Moving in with someone who has a mortgage- what do I need to know?

[ADHDspoonie]

OK, it's not happening for at least a year but after my last relationship ended appallingly and I ended up losing my home despite a joint tenancy, I DON'T want to go through that again!

I've never lived with someone who owns their own home before except as a kid with my family....

So how can I protect myself? We may get married but that's not a sure thing yet as we're both a bit ambivalent about it right now and I want to be protected either way, especially as we're planning to have children together and I also want to make sure I maintain my independence as much as possible, despite being disabled so I don't leave myself in a vulnerable position again. I'm keen to not make the mistakes I've made before.

I'm also a little bit terrified (in a good way) because things are getting more serious!

Hi OP

You've not given any details of your current living situation, so it's a bit hard to advise.

can you say you if you're renting or a homeowner?

Either buy into the house and get your name on the deeds and mortgage, in which case you would also be responsible for paying the mortgage. This then legally gives you a stake in the house should you split up.

Or have a frank discussion with your partner about finances and come up with some other arrangement. I think you can then get a solicitor to draw up some paperwork for if you split but I'm not sure how much legal weight that carries.
A suggestion could be to half all the day-to-day bills except the mortgage, in which your partner pays in full.

Personally I'd be agreeing a timeline for getting you on the deeds and mortgage at least.

Short term pre marriage id make sure that (a) you’ve laid your cards on the table and (b) you can save during this period whilst of course paying a fair share and (c) you are clear that IF this moves to marriage you will of course be moving to marriage

are you working ?

And (d) have a fuck off fund saved up

Its not clear what your current circumstances are and why they don’t continue when you move in.

The most obvious downside to your situation is that if you are not married them your rights to reside in a property owned by somebody else are virtually non existent. Presumably you are going to pay your way to live in his home. That could include paying rent which is not the same is paying the mortgage. Only the parties to the mortgage pay the mortgage and this is what gives you title to any share of equity.

If you have children whilst unmarried you don’t get any rights to his assets. You both get responsibilities. You can force him to comply with certain responsibilities, CMS and housing, but otherwise he can decide to be irresponsible. How would you independently support children if that was the case.

As another pp said you should both be talking about whether living together means sharing finances and merging capital. If it does then see a solicitor and the back about how you can formalise it. If it doesn’t then remember it’s his house and if he wants you to leave he can make you fight away.

^^ bank not back
Right not fight.

realistically somebody have invest and paid for years for there existing house
you move in why would you have a claim on it
you need to pay your way on untiles don’t contoured to mortgage or up keep and save to get some financial security

Best options are either you contribute to bills and other shared costs like food but don’t contribute anything towards the mortgage or house renovations, but you’d have no claim on the property-but you could hopefully save some money assuming you’ve been paying rent before. Or you buy into the property with a specific ownership % based on what you can contribute to the mortgage, and get this all formalised with a solicitor. You really need to discuss the options with your partner

In terms of protecting yourself, have your own savings, but you wouldn’t be entitled to any of their property unless you formally become an owner and you contribute. If anything it’s your partner’s responsibility to protect themselves and their property

Oh and definitely consider marrying before kids, if you would plan to give up work especially. It will give you much more protection if the relationship ended

Option B isn’t exactly fair though is it, OP ends up paying no rent and half the bills

if the roles were reversed and a man suggested this the word “cocklodger” would be mentioned

Make sure you get married before you have a DC together.

You work out together what your contribution to the household expenses should be based on your respective incomes, and hopefully you have funds left over each month to create savings in case you do need a deposit to move out in the future. You shouldn't have any claim to the house as it's a very new relationship - and I assume you wouldn't want to have one either at this stage.

Fair is subjective. If the person whose house it is want to keep the house solely in their name, but also wants someone to move in, then that's the simplest way of making sure the house stays in their name and the other has no claim to it.

The add on option for that could be that the person moving in saves the amount of half the mortgage each month into a different account and after a period of time uses that lump sum to buy into the house officially when both are happy and comfortable with being financially tied together.

Surely the person moving in pays a rent which both parties think is fair - the person moving in pays below market rent, the person owning receives some rent from their “lodger” and they both share bills.

I think it’s crazy to suggest someone moving in with a partner for the first time goes on their mortgage. You get to know someone a lot when you move in, what happens if within a few weeks you find out they’re horribly messy or something and you don’t want to live there anymore? How do you get out of a mortgage?

on the flip side, paying no rent at all isn’t fair either because you’re benefiting from the other person buying a house

so I think below market rent so both parties benefit from the arrangement is the fairest thing, with a review point at maybe a year and see how serious things are and what you might do next (add to mortgage, buy somewhere between you etc etc)

And if not financially equal do not have kids if not married
don’t !

is say to cover the household bills is fair
he keeps his property , saves some money and you should also start saving

Very weird post. It sounds like you own nothing, and therefore you have nothing to 'protect'. You are simply moving into someone else's home.

If anything, it's him who should be thinking about protecting himself.

All you need to do is make sure that you have enough money saved to move out and rent somewhere if it doesn't work out.

The delay in moving in together is due to his place undergoing work (which I'm putting blood, sweat and tears into getting done with him, he bought his house a year or two before we met and it's not ready for a family yet), and the fact I have an older child whose father is less than cooperative when it comes to co-parenting and will cause issues if I try to move any further away than I am right now, and is something we need to work out. The aim is about a year but it may well end up being longer than that as despite my ex being a twonk he's still my kid's dad and I don't want to interfere with that relationship.

My last relationship ended a few years ago and was abusive, financially, physically, emotionally, mentally towards me. I wish I'd never added my ex to the tenancy, he was the definition of a cocklodger and abusive to boot. When we left, I had practically nothing. So no, I don't own much and I can't drive for health reasons, my last relationship has made me exceptionally wary of becoming dependent on someone else because of my health and moving will mean moving somewhere where I only know my partner and his family, which leaves me feeling like I'd be vulnerable if I moved (I do volunteer work where I can but I am not working right now) the most likely scenario right now if my health stays as it is, is that I'll be a SAHM like I am now and working when I can.

I'm fully aware I'm not exactly a catch being a disabled single mum on benefits but it's the hand I've been dealt and is something I'm actively trying to change despite my limitations, I'm constantly applying for jobs (and getting rejected, I do the volunteer work to keep my CV up to date but they have no paid positions available at the moment).

you don't have anything to protect? So what are you worried about?

How are you going to pay towards the mortgage or pay your partner rent?

My best suggestion would be get a job.

I have read all the responses by the way and I'm taking them in. For those asking, I'm renting at the moment in social housing.

I have everything to protect. I lost almost everything when I left my ex. I moved into my friend's with the clothes on my back after paying for everything for that house for over a decade. I swore when I left that I'd never be put in a position where I could lose my home again.

If you read my post you'd see that I'm trying to get a job. Easier said than done though.

I'm eligible for PIP and that won't change with my partner's earnings as it's to support my health needs and isn't means tested but I'd prefer to have my own income regardless. Currently we're both pretty equal finances wise (he doesn't earn a massive amount) but that will change when we live together and obviously that leaves me feeling pretty vulnerable.

Why would you give up a social housing tenancy for a bloke?
can't you just date? You would be mad to do this.

ADHDspoonie

oh
I wouldn’t leave social housing for a man and especially not when on benefits

hell no

IF anything goes wrong you’d have to start over and maybe be homeless

can’t you wait and you get yourself on a more stable footing ? He will surely understand

I think you've hit the nail on the head as to why I feel so vulnerable about the idea of living with him. I'd need to move regardless as I do want a family with him and my home is too small for a family.

My health condition is lifelong, as it stands I'm on a relatively stable footing finances wise as I'm really careful with money etc but I have to be realistic about my employability options due to it which aren't great and I've been open about that from day one with him. I also have to be realistic about his options. He's in a stable job he loves with a company he really likes and has good promotion prospects with, so moving isn't an easy option for him either. This is the one aspect of our relationship we're struggling to work around because we're already pretty much living together but dividing our time between both homes.

I'm honestly not sure how we'll make this particular aspect work, just that I really really want to. I've never been in a relationship before where I have felt so respected, seen and loved.