Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed

13 replies

BlueStarbright · 17/08/2023 05:27

I was in a relationship with my son's father (my son is now 6months old) but since giving birth, he hasn't bothered to visit he's son or ask how he is.

Obviously with that behaviour we have broken up. But my problem is, he has a 9 year old daughter (the mother died years ago) who lives full time with him and she doesn't know, she has a little half brother.

I think it's wrong that he's going to hide the fact that he has a son from her. But my question is; should I let my son know when he gets older that he has an older sister out there or not. Will it cause my son more hurt that he's dad has rejected him.

Sorry if my grammar doesn't make sense. I'm just really upset and annoyed right now

OP posts:
MintJulia · 17/08/2023 05:43

I think age-appropriate honesty is always best.

But by then, your ex may have matured a little, grown a pair and want to have contact with his ds. I'd wait and see how it plays out.

Original poster
BlueStarbright · 17/08/2023 05:58

MintJulia · 17/08/2023 05:43

I think age-appropriate honesty is always best.

But by then, your ex may have matured a little, grown a pair and want to have contact with his ds. I'd wait and see how it plays out.

It's frustrating, I've never known a situation like this. I'm looking at my baby sleeping right now and thinking it's going to be so heartbreaking for him, to know not only has he got a dad who's rejected him but a dad who loves one child over the other.

I'm hoping it doesn't mentally effect my son as he gets older if he knows the truth.

OP posts:
firstbabyworries · 17/08/2023 06:35

@BlueStarbright I was in this situation. I was the child who's father had other children that didn't know about me. It hurt a lot. But it would have been far worse to have accidentally found out later on. As someone else said, age appropriate honestly always.
Good luck

Original poster
BlueStarbright · 17/08/2023 06:59

firstbabyworries · 17/08/2023 06:35

@BlueStarbright I was in this situation. I was the child who's father had other children that didn't know about me. It hurt a lot. But it would have been far worse to have accidentally found out later on. As someone else said, age appropriate honestly always.
Good luck

So sorry you are in that situation, can I ask did your father's other children find out about you?

I feel like I've failed as a mother, I just don't know how to explain this when he starts to ask about he's father

OP posts:
randomusernam · 17/08/2023 07:59

Try not to sit and worry about it to much. There is so much time between now and when your child would be in a situation to feel hurt. So many things could change in that time.

Maybe try contacting the father and explain you would love for him to have a relationship with his sister and could he find time to arrange a meet up between them?

Do you have contact with any of his family? Do they know about the baby. Maybe there could be a relationship from another family member.

Dery · 17/08/2023 08:09

@BlueStarbright - concentrate on filling your son’s life with other adults who care about him. Your ex has had no option but to step up for his daughter because her mother has died. Your son has his mother and you clearly love him very much. It will be years before he understands the significance of this and if his life is filled with other adults who care and take an interest, then that’s a very good grounding for him.

firstbabyworries · 17/08/2023 08:22

@BlueStarbright they did find out about me, but in early adulthood. It was horrible all round and although we did try and form some sort of relationship we don't really have any contact. It's very sad as it was none of our fault, but I've made my peace with it. They best thing you could do is just be honest. Don't sugar coat it as your child gets older because it will feel like you are protecting the father. On the flip side though, try not to bad mouth, just be honest

Original poster
BlueStarbright · 17/08/2023 09:19

randomusernam · 17/08/2023 07:59

Try not to sit and worry about it to much. There is so much time between now and when your child would be in a situation to feel hurt. So many things could change in that time.

Maybe try contacting the father and explain you would love for him to have a relationship with his sister and could he find time to arrange a meet up between them?

Do you have contact with any of his family? Do they know about the baby. Maybe there could be a relationship from another family member.

That's what I tried , last night I texted saying would you like to meet for a coffee, he's reply was "he's not my son". I have always been polite never pushed anything even when I msged to say he's son has been born he's reply was only "well done".

Previously he wanted a relationship with me but not my son. But I can't do that it's just wrong.

I do hope your right and over time it may change.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueStarbright · 17/08/2023 09:22

Dery · 17/08/2023 08:09

@BlueStarbright - concentrate on filling your son’s life with other adults who care about him. Your ex has had no option but to step up for his daughter because her mother has died. Your son has his mother and you clearly love him very much. It will be years before he understands the significance of this and if his life is filled with other adults who care and take an interest, then that’s a very good grounding for him.

Your right, so far I've been making sure he has family around him and some of my good friends kids. But tbh this morning the weight of it all made it hard to even look at him without feeling guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueStarbright · 17/08/2023 09:24

firstbabyworries · 17/08/2023 08:22

@BlueStarbright they did find out about me, but in early adulthood. It was horrible all round and although we did try and form some sort of relationship we don't really have any contact. It's very sad as it was none of our fault, but I've made my peace with it. They best thing you could do is just be honest. Don't sugar coat it as your child gets older because it will feel like you are protecting the father. On the flip side though, try not to bad mouth, just be honest

Was they angry at their dad for hiding you. I've kept he's details ie address, company name (he's self employed) so that if my son ever wants to find he's sister when he's older, he can try.

OP posts:
Alltheshoes74 · 17/08/2023 09:39

I was also a child with siblings who had no idea about me. Honest truth - I wouldnt and haven’t pursued it. Whilst there is a biological link, to me family is more than that. I’m well aware that chasing after this mythical family relationship is likely to cause more distress in the long run. Your son has you - I’d focus on building close bonds with others who actually care out of choice not obligation. Turn it around, look at this as a chance to fill his life with wonderful people who will love him dearly xx

firstbabyworries · 17/08/2023 11:41

@BlueStarbright I don't really know to be honest. We never spoke about our feelings towards him. We did all meet a few times but never kept up the contact

Original poster
BlueStarbright · 20/08/2023 22:31

Alltheshoes74 · 17/08/2023 09:39

I was also a child with siblings who had no idea about me. Honest truth - I wouldnt and haven’t pursued it. Whilst there is a biological link, to me family is more than that. I’m well aware that chasing after this mythical family relationship is likely to cause more distress in the long run. Your son has you - I’d focus on building close bonds with others who actually care out of choice not obligation. Turn it around, look at this as a chance to fill his life with wonderful people who will love him dearly xx

Thank you so much, I actually screenshot your msg. Its been helping me every time. I've been low

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread