Abusive ex just died, why am I so sad?

[Vanillafudge86]

Hi, I'm just wondering if im alone in how I feel or if it's totally normal.
I split from my ex 3 years ago and met someone else, whom I am extremely happy with and have a baby with now. My partner knows what my ex put me through and how miserable he made me (mental abuse, cheated on me, was a narcissist) he was mentally unstable and an alcoholic.

I have just found out that be has died, he died alone in his house and wasn't found for days, ever since I have been struggling to keep it together, I keep having dark thoughts and I get upset. What is worse for me is I knew he was very lonely and had lost his mother a year ago, I can't help but feel like part of it is my fault, so I am quite upset.
my partner is supportive but he said if his ex died he would be celebrating, but despite all my ex put me through, I feel terrible. Close friends we had together said I should pay my respects, I want to but is this disrespectful to my partner? I just want to saw goodbye that's all, is what I'm feeling normal?

Of course your upset
it was a human being
they died sadly
and nothing got fixed 😞

I’d be careful how you articulate this to current man as he could read this the wrong way

But you need closure and paying respect is the appropriate action I say

you could say it’s not that your mourning him as a man or for the relationship

but that’s it’s a very sad ending and that no human should die like that

also the sadness will pass ,but a goodbye is appropriate

you feel sad because it is sad - your ex was literally such an awful person nobody even realised he died. its a sad end to a sad life.

On top of it abuse twists our minds so there is always this residual sense of responsibility for feelings of the abusers - after all, by the time you've left him you've probably spend years being constantly made to feel like every negative emotion he felt was your fault.

If you need closure then paying respects may be fair - however, will it really serve you well? He'a dead, he won't be there to care. However - going may strengthen that misguided sense of responsibility for what has happened to him and push you into even darker place.

Finally, just because someone is dead does not absolve them of the things they did when they were alive. People who were not worthy of respect nor respected others don't deserve respect in their death.

I think it's totally normal for you to feel that way. And I agree with pp that it's important for you to say goodbye in a way that you feel is appropriate.
You don't need to feel guilty about what happened after you split up but totally understandable that you would feel sad about it. He was part of your life for a period of time.

Your description of him sounds very similar to my ex and I am sure I would feel sad if I heard something had happened to him, even though I am now happily married.

It's complicated. What you are feeling is normal in the way that some people will feel like this, there's a wide range of normal.

there a sadness for how lonely he was & how he died. That he didn't don't change. That he couldn't be the man you thought he was in the beginning.

Nothing wrong with going to his funeral to say goodbye.

if your partner is feeling insecure you just need to talk to him.

Of course you’re sad. That’s ok.

You we’re happy with him once and that’s what you’re mourning now.

The same way we cry at soppy films because we have empathy.

You’re obviously a lovely and decent human being. Sometimes we have to take ourselves away from people who are bad to us, but we can still relate to their humanity.

Death and grief are very strange things. Sometimes death frees us up to appreciate or empathise in a way that just wasn’t safe when the person was alive. We often think we will feel a particular way, but the actuality of it can be surprising. And confusing.

Tell your partner that you need closure if he needs reassurance (although it really shouldn’t be about him). But go and pay your respects. These things are very important in the human psyche.

You are sad because you would have seen something good in him at the start of the relationship, but his choices made him die alone. It is sad, but he did this.

“You are sad because you would have seen something good in him at the start of the relationship, but his choices made him die alone. It is sad, but he did this.”

This. I’m a bit shocked by your current partner’s comment that he’d be celebrating if his ex died. That seems extreme.

I dont know either of you and I am sad that he died. this is completely normal. speak to your current partner. explain that the relationship was well and truly over but somehow you still feel a little bit responsible for him and his lack of happiness. What your partner says about his ex and what would happen in reality are two completely different things.

It is very normal to be sad. My story is nearly the same as yours. Still cried at his funeral. Then I was angry. Now I've more or less put him and our history to the back of my mind. It still pops up from time to time.
I was sad because he was the father of my children.

I was angry because I couldn't ask him why he did all he did to me.
But I will never know and perhaps it's just as well.
When he was alive I was a bit like your partner, however once he had died, a lot changed.

Take care.

Wow thank you for all your brilliant answers and advice, I've over whelmed and I want each and every one of you to know that all your comments have really helped.
I did see the good in him and I am a good judge of character, so I know deep down he wanted to be a good person and be happy but his demons stopped this, I forgot to add that he was also bi-polar.
I know the funeral will be very hard for me, it's the first time I've experienced someone close (past tense of course) has died and died so young so it's also awaken a deep and scary sense of our mortality.

Just one other thing is my partner's mother, when I told her and said I was greiving a bit, couldn't understand at all why I was feeling that way and it made me uncomfortable because it was almost like she was thinking I didn't care about her son and just loved my ex...so if I went the funeral I definitely wouldn't want her knowing as I don't want her falling out with me.

Explain to your ex that you are upset about the circumstances of his death because nobody should die alone and not be discovered for days. Reiterate that you love you dp very much but this doesn't mean you can't be sad about a premature loss of life (and the impact on his family if applicable). Similar happened to a friend and in this case children were involved, you can be sad despite a relationship being in the past.

You loved him once and the circumstances surrounding his death are pretty sad really, I think it's a normal reaction, but don't let it linger. There is nothing you could have done. Be kind to yourself and move on.

Oh bless you. I think I will be in the same position when my parents die. It is a horrid, conflicted feeling but it is totally normal and understandable. You are grieving for all the things that could have been for him and you, you are grieving the fact that he wasn't in a position to enjoy the things you are blessed to enjoy now, and you are grieving for a life that has now completely finished for you. Just because a relationship is toxic, it doesn't mean you can walk away and forget about it. In fact we are often so enmeshed that it is even harder to be objective. You need time to process that so that you can focus fully on your new family.

Try sitting down with your current partner and talking it through with them. It is not that you still love you ex but rather that it is now all over and it will take a while (possibly even years) to work that through. What you need right now is hugs, not judgement.

You are upset because you are human. You shared history I'm guessing there were good times as well as bad.
Your current partners mother has no right to judge your feelings . If you feel the need to go to the funeral, that's OK, it's nothing to do with her