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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I leave

25 replies

MeltyT · 16/08/2023 22:05

Me and my husband have been together 13 years and we have a child who is 5. Our relationship has been very rocky since we had our child. We have previously been to marriage counselling in circa 2020 but I didn’t find it that helpful as I didn’t think it was really helping us communicate in a better way.

I suspect my husband has adhd & asd but he won’t accept to even think that he has, most people who meet him think he’s asd. He suffers with poor mental health and takes medication for this which affects his libido and he has erectile dysfunction because of the meds. We haven’t had sex since April 2020 and I really want more sex in our relationship. I’ve tried talking with him about it but he said until our relationship is on track then he’s not interested. Touch is my love language so I’m feeling pretty rubbish about this.

I feel like if he accepted that his brain worked differently he may suffer with less anxiety/depression and things maybe better between us and we’d have a happier home life. I have paid for him to have CBT for over a year now and although can see some differences in how he copes it’s still hit and miss.

When he’s anxious he’s extremely critical of everything me and our child does and he is also very aggressive in his tone of voice etc. He shouts a lot and is generally pretty difficult to live with. I know I’m not perfect but I do apologise if I over step etc but he will not do so.

I love him despite his faults as he can be loving and caring on times. I don’t know how to fix things I’ve tried everything I can think of. I’ve suggested a break where he moves out and also marriage counselling (but not sure I can afford that) but that was over two weeks ago and at first he said he would move out but since decided he won’t, as he realised people would know things aren’t perfect and he’s swept it under the carpet.

I am so lonely and sad, any ideas how to revive our marriage? Leaving isn’t an option.

OP posts:

Squishmallowy · 16/08/2023 22:09

I’d just leave tbh I think you picked a wrong’un and will have a miserable life if you stick with him.

Pixiedust1234 · 16/08/2023 22:10

A different counsellor? Different medications?

but honesty, until he is willing to fully engage on making the marriage work then there is absolutely nothing you can do except make a choice from a) staying in the same situation for years or b) leave.

Andthereyougo · 16/08/2023 22:13

Never great to live with a shouty, critical man. You’ll walk on eggshells and yoyr dc will grow up thinking this is how men behave.
Maybe start planning to leave. (I would)

Original poster

MeltyT · 16/08/2023 22:16

If I leave he will have 50/50 custody and my child and I would be devastated. He currently does very little for child one early morning a week, a school drop off and pick up a week and so it would be a huge adjustment for everyone. I’m not sure if I could do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

MeltyT · 16/08/2023 22:17

I’ve suggested counselling but it’s very expensive and not sure I can really afford it right now with cost of living and we are already paying for his counselling which he def needs x

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/08/2023 22:21

MeltyT · 16/08/2023 22:16

Why are you assuming he would get 50-50. It would be over my dead body. He sounds absolutely terrifying.

Original poster

MeltyT · 16/08/2023 22:24

Because on paper he is a successful professional and he can be very charming. His family have plenty of money and I just don’t and so I don’t have anything to argue that he shouldn’t get 50/50.

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 16/08/2023 22:31

Even if he is entitled to 50/50 would he actually do it? Would he have your child overnight 4 days in a row doing the school runs, organising and paying for wrap around care, cooking for him, washing clothes, bedtimes?

How much does he do now?

Oh, and he needs to see his GP. Not only will they offer medication for his anxiety they now offer limited therapy (for free). It doesn't sound like your paid therapy is actually helping so maybe he needs a different kind. His GP would know.

Original poster

MeltyT · 16/08/2023 22:42

His paid therapy is working it’s just very slow as I think the adhd/asd makes focusing and sticking to one thing at a time difficult, he’s not as anxious/depressed now. He seen GP lots of times they changed his meds last year and he was suicidal so he doesn’t want to change them again as limited as to what he can take due to other medication he takes.

He would want 50/50 even if it was to spite me and his mother and sisters would help him, I’m sure. He never gets up in night child gets up at least once a night sometimes still wakes every two hours. He gets up 1/7 mornings so I can sleep but often doesn’t feed them breakfast so I end up being woken by child to give them their breakfast. He does school run one day a week and cooks dinner one day a week as child has an activity after school that day. Anything else he does is generally complained about or I feel like I’m forcing him to do.

OP posts:

Squarepegroundholee · 16/08/2023 22:51

Read a book called 22 things a women needs to know if she loves a man with Asperger’s and the autism couples workbook

Alcemeg · 17/08/2023 00:15

He would want 50/50 even if it was to spite me
Never spend another 5 minutes of your life with someone who you know would do anything, ever, just to spite you.

Poppyblush · 17/08/2023 05:01

Leave. Leave. Leave.

Original poster

MeltyT · 17/08/2023 07:09

Squarepegroundholee · 16/08/2023 22:51

Read a book called 22 things a women needs to know if she loves a man with Asperger’s and the autism couples workbook

Thank you I’ll look them up.

OP posts:

Fran2023 · 17/08/2023 07:24

If he’s ‘a successful professional’ and his family ‘have plenty of money’ and you don’t why did you pay for his therapy?

I also don’t think that you have a happy future with him. No matter how many books you read about being with someone with an ASD it still means that you sacrifice your own well-being for the sake of being with someone who can’t love you the way that you want to be loved. I spent years reading Maxine Aston and similar advisors, all they did was encourage me to stay with someone who was fundamentally abusive. That wasn’t their message, but in my head, having read them, I justified his abuse as ‘not his fault.’

Squarepegroundholee · 17/08/2023 08:59

MeltyT · 17/08/2023 07:09

Thank you I’ll look them up.

Show quote history

There is also a thread here ( I think it’s on thread 8) called something like ‘ married to a man with Asperger’s / autism’ I’ve searched it at times and it has been really helpful for me to gain the support I’ve needed and see some perspective from my husbands side x

Original poster

MeltyT · 17/08/2023 10:45

Fran2023 · 17/08/2023 07:24

If he’s ‘a successful professional’ and his family ‘have plenty of money’ and you don’t why did you pay for his therapy?

It’s because he wouldn’t pay for it last year he was suicidal and very seriously depressed and so I covered him on my private medical insurance through work so take home less pay because of the tax, he doesn’t see that as me paying for it.

OP posts:

Fran2023 · 19/08/2023 07:58

MeltyT · 17/08/2023 10:45

Show quote history

He’s an adult and making you pay for it is manipulative. It is also the case that if someone is not invested in therapy it is less effective.

Believe me when I tell you that I have been where you are.

Six years after our break up I look back and can see clearly how bad things were and how much better off I am without him. At the time I was heartbroken because I was trauma bonded.

Pixiedust1234 · 19/08/2023 10:40

He never gets up in night child gets up at least once a night sometimes still wakes every two hours. He gets up 1/7 mornings so I can sleep but often doesn’t feed them breakfast so I end up being woken by child to give them their breakfast. He does school run one day a week and cooks dinner one day a week as child has an activity after school that day. Anything else he does is generally complained about or I feel like I’m forcing him to do.

Sorry I didn't come back, no idea why. Your post just proves the 50/50 won't work for long. He won't want to deal with the lack of sleep or you know, actively looking after his own child. After a couple of months it will be 90/10 in your favour and that 10 will be cooking one meal before handing child back to you for bedtime. You see it over and over and over again in the many threads here. It's emotional manipulation/blackmail and usually when you stand up to them it disappears once reality hits (ie them actually having to do some real parenting).

You do not have to stay. You can leave for any reason ❤

Picklesandcheese444 · 19/08/2023 11:17

My partner/now ex of this week
Has said he think he's got adhd. Never diagnosed. I think he's got a personality disorder.

Some of his behaviours are: he is
Emotionally stunted. Handles things like a child. Won't listen..won't talk respectfully. Gets mad over tiny things which result in anxiety, silent treatments and awful amounts of stress. He blames me for everything. He's allowed to be inconsistent, moody and demanding and give little back, but if I start to question him i become the bad guy.

I'm treated appalling and constantly told why I bring it on myself. Its a horrible place to be..

Unfortunately we are at a stalemate..we can't get past our latest rows. He's depressed and anxious and basically he doesn't like me.

neilyoungismyhero · 19/08/2023 11:25

MeltyT · 16/08/2023 22:17

I’ve suggested counselling but it’s very expensive and not sure I can really afford it right now with cost of living and we are already paying for his counselling which he def needs x

It doesn't sound as if the counselling that you're paying for is doing any of you much good. Maybe better to save your money and re- think your future..life's too short to live like this...I do and I shouldn't have but am too old now to make any change.

Original poster

MeltyT · 23/08/2023 21:22

Picklesandcheese444 · 19/08/2023 11:17

My partner/now ex of this week
Has said he think he's got adhd. Never diagnosed. I think he's got a personality disorder.

I'm treated appalling and constantly told why I bring it on myself. Its a horrible place to be..

Unfortunately we are at a stalemate..we can't get past our latest rows. He's depressed and anxious and basically he doesn't like me.

It’s so difficult because if it was a woman with adhd or any condition they are still expected by society to put their family first and often do so because they need to but men seem to be able to get away with using a medical condition as an excuse 🙄

OP posts:

category12 · 23/08/2023 21:48

Honestly I think you owe it to your child to get them out of this environment where they're criticised and made to feel a nuisance. It's going to ruin their self-esteem as they're growing up, not to mention seeing this as their model for relationships.

Even if it was 50/50, at least they'd be out of that environment some of the time and have something to compare it to, an emotionally safe place with you. Currently this is their normal all the time and you're party to it by tolerating it.

Seaoftroubles · 23/08/2023 22:50

OP, l can't see how he enhances your life in any way. You've done a lot to support him with his issues but it seems you've got nothing back. Personally I couldn't stay with anyone who was critical and aggressive towards his 5 year old child so l would be calling time on this relationship.
If the property is yours l'd be asking him to go, if not l'd be preparing to leave. I doubt very much he would cope with 50/50 as he does so little parenting.

PrinceHaz · 23/08/2023 22:56

You shouldn’t stay with him if he’s shouty and aggressive around your child. It’s not fair on them to put up with the trauma of listening to that.

BreaktheCycle · 23/08/2023 23:30

Leaving a bad relationship is always an option, regardless of age.

I was expecting you to say he isn’t working due to his MH, but you say he’s
got access to more money than you as he’s a successful professional, and that his family have got plenty of money so, therefore, stop sacrificing your salary to pay for his therapy. You should be putting that money towards your Fuck Off Fund!

Life’s too short to live like that. Plus, your child is unlikely to thank you if they grow up damaged due to their toxic upbringing.

He clearly won’t manage or will want to manage 50/50 when it comes down to it.

Put you and your child first every time.

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