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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would this make you feel?

3 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 16/08/2023 17:00

Me and DH were in a supermarket carpark the other day and I had the trolley next to the car. I was about to take it back to the trolley park when a car started reversing into the space I was just standing over the edge of. I waited as I wasn't sure if they'd seen me and I didn't want to get mown down. Male driver of car opened his door and yelled 'we'll come on then'. Well, DH went ballistic and was yelling at this guy 'come on then, don't speak to my wife like that, get out of the car' etc etc. the car driver started shouting back so I was just trying to get DH (well over a foot taller than me) to calm down and get in the car.

In the meantime an employee of the store was watching this, took the trolley off me and told me he'd have a word with the other driver because he said he was out of order. DH is still shouting through the window. Other driver asks me to put my window down and I said no because I didn't want to make things worse. He said he wanted to apologise so I wound my window down, he apologised but the him and DH kept on at each other. In the end I begged DH to drive off to stop it escalating into violence.

DH has form for road rage and it really frightens me. He knows this but apparently he's 'done taking abuse off people' and 'most women would be grateful he'd stood up for them'. But I was frightened, mortified and apparently ungrateful.

He never used to be this angry man, and I don't know why he's so cross all the time.

So how would you feel in this situation? He thinks he's done nothing wrong and that I'm unreasonable for being upset.

OP posts:
yellowflowerss · 16/08/2023 18:35

I would feel the same as you OP. I hate conflict it makes me feel so so anxious.

I do get why you OH reacted though as the other man was disrespectful but to me it's just easier to drop the ego and walk away

JibbaJab · 16/08/2023 18:50

I personally wouldn't be happy with a man talking to my partner like that and would defend but there's a cut off point. Not sure I would bait someone out of a car though.

It could also be the conflict moved from defending you to not wanting to lose face and turned into some form of dominance battle.

Howdoesitworkagain · 16/08/2023 20:15

I think some people use any excuse to escalate into violence, it’s like they’re looking for a reason to fight. Your husband might be like this, or he might not, but I do think he went too far and went well beyond defending you. When I think of how my husband has defended me before, it’s completely different to this (briefly: I was heavily pregnant, someone was ramming me with their trolley as they were impatient about the lift we were all waiting for and it was a bit crowded - my husband used very firm words but there weren’t even raised voices never mind challenging to a fight).

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