsome. He was just my type and same values etc. We talked non stop on our first date. I just didn't feel the instant attraction and don't know why, nor did he.

We carried on seeing each other casually for coffees, messaged all the time, a few months later the spark was definitely there. Sadly it didn't go anywhere but the attraction definitely grew.

It's much more important to see whether there's something off-putting or repulsive (physically) about the other person, than whether there's instant attraction. Sexual attraction can and does grow.

Yes, I think it can grow. One of my longest relationships was one where we were friends first (in my case, years) then, well I’m not sure what changed but I just realised he was a lovely guy and I was thinking of him a lot, he was the first person I wanted to tell any exciting news to and the first person I wanted to go to if I needed any support or help and I felt jealous if he told me about the dates he was going on. Then we got drunk one night and it turned out he felt the same.

As far as OLD goes for feelings growing, I think it’s different because the expectation at the start is to be attracted to them and, if not, walk away.

It’s got to happen naturally, not out of hope that it might. You can’t force it.