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Original poster

Moving in with someone who has a mortgage- what do I need to know?

47 replies

ADHDspoonie · 16/08/2023 19:36

OK, it's not happening for at least a year but after my last relationship ended appallingly and I ended up losing my home despite a joint tenancy, I DON'T want to go through that again!

I've never lived with someone who owns their own home before except as a kid with my family....

So how can I protect myself? We may get married but that's not a sure thing yet as we're both a bit ambivalent about it right now and I want to be protected either way, especially as we're planning to have children together and I also want to make sure I maintain my independence as much as possible, despite being disabled so I don't leave myself in a vulnerable position again. I'm keen to not make the mistakes I've made before.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 17/08/2023 16:03

But you don’t have any assets to protect
yet you seem to want to move in and automatically be entitled to a share of his house, or have a right to reside there…. In return for what contribution? If I was him no way would I be agreeing to that

as others says, the thing to think about is do you wa t to give up social housing?

even if you did move in and have a baby it’s not like you’re giving up a well paid career and need company for that

sorry that sounds harsh but it’s the reality

STARCATCHER22 · 17/08/2023 16:09

millymollymoomoo · 17/08/2023 16:03

But you don’t have any assets to protect
yet you seem to want to move in and automatically be entitled to a share of his house, or have a right to reside there…. In return for what contribution? If I was him no way would I be agreeing to that

as others says, the thing to think about is do you wa t to give up social housing?

even if you did move in and have a baby it’s not like you’re giving up a well paid career and need company for that

sorry that sounds harsh but it’s the reality

This hits the nail on the head to be honest.

He has property. You don’t. I’m not entirely sure what you would be losing 🤷🏻‍♀️ or why you think you’re entitled to any of his house.

caringcarer · 17/08/2023 16:12

ADHDspoonie · 16/08/2023 19:36

OK, it's not happening for at least a year but after my last relationship ended appallingly and I ended up losing my home despite a joint tenancy, I DON'T want to go through that again!

I've never lived with someone who owns their own home before except as a kid with my family....

So how can I protect myself? We may get married but that's not a sure thing yet as we're both a bit ambivalent about it right now and I want to be protected either way, especially as we're planning to have children together and I also want to make sure I maintain my independence as much as possible, despite being disabled so I don't leave myself in a vulnerable position again. I'm keen to not make the mistakes I've made before.

I'd advise don't have children if you are not married. You won't get financial protection.

feellikeanalien · 17/08/2023 16:25

All those saying the OP has nothing to lose have no idea how valuable a social housing tenancy is.

You have security of housing OP which is an incredibly important thing, especially these days. Particularly as you have a child.

If I was you I wouldn't give that up and move in without being married. I know it must be hard being in two different places but if you give up your tenancy and move in then, if anything goes wrong, you will be homeless and in a very vulnerable position.

There is no guarantee that you would get another social housing tenancy and trying to find a private rental whilst on benefits is not easy.

Surely in a year or so you will know if the relationship has a future. If your partner truly values you he should understand that moving in without marriage places you in a very vulnerable position, particularly if you are intending to have a child with him.

outdooryone · 17/08/2023 16:28

I’m not entirely sure what you would be losing 🤷🏻‍♀️

She would be loosing a social house - cheaper, better maintained, nice place etc.

Should the relationship breakdown then she is back renting privately or even struggling to have a home.

The potential loss is future higher rents and less good housing.

BeeCucumber · 17/08/2023 16:36

Don’t leave your secure housing for some bloke. If you are madly in love and this is the person you wish to spend your life with - then get married - before you have babies - at least the contract of marriage will give you some protection.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/08/2023 16:42

I don’t read this like she wants his money

it reads like she’s nervous and needs to understand where she stands

and op if you you this loved and seen in a few years marry him

but please tread carefully

once bitten

and yes social housing is like good dust
hold onto it for a while longer

EvelynKatie · 17/08/2023 16:44

I wouldn't give up your social house. You should maybe consider living apart until you decide to maybe get married?
I was slightly different as we both owned our own homes but wanted to live together. I sold mine and moved in with DP, and paid half bills but not his mortgage. I saved my old mortgage payment instead. We had both chatted about future buying a house together, marriage and so on. It turns out we've gotten married first before getting a house together, so now it doesn't make too much difference and the payments I've been saving from my house sale and no mortgage to pay will contribute towards our future jointly owned house.

cestlavielife · 17/08/2023 17:27

You have social housing
You have a child already (how old?)
You need to be really sure before giving up social housing for which you can get hb
And moving your existing child in with someone else which may or may not work out

MidnightMeltdown · 17/08/2023 19:13

I don't really know how social housing works, but if you are in social housing and have a child, then can't he move in with you and rent his house out?

You need to have a trial period of living together for a while to see whether it's going to work out before making a life changing commitment.

whybotheratall · 17/08/2023 19:22

If you are not married, everything seems a bit like whatever. But once you get married, then at least if it does not work again, may be the law divides it in a different way?

billy1966 · 17/08/2023 19:27

feellikeanalien · 17/08/2023 16:25

All those saying the OP has nothing to lose have no idea how valuable a social housing tenancy is.

You have security of housing OP which is an incredibly important thing, especially these days. Particularly as you have a child.

If I was you I wouldn't give that up and move in without being married. I know it must be hard being in two different places but if you give up your tenancy and move in then, if anything goes wrong, you will be homeless and in a very vulnerable position.

There is no guarantee that you would get another social housing tenancy and trying to find a private rental whilst on benefits is not easy.

Surely in a year or so you will know if the relationship has a future. If your partner truly values you he should understand that moving in without marriage places you in a very vulnerable position, particularly if you are intending to have a child with him.

This.

You owe it to your existing child to not take chances with your security, your home.

You should not consider having a child with someone who is not happy to marry.

Giving up your childs home, moving far away, without a job, to move into a home that is not yours, with someone you are not married to, is plain foolish.

Your child deserves better than this.

Please protect your hard won security.

JerkintheMerkin · 17/08/2023 19:35

MostlyHappyMummy · 17/08/2023 15:40

Why would you give up a social housing tenancy for a bloke?
can't you just date? You would be mad to do this.

I quite agree. OP you have already known what it is to lose a home due to relationship breakdown. Why risk it again? Social housing is hard to come by and just say you move in with this new person, then the relationship fails - what then? Expensive private housing because acquiring another social housing property isn't going to happen overnight. Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but it's a big risk to take.

JaukiVexnoydi · 17/08/2023 20:22

The way a mortgage works is that the house is part-owned by the bank and part-owned by the mortgage payer whose name is on the deeds. Each month the mortgage payment pays a chunk of interest that is effectively "rent" and, plus a bit more which incrementally increases the proportion owned by the mortgage payer until they fully own it.

The mistake that people in your position regularly make is contributing so much to that payment that they are effectively putting money into their boyfriend's long term capital acquisition without getting any rights to a share of that acquisition.

What you should be doing is reckoning a monthly contribution to a savings account in your sole name an amount of money that is at least equal to the capital acquisition that us in his sole name, and that contribution is as much a part of the combined household expenses as the mortgage repayment is.

Exactly how much that is, will depend on the terms of his mortgage. But for example if his mortgage repayment is £1000 per month that could be £150 of actual loan repayment and £850 of interest (ie "rent") so as a minimum a £150 payment into savings should be part of your contribution.

A valid point of view might be that you should be contributing half of all bills, and half of the above £1000+£150 (ie £575) of which £150 is into savings and £425 is into mortgage.

However - that would be the two of you putting in exactly equal cash each month and in reality he is getting more than you because he is recieving the benefit of a secure home that he cannot be thrown out of, whereas you will be in an insecure situation because if the relationship ends messily you are instantly homeless. Therefore I would hold that you should deduct at least another £100 per month from your contribution (add it to your savings) in recognition of that insecurity. If the relationship does end you should have enough put aside to help set up a new situation and you won't have contributed too much to his capital assets that you aren't benefitting from. If he turns out to be "the one" and you stick with him long term then the savings could become a rainy-day fund (though I think every woman should have a "shit I need to get out of here right now" fund so maybe you might keep it in your sole name just in case)

JaukiVexnoydi · 17/08/2023 20:51

(P.S. I wrote the abive in response to your op onky without reading TFT and I have now seen that you have a child and are in social housing. Do not move in with him. I am sure he is lovely but you need to prioritise security. You shouldn't move in without (a) a marriage certificate and (b) a pre-nup undertaking that if you divorce then any financial settlement will see you in no worse a situation than you are now

Original poster
ADHDspoonie · 18/08/2023 11:48

Hi, thanks for all the responses, feeling a bit overwhelmed with them all but in a good way.

Yes definitely feeling nervous as a previous poster said.

DC will be 15 next month with GCSEs and the like in the next year or so and no intention of moving soon as it would be unfair to move with him again in the space of a few years, DC needs stability. Have talked to partner last night and he understands where I'm coming from given what I've experienced in the past, we don't have all the answers yet as neither of us are ready to get married yet, but it's not off the cards to get married before we start living together and I've made it clear I want to wait until DC is done with GCSEs etc before we move in together as I don not want to disrupt DC's education under any circumstances. I'm in my mid-late 30s so time isn't exactly on my side for having more kids, but we'll just have to figure it out somehow.

I think I just needed reassurance that my thought process is 'normal' for lack of a better term? My first priority (and instinct) is to protect me and my DC and with so much gaslighting from ex (which still happens) I struggle to trust my own thought processes/judgement sometimes.

To be clear I'm not after my partner's money etc, I just want to feel safe and secure when we live together, I want his interests to be protected just as much as mine. There haven't been any red flags so far and that in itself is unnerving for me because I've realised that I've never had that in a relationship before, the massive difference is that I can actually talk to him about it and we try to work things out together, again something I've never had before.

This is my first serious relationship since my ex and my first relationship with a DC in the mix with someone who isn't their dad. I love my partner to bits and DC likes him too

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 18/08/2023 12:41

You are putting blood sweat and tears into this new partners house but don't work?

Original poster
ADHDspoonie · 18/08/2023 13:02

ZekeZeke · 18/08/2023 12:41

You are putting blood sweat and tears into this new partners house but don't work?

🙄Okay maybe that was dramatic wording on my part (however I have injured myself a fair few times - thankfully not seriously - when I've been helping because my coorindation and spatial awareness is screwy), I was extremely anxious, overwhelmed and emotional yesterday.

My point was that I'm not sitting on my ass letting him do everything and I try to contribute when and how I can because I want a future with him and I am working with him to get the house sorted as much as my body will allow. I can have 1 good day where I'm able to help and then will need a rest period afterwards. When I have good periods where I'm able to do stuff, it's great but unfortunately they don't last very long and I pay for them afterwards, it's part and parcel of being chronically ill. I try my best not to let it stop me as much as I can but I have to accept the consequences when I do too much too.

OP posts:
Yetisrus29 · 18/08/2023 13:21

My suggestion is if you decide to move in. He sells up and you buy somewhere together, then he protects his share and you protect your share in a Deeds of Trust. You then pay mortgage and bills equally or however you think woeks best.

I would never get someone added to a property that I've bought and had before a relationship.

Nevermay · 18/08/2023 16:43

MidnightMeltdown · 17/08/2023 19:13

I don't really know how social housing works, but if you are in social housing and have a child, then can't he move in with you and rent his house out?

You need to have a trial period of living together for a while to see whether it's going to work out before making a life changing commitment.

This does seem more sensible

cestlavielife · 18/08/2023 16:57

Wait til dc completed a levels.
Stop putting your health at risk /risking bad days to sort out dp house it s not yous znd presumably you need to care for your own house?
You can have chats at some level with your ds on what he thinks eg when he coming back from uni to this new home

You could have a baby ( talk to ds first how would he feel generally? ) stay where you are have dp come over

cestlavielife · 18/08/2023 17:00

If you do have energy it would be better to go into earning or training for your own future?

Not into a house you do not own

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