Dealing with toddler rejecting my husband at night

[Strathyre]

This might be a long one so apologies! I'm looking for some advice about any of the aspects of my situation!

We have two two-year-olds, and one is going through a really clingy phase where he only wants me. Nursery say he is fine with them, but at home he is asking me to carry him round a lot (not all the time but more than you'd expect at his age!) and then at bedtime and in the night he will usually only accept me.

Previously I have done all bedtimes, but me and my husband have been trying to move towards taking it in turns. In the past week my husband has successfully done two bedtimes. However last night toddler cried for me after I left the room. I initially decided to leave my husband to it - I have previously told him he can call me at any time if he doesn't think he will be able to calm the little one down, so I wanted to leave it to his judgement. However after a while (not sure how long but 15-20 minutes probably) I listened at the door and heard him still screaming while my husband was reading a story, it sounded like he was trying to ignore him. I went into the room and held him and he stopped crying. My husband tried to read a story but our other little one decided to read a book by himself so my husband didn't really have anyone to read to. I tried to encourage our other child to read with my husband but he didn't want to. Then my husband stopped reading and said, "Shall I go then?" I said it was up to him. So he left me to put them to bed.

Once they were asleep, my husband was still clearly upset and didn't speak to me. I read him as angry and decided not to speak to him either - I felt like I was tiptoeing around him, but also that having dealt with the little ones I just didn't have the energy to deal with his emotions too.

The next morning my husband asked me if I was angry with him. Then I was probably too honest and I said that I just felt like after dealing with the toddlers, I couldn't face managing his emotions too. He said that I was basically saying I just see him as a burden. I said that wasn't true, but that I was finding it all a lot to deal with. I said that I could see it was upsetting for him to be screamed at for so long by our toddler, but I was always happy to come in and help out and all he had to do was call me. I suggested an approach where if little one screams, I do bedtime, and he tries again the next night. We've had two successful nights with my husband doing bedtime so I think it's likely we will have more. I also said I think this is only a phase and we just have to ride it out. And I reminded him that little one does want him in the day and for playing.

My husband was much more pessimistic - he thinks it will take years for little one to accept him again. He also told me that I was pandering to little one and that I should start saying no to him when he wants me to pick him up or cuddle him.

So how can I handle this better?

nobody forced you to deal with the toddler, you chose to do it, you butted in, you're making the situation worse teaching your kid that 20min of hysterics will help, you did this to yourself and if i was in your husband's position i'd be angry too

want to handle it better? let him handle his child

Thanks for the reply - that definitely is an option! I guess I just don't like upsetting him so much, and I worry about the impact on our other child who has to sit in the room while his sibling screams for who knows how long.

He is just upset - not hurt, nothing bad is happening to him, he is literally in his room with his dad. Let your husband navigate relationship with his child or it will eventually get damaged

parents need to help their children navigate their "phases" not ride them out when the phase is having negative impact on everyone else in the household

While you may not have intended to, you sent a clear message to your dh that you trust his parenting skills.

He needs time to find his way the children are safe with a person who loves them. We took turns from day 1, FF so a lot easier to manage.

It gave their dad confidence and both us freedom to engage in exercise, or social events which benefits well being and patience 😉.

My partner and I take it in turns, even though our toddler probably would prefer partner. The thing that stands out to me from your OP is 'cried for me after I left the room'. We had been doing one parent does bathtime and the other does storytime and sleep time, and alternating that way. But we eventually found that DC settled better if one of us just did the whole thing - bath, story, bed. Then there were no problematic transitions through the whole routine. So my suggestion would be: don't be in the room at all, so the transition from Mummy being there to not being there won't happen at that point. Bedtime can start when the babies go upstairs with Daddy.

My LO went through a phase of "No Daddy just Mummy", he now chooses Daddy over Mummy some of the time!

He generally did better if I was out of the house so he knew Mummy wasn't an option. You don't have to go far to begin with, that way if LO is really not calming down (this might happen on some nights) your DH can call you. But it needs to be his call, not yours, if it's his night to be in charge.

Thanks for the suggestion@BarnacleBeasley, I will suggest that. I guess we've been doing bath time together just because it's easier given there are two of them. It is doable alone though.

My former two year old was a proper cling on to me, eventually I started to lose the plot with lack of sleep. So we told him mummy was going out and it was a daddy night. I would see him in the morning. Reminded a
few times. Always seemed to go better than if I was in the house but not available. (Don’t have to go far, walk around the block etc!)

Go out every evening for a few hours over that period for a fortnight. Your child will be fine with DH when they realise that’s the only option, will sort it quickly as opposed to them knowing you are lurking around outside door/downstairs and will ramp it up until you come.

Sorry OP, this is on you. You toddler squarks and you jump. Dad I not getting a chance. Either go out, or stay away when he is dealing with them.

You just need to leave him to it. He will find a way, just like you have. Mine are older than toddlers now, but sometimes they still get in a strop and demand the other one put them to bed for whatever reason. But they don't get that choice. We are both their parents and both equally capable of managing bedtime.

Your dh was doing exactly what I would have done - offered comfort (which I assume he would have) and then carried on with bedtime while they calmed themselves down.

I’m reading as our 15 mo will only settle for me, literally screams until he vomits if dad puts him
to bed..