Marriage - roommate stage, does it get better?

[overmummy2701]

Myself and my H have been married 6 years, hardly any time at all.

However last year I did something very stupid and ended up in trouble with the law. He took out a loan to support me and pay the solicitors fees which were extortionate! I then came clean about the secret debt I had built up of over £10k and he took it all on himself and is paying it.

Luckily, my incident with the law settled down after 6 months of torture, however we haven't been the same since. He is stressed and worried about money. We constantly bicker and I find myself feeling like we're roommates or just friends half of the time!

I also found some very flirty, suggestive messages on his phone between him and a colleague and all I was told was that I was overthinking and she is a lesbian so I don't need to worry.

We have 2 young sons. I worry that although he has supported me so much throughout this process, he is seeking comfort and help from elsewhere. He very rarely goes out and enjoys himself, however sometimes he does have to go away with work and I'm wondering if this is where he is seeking said comfort...

I feel a lot of resentment from him and I'm worried I'm losing him. When I try to talk to him about it he says I'm being silly, and if he didn't want to be with me why would he have helped and supported me.

Any advice would be welcome

Can I ask if you have any earning capacity to help pay the debt?

If not then I would suggest to him that either he accepts that he has offered to help resolve this, but if he has underlying resentment, then he needs to make a choice to do so unconditionally, or tell you that he's not happy.

If he's using it as a stick to beat you with, then it's not good for anyone.

Have you actually addressed why you ended up with 10k worth of debt- could it happen again?

I’m not surprised he’s resentful. You’ve lobbed a couple of massive grenades into your lives and he seems to be the one solving, sorting and paying for them.

If the law breaking and debt revelation were only last year it’s early days in him processing all of it and you may be expecting a bit much. He’ll see you as a different person to the one he loved and trusted, he’s probably raging and massively unsettled and possibly considering what the future looks like - even if he’s stepped up to rescue you, twice - and what impact the options will have on your children.

He hopefully isn’t cheating but tbh there’s distrust in your marriage already and it sounds like it’ll need a lot of work to fix it.

Why are you bickering with him? Of course he’s stressed about money. Loads of people are and that’s without discovering secret debt and financing mega legal bills. The future as he knew it has changed, as has his idea of who his wife was. Maybe give him a break, he’s still there and trying to keep things together.