Losing good friends

[Heidi3333]

Losing good friends

Hi I’m 47 and single.
Im feeling quite despondent as I’ve recently lost 2 good friends.
The first one was a guy I’ve been friends with for over 15 years. Last time I heard from him was a few years ago - he told me he was going through a difficult time and would call me but the call never came. I’ve recently found out he’s got into trouble at work (he’s a nurse) and has been investigated for criminal activity at work. Im assuming that’s why he’s went awol. I’ve messaged him a few times recently but he never replies.
The other is a girl I’ve been friends with for about 15 years also. We were great friends when I lived in London and although I haven’t seen her for years (I live back in Scotland now) we always kept in touch via WhatsApp and always sent each other birthday and Xmas cards etc. I recently had a baby and I now haven’t heard from her since my third trimester which was 6 months ago 🥲. She didn’t even send me a congratulations card- something I would have definitely done if the roles were reversed.
I dO have new friends but it’s hard to accept that my dearest old friends are no longer interested in me.
Can anyone relate?

Anyone?

Yes I can relate. life moves on and friends change. Try not to think of it as a loss, more of a natural progression. I progressed from a friend who was there for 15 years but I can be pleased at the good times we had, but recognise it couldn’t continue beyond that.

try to make peace with it and find new friends. They don’t have to be 15 years friends.

Sorry you're having this upset. The first guy it makes total sense that he's going through an ordeal and has taken himself away to do what he need to do to cope with it. The other friend - well, I've got a similar old friend as you who moved away and we kept in touch sending presents and cards for years, but it's felt increasingly like an empty gesture as our lives have moved on so this year I've not sent her a birthday card. I tried not to last year but she messaged to ask if it had gone missing so I sent one anyway, but since then we've still not met up or managed a phone conversation and I think it's had it its day. I still consider her a friend and if we happened to meet, we'd get on well no doubt, but cards etc are pretty pointless in the scheme of things. You have friends around you who are more engaged in your life so focus on them and let the others go on their own paths. You're all more interested in your own lives really and that's how it is in these years of having DC and working and lots going on. Plus there's always that old MN chestnut that other people's babies aren't intrinsically interesting anyway, so try not to take the congrats card personally.

Plus there's always that old MN chestnut that other people's babies aren't intrinsically interesting anyway, so try not to take the congrats card personally.

You can send a congratulations card without being particularly interested in the actual baby, @Pinkdelight3. It's an acknowledgement of a big event in OP's life, a tiny bit of connection with an old friend.

Thanks. I'm well aware of that and I've sent them, but the OP's friend hasn't so I'm positing a possible reason why, if that's okay with you?

Thanks for the replies.
My friend has been funny about me having babies in the past. She once told me years ago to stop talking about trying to conceive and more recently when I told her I'd a failed ivf cycle she never bothered to reply to my message. She would like another but says her relationship isn't serious enough to try. I knew there would be some sort of fallout when I had a second child!

My male friend I haven't heard from since he got into bother at work. I'd be happy to keep in contact with him regardless of the outcome of the investigation he's under but he obviously feels differently.

It's such a shame to lose 2 of my closest friends, especially when I've done nothing wrong 😞.

Oh okay then, so it's no mystery why she didn't send a card and has drifted off. It sounds like both of them have their reasons and indeed it's not on you, but also as a friend you could see why they need to put themselves first, even if it's not what you'd like. It doesn't mean they might not come around in future but for now, you've got good friends in your life so hope you can be glad of that.

I can totally relate, it's upsetting to lose long term friends. Hugs if wanted.

And I responded to you, as people do on a forum. No need to get snippy.

My friend has been funny about me having babies in the past. She once told me years ago to stop talking about trying to conceive and more recently when I told her I'd a failed ivf cycle she never bothered to reply to my message. She would like another but says her relationship isn't serious enough to try. I knew there would be some sort of fallout when I had a second child!

That's quite a drip feed. If your friend actually asked you to stop talking about trying to conceive, and you still messaged her about an ivf cycle, then are you sure you did nothing wrong?

I hate losing friends but sometimes life gets in the way and the connections weaken. I have regrets over a few lost friends from years ago but they either fizzled or they didn't put in the effort. I've never sought to cut out a real friend but over time you have less in common if your lives have diverged and all there is to talk about is the past. That being said I have actively resurrected two old friendships this year where we had just got out of the habit of making the effort and it's been great to reconnect.

I lost all my school friends and they were the only ones I ever considered friends. But as I change jobs sometimes and meet various people in various groups, I really know many people. I never have found these intense one on one coffee meetups and lovely totally authentic chats happening to me since time immemorial. I cannot do small talk and actually that looks weird and people leave me to be because I prefer serious, long or short, factual chats

Life does get in way. I have moved away from my area - only 40 mins - to move in with my partner. But friends now see it as I have left them. They keep in contact via text but no one wants to make the effort in coming out here. It’s middle of the country.

I know it’s upsetting but it’s just life OP.

your first friend - well he’s probably embarrassed and ashamed. Generalisation coming up - but men generally are less likely to want to discuss their vulnerabilities like women do. perhaps your friend is like that?

your second friend - well your update shows that she was already drifting away and your second baby has clinched that

time to lay these friendships to rest and look forwards. Remember one day you will be teaching your children about losses of this nature amongst their friendship groups so don’t look back too much if your can.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

My male friend has plead guilty to his charge and id awaiting sentencing. It's pretty serious stuff.

My female friend - she got pregnant first and I had to endure pictures and updates from her while I dealt with the disappointment of multiple fertility treatment failures. I gritted my teeth and pretended I wasn't hurting. All for the sake of our friendship. I dont see why she can't do the same. It's been 6 months since I heard from her!

But it's probably just natural that friendships fade over time. I need to start making more of an effort to make new friends.

It is certainly disappointing OP

last Christmas. I did not get my usual Christmas card from a couple I was friends with many years ago but we have not seen each other for 20 years and I have not gone down to visit them and they have not managed to visit me. I am not exactly sure why I did not get a Christmas card. I will send another one this year and if I get no reply that will be two years in a row so perhaps that means they want to leave things

I can’t pretend I won’t be a little wistful about it as they were good friends when I lived near them, but so many years have gone past now and cards at Christmas are obviously not enough to sustain our friendship. I suppose it means I have to make more of an effort in the here and now.

Hygieneverustheplanet sounds like we are in the same boat. It's sad but you are right - we can't sustain a friendship by cards alone! My female friends birthday is soon but I won't be sending a card for the first time ever.

Hey @Heidi3333. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this at the moment. Although a little different, I just lost my two longest standing and closest friends, one of whom was an ex, when they got together shortly after we broke up. It really knocked my confidence and self esteem but I threw myself into keeping busy and I’ve met some really fantastic people. Come and join us on the Getting a Life thread if you like, we’re all taking steps to make our lives more fulfilling.

Lifeloading - thanks for that. And I'm sorry you had to go through that, rough times.

No worries @Heidi3333. Although I’m having a wobble about it all today, I’m actually nearly over it and can see now that it was a good catalyst for me addressing the things I wasn’t happy about in my life. I remember reading an article that said ‘feel the pain of the void they left but promise yourself you will fill it again’ and that’s what I set off to do. Use this as an opportunity to make new friends then you won’t miss them anymore.

I totally can. I've lost a friend I've been good friends with since we were 16... now 40. I was unable to go to her 40th covid garden party as I was working as a nurse and couldn't get cover. Ghosted.

Another group of friends made arrangement to go out for the afternoon, changed the date to a date i couldn't do and only found out chance, they weren't going to tell me.

I've started a new job in the hope I would make new friends. Its even worse than my previous role where they used to go out and not invite me. I give up trying and I'm OK with it.

Bellalou sorry to hear all that. It's v hurtful when people treat you like that. I hope you eventually meet some new friends. I'm a nurse too! PM me if you like xx

I feel the same OP! I think it's an age thing to an extent. People change and their values and outlook change as they get older. It's as much about them as it is about you. And likewise I've found I needed to cut a few people out of my own life for my own sanity; I found their behaviour triggering for this point in my life, for example, some male friends who I only recently began to understand their level of misogyny, or female friends who judged me a lot or became really stuck up or whatever. Likewise some of my own friends have moved on from me, which makes me sad but at this age I realise not all friendships are for life, most have seasons of waxing and waning.

In another way it is also harder to make new friends when you're a parent often. People are wrapped up in their own worlds, work, familes and different life responsibilities. So I think it's quite a normal thing for people to drift apart at certain life stages and for it to be harder to make genuine connections. Try not to take it too personally.

I recently broke off a friendship. I realised I was dreading seeing her and the friendship had basically run its course. I also ghosted someone, not ideal, but I was sick of her using me as a sounding board for her to talk about something from 30 years ago-what was I supposed to tell her?!

Life moves on, people meet new friends or lose interest once you no longer live nearby or have nothing in common anymore. It’s sad, especially if you were really close, but it’s life.

I think the last paragraph says it all really.