Unacceptable behaviour

[KentLife01]

I would appreciate people's opinions on this matter as it can be difficult when you're in the middle of something, although I'm beginning to see a lot clearer recently.
I have been with my husband for over 15 years now. We have no children.
I'll be honest, he's always been quite anti social, moody, belittling and a control freak with OCD.
We do talk and have fun but don't do a great deal away from the house together. The behaviours I've described above, didn't all come out initially, with some developing or becoming worse since we got married a few years ago.
He is snappy, quick to react, his mood can change from 1 minute to the next, he seems to find the negative in everything, never seems to be happy, and quite frankly, he thinks he is better than anyone else. He loves an argument whereas I'm the opposite. I hate them and the atmosphere they create. I find these days that I'm happier when he isn't at home, and when he does get home, I'm wondering what person I'm going to get - the nice version or the moody person - which means generally I'm walking on egg shells. I'm not the only one he is like it with. There have been times he's made his mum cry, he's been rude to my family to the point that they no longer want to stay at ours, and some of his friends invite me to events but not him!! Awkward!!
There is another issue too. He is very selfish sexually and has a fantasy I hate but went along with a few times in the early days to please him. It keeps coming up and he clearly wants me to do it for real which I've shut down but this also adds to his moods. However, I can't go out with friends without him trying to dictate to me what I should wear. I dread telling him I have plans because I know I'll get bombarded with messages before I go out. This is also the only time he messages me!!! I never receive anything nice or words of affection.

I feel quite stuck and the feelings I once had for him have diminished as a result of his behaviour. Otherwise I am happy. I have a great group of friends, a house I love in an area I love, a wonderful pet dog and I love my job. I know I should be brave and probably leave, but this isn't really an option at the moment. Financially I would be destitute. I couldn't afford my own place mortgage or renting, especially with a dog to feed on top of it. I have no friends or family who live locally enough for me to go and stay with so I could continue to go to my place of work. This is also my dream job that I've worked hard for. I couldn't just give that up. My husband would literally take me for everything and that would probably include the dog which I would never allow to happen as he doesn't have the time for it.
Anyway, I think that is probably it. Thanks to those who made it to the end without getting bored!!

You refuse to leave, so what can any of us have to offer you?

If you want any chance of happiness, you must leave this horrible, abusive man. That's it, really.

Not sure what advice we can offer you if leaving him isn't an option. He sounds horrible.

If you're refusing to leave then what hope is there that anything will ever improve? This is your life now. Unless you change it, simple as that.

I’m not sure what the question is.

christ your bar is low

Fuck me, that's a very sad commentary. Only when your standards are in the gutter.

He's a horrible partner - start saving, then kick him out.

Op, if you're married, your husband can't just "take you for everything." See a solicitor and get real information. I do know one thing for sure, you will have nothing but regret if you choose to stay with this man.

“Op, if you're married, your husband can't just "take you for everything." See a solicitor and get real information. I do know one thing for sure, you will have nothing but regret if you choose to stay with this man.”

This. Your H sounds horrible. You say leaving isn’t an option. Your position is literally inexplicable to me. You don’t have children with him. There is no reason for you to stay.

Unhappy, bullying, sexual coercion, coercive control...

I hope for your sake you hadn't read the full post or were making a bad joke and your bar isn't that low for a marriage!

Now that you have written it down please go back and read it as though one of us had written it. What would your response be?

I think the first thing you do is pay for one hour with a decent solicitor. Find out your legal and financial rights as you might be pleasantly surprised. I know I was. Also have a quick look on rightmove and see what is near to work. You will have to downsize your dreams but how much would a 2bed mid terrace cost?

Did you just post for a vent OP?

At least go and see a solicitor and find out what your real financial position is. Secondly talk to women’s aid or a local domestic abuse agency and see if there’s any local support that will help you get away.
Abuse grinds you down so it’s hard to see a way out, but there is always a way out, you just haven’t found it yet.

Yes, I posted to vent as I'm going through menopause too and my emotions seem to be all over the place. He's never been physically abusive and we do have some wonderful times together amongst his bad moods and he does a lot for us. I'm frustrated at myself. I don't stick up for myself enough because I don't like bad feeling and in ways, I'm probably helping create this because I'm letting him get away with it. I just want to find a way of dealing with it in a mature way without it leading to an argument before I think about the worst case scenario, which will likely result in me leaving. As I've said, leaving presents so many additional problems that I don't know if I can cope with, especially financially and youth is not on my side. I have no direct support around me as we, friends and family have moved away to different areas. Although, I'm doing my dream job, it doesn't pay all that well. I do save money but times are hard for everyone in todays climate.

OP you’re not responsible for managing his mood or behaviours, you’re not culpable for abuse towards you. I’m actually disappointed in the responses in the thread so far. OP could you reach out to Women’s Aid even just for a chat and advice? There may well be help and solutions that you don’t realise exist or that you could access, for me I applied for social housing and got in touch with the council housing officer (she was far more helpful than Women’s Aid personally), she went through a homeless application with me as I was going to have to leave my home to get away from the abuse, this gave me some extra points towards my housing application - depending on your area, there may be stock available that would allow you to stay closer to your job and be more affordable for you, there may also be help available (council/gov funds) to get a new home set up (basic floor coverings, appliances etc) depending on your income.

I hate it when people say 'oh but he hasn't been physically abusive' as if that's a positive.

He has been emotionally abusive and sexually coercive. He starts arguments. You're on egg shells. He tells you what to wear. He pesters your when you dare to go out with friends.

The fact he's not hit you is not a plus point. It's a given.

You say it would be financially crippling to leave. I wonder if it would be emotionally crippling to stay.

This, emotional abuse also flies under the radar - it’s hard to explain it to anyone without the full context of the whole relationship and how it’s like the boiling frog, and even then people who haven’t experienced it tend to shrug it off with “well, I don’t want to get involved” / “there’s two sides to every story” you know that underlying thought that well, you must have done something to make them act that way. Physical abuse - a bruised face, marks on your arms, broken bones are unequivocal obvious abuse and a much easier crime to prosecute, I wonder how many partners that are mentally/coercive abusive would hurt you physically if they could get away with it.

Also OP look up the Cycle of Abuse, the good times serve a function so that you won’t leave, if they barraged you consistently without some kind of respite there would be nothing, not even financial difficulties, that would make you stay. The “good times” serve to confuse you and make you doubt that 1. They’re really all that awful and 2. Perhaps you’re imagining it being worse than it is and oh yeah 3. If you adjusted your behaviour then it’d be nice like this all the time - all bullshit to keep you roped in.

I didn't want to push because you aren't there yet. You are still trying to work out what you can do, or what you can say, or whether to change your tone, or timing or any number of things but ultimately there is only so much you can change of you and your surroundings. Eventually you will need to look at him, and ask yourself would he be willing to change to save your marriage. Or does he blame it all on you, it's your fault. You keep rocking the boat. Pipe down.

The questions you need to ask are...
What exactly do you think needs changing? More chores, more cuddles, more respect? Pin it down.
Do you think he would be willing to change, possibly even go to joint counselling?
If he won't change could you continue living like this for the next twenty years. Or would you end up angry, frustrated and full of resentment?

Well done for taking your first 'pigeon step' to waking up from living with his crap. You need to stop caring, when you stop caring your whole demeanor will change, he will notice, as pp have said he can't take everything your married and you have rights, trust Women's Aid, they will listen to you. Finally should you ever be in a position where you need it the Freedom Project run by The Dogs Trust can arrange fostering for your dog until your in a position to have it with you. Sadly I don't think he will change, I was in a similar position, we shared many interests, could chat for hours and could make each other laugh ..... we never had a day out or holiday without a period of sulking, I would be called a c*nt, slut, slag etc and screamed at in front of my kids, their friends, the neighbours, in public, he didnt care; I decided at 49 and after 30 years that I wasn't prepared to tolerate that for another twenty odd years and left. It may take you years like me (I hope it doesn't) but in the meantime you need to work on you and realise that your an amazing person and do not deserve this.

Why sound you need to leave your job? Sorry if I've missed it

Thank you FamBea. I think I needed to hear that I'm not completely alone and that I've not been the first person to go through this sort of thing, and sadly, I won't be the last. I am waking up to the situation I'm in. I haven't stopped caring completely yet but I know you're right and nothing will change. I hadn't heard about the Freedom Project but I will look at it as a last resort. As sad as it sounds, my dog is my best friend and is really helping me through these times. If I can, I want to keep him with me.
I'm sorry you went through a similar situation but we'll done for getting out. This is the first time I'm spoken about this, so it feels alien, almost like it's not me typing it. Thankfully, he has never resorted to calling me nasty names. It's never so obvious, more underhand, and the constant thought of what mood is he going to be in. Slowly but surely though, over the years his true colours are being shown to my family and friends and I know they're concerned but I don't want to worry my parents. They live far away and are elderly.
The last few days have actually been great. We've laughed, talked and it's these moments that drag me back in and make me think it will all be OK and then bam, bad mood hits. But with every one, he is pushing me further and further away.
Bladebladeblah1. I would potentially have to leave my job as the only place that I could go quickly, with my dog, my belongings and rent free so I could save money for my own place, is to my parents in Scotland. We live on the outskirts of London. Transport links where my parents live are pretty much non existent.

Sending you a huge hug OP because I know how much finances will play a part in your decision making and how expensive it is where you are. I wish you all the best 💐