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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I really being needy, or is he just mean?

21 replies

sjk2024 · 16/08/2023 18:01

Partner owns his own company, so I assume (when he decides to talk to me about it) can be fairly stressful eg people owing him money etc. The thing is, I always am wondering what mood he is going to come home in. For eg last night he came home and was just very quiet, which is fine I suppose, but when I ask questions its always sarcastic answers. It almost feels like he doesn't like me, or I am irritating him. He used to smoke weed to 'relax' and he has cut down for me, so I am wondering if he is a bit mean because he can't smoke weed... Or he just can't handle day to day stresses. Its one thing being quiet, but another thing changing the mood of the whole household because you;ve had a rough day? Or am I being 'needy' as he calls me when I ask what is wrong with him, he says he cant handle me... we get into an argument and I end up getting upset. Like last night he came home we were eating dinner and he is looking past me to watch the TV, not engaging at all.

It does feel like walking on eggshells sometimes, never know what mood you will get. The thing is, when he is in a great mood he is SO likeable, friends family love him, he's a joy to be around, real good company, almost glows. But no body really sees the day to day side. I have been accused of 'ruining his high' if he has smoked and I ask too many questions (I am quite inquisitive and nosey eg if he has been over his friends house, i ask how it went etc how was his wife, there new dog etc) I just can;t work out if this is a ME issue... He isn't very emotionally supportive AT ALL, almost refuses to talk about feelings, hardly shows affection unless its for you know what. Sometimes I do wonder what I am getting out the relationship, maybe financial support. Maybe he resents me for that.

Then I feel like some woman would totally put up with this, and support him. Maybe I am not 'woman' enough to deal with it, or a good enough wife... I don't know.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/08/2023 18:13

It’s not you, it’s him. He is abusive towards you and your relationship with him is therefore over. How can you be helped here into getting him out of your life completely?. Womens Aid are well worth contacting here.

JibbaJab · 16/08/2023 18:56

Mmm familiar traits in my experience which I now recognize as abusive now I'm away...

Does he often make you feel like shit, have a temper?

Also, very hard to ruin a high.

I don't think it's you.

PaminaMozart · 16/08/2023 19:04

It almost feels like he doesn't like me, or I am irritating him. … It does feel like walking on eggshells sometimes, never know what mood you will get. The thing is, when he is in a great mood he is SO likable, friends family love him, he's a joy to be around, real good company, almost glows

even if he isn’t a classic narcissist, he certainly behaves like one. The effect on you is the same, and it won’t get any better.

he consciously uses his ‘moods’ to control you. He is abusing you and his aim is to rob you of every ounce of individuality, agency and independence.

read Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That. It explains it all.

and put steps in place to leave him. Because this will never get better, irrespective of what you do

ProudThrilledHappy · 16/08/2023 19:07

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

the hills are that way, run run run >>>>

JibbaJab · 16/08/2023 19:08

All I know from my experience was I never knew what mood they were in and no matter the mood they were in, somehow something was wrong and I was to blame.

Also, no communication about any issues, refusal to talk about relationship. Always had issues themselves and would get angry but would never actually discuss or resolve them, just change the issue constantly that meant they were right and I was in the wrong.

continentallentil · 16/08/2023 19:11

He certainly doesn’t value you so just move on

or if that feels too big get some therapy to help you sort out why you won’t move on.

I don’t think a bit of extra cash can be worth this (assuming that’s all it is - if you don’t work then get a job as part of your plan to get out)

Harryyourenogoodalone · 17/08/2023 01:09

This is so familiar. The emotional distance, not caring, refusal to discuss the relationship, twisting things so he's right and walking on egg shells.
I wish I hadn't had children with him. I feel very trapped and unhappy being lonely with someone who doesn't care about me or my best interests I'd honestly leave now if you can.

Mmhmmn · 17/08/2023 01:29

It's not really a mood, OP. It's a strategy that he uses to control you and make you ever smaller and easier to control. When I told long term 'moody' DP that I would probably fuck off soon due to his behaviour, his 'moods' miraculously stopped. Proving that it's an intentional strategy some people use against their partner when they're incapable of communicating properly. (Or just shithead). You'll be the only person he behaves like that toward.

You deserve better.

calmcoco · 17/08/2023 01:31

You are fine. He sounds awful.

He's a pot-smoking stressed out bully who makes you feel crap.

Are you married, do you have children?

I'd leave.

Vieja245 · 17/08/2023 01:35

Its emotional abuse. Leave now.

montecarlo7 · 17/08/2023 03:27

"Then I feel like some woman would totally put up with this, and support him. Maybe I am not 'woman' enough to deal with it, or a good enough wife... I don't know."

Yes, some woman would put up with this. However, in general women's bar for male behaviour in relationships is incredibly low.

Why does it make you less of a woman that you don't want to put up with this crap? Why do you think that is what being a woman is? (putting up with emotional abuse)

You only have one life and this set up with him sounds miserable.

montecarlo7 · 17/08/2023 03:29

And no, you aren't being needy. Except needy of being treated with respect and care, which we all deserve from our partners. He's doing a real number on you.

Poppyblush · 17/08/2023 05:00

It’s abuse. Get rid.

Jennygosoftly · 17/08/2023 05:04

"Like last night he came home we were eating dinner and he is looking past me to watch the TV, not engaging at all."

I was married to someone lIke that, that's why he's an exH.

manchesterbreak · 17/08/2023 05:10

He's managing you so you don't rock the boat. He keeps you hooked by being amazing and kind and fun. Which he withdraws when it suits him. It's a pattern of abuse and will likely get worse over time the more committed you are. He's using u as an emotional punchbag. Everyone has stress/difficulties but that doesn't mean other people should bear the brunt of it. This is not how some who loves you should treat you.

Cherrysoup · 17/08/2023 13:19

You’re expecting him to react like a normal person ie answer questions, have a conversation as you’d expect in a relationship. Either he’s a massive introvert or he’s just not bothered about you.

billy1966 · 17/08/2023 14:28

Nasty, abusive, unkind, bullying, likes to use you as an emotional punching bag.

You are 100% wasting your time with him.

This is who he is.

Thank god you haven't inflicted him on any children.

He will not change.

Men like him hate themselves and any woman foolish enough to put up with them.

Ring Women's aid and get out asap.

Prelapsarianhag · 17/08/2023 16:48

Please get rid. A man like this will destroy you - and enjoy doing it.

Original poster

sjk2024 · 25/02/2024 17:45

Harryyourenogoodalone · 17/08/2023 01:09

@Harryyourenogoodalone hi - just reading through my replies on here again. has your situation got any better?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2024 17:47

Don't tell me you're still wasting your time with this man?

Vretz · 25/02/2024 18:17

This is work related stress. As ever, adding the male input... been there, done that. Also I'm an accountant and worked in practice, advising people like your DH. Half of my job ended up being "you can't do everything" to business owners who were slowly killing their home life.

The PP all calling it "abuse" - yes... sort of. They are right in that he's on a path that unless he takes corrective action, there's only 1 outcome which is you leaving for your own well being and quite right you should if he doesn't that corrective action.

Should you approach it from a "you're abusive" accusatory angle? Yes and no. I'd get him to check out Jimmy on Relationships. It's a guy on YouTube who cheated on his wife, went to marriage counselling, saved his relationship and "gets" that men find it hard to talk about certain topics because of the 90s/00s Alpha masculinity perspective, and one of those is work related stress and the impact it has on your OH.

Men are going through a "movement" post lockdown, so there's a lot of wellbeing/communication and emotional talk in sports groups, work/networking groups and trades. It's because suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50, and its about 3-4x higher in men than in women, so a lot of men have lost friends to it but the added benefit is encouraging better and healthier connections with partners.

To be clear, I'm not condoning his behaviour or disagreeing with PPs. I'm just giving you a different perspective.

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