How to break up with someone

[SleepPrettyDarling]

This might sound really stupid but I don’t know how to break up with someone and what to say.

Last time I broke up with someone I was 19 and too self-centred to be empathetic.

I’m in my 50s, divorced with children, and have been dating someone for 18 months. He is kind and available, and thoughtful, and thinks I’m great.

The reasons are that the relationship has become an added responsibility on my life which I am increasingly finding hard to manage with the busy-ness of everything else I have to take care of - children, work, cost of living, extended family including aged parent. I find my bandwidth is so incredibly stretched that I’m exhausting myself, seeing less of my friends, and feeling guilty about just spending time alone, exercising, reading, and I can’t remember the last time I just watched TV to chill out.

He works hard, supports his college age children, and is studying himself, but seems to have few other interests, so I am ‘in charge’ of organising the time we spend together, which is centred around my availability.

I came back from holidays (with kids) feeling a bit burdened, and a bit responsible for him feeling lonely while I was away.

I just don’t know how to frame the conversation without doing the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ cliché or appearing critical.

No idea how to do this kindly as I tend to be too wordy and too outspoken. And he’s very unselfish, a bit passive and dependent perhaps, but steady and devoted.

I feel a bit foolish writing this.

I'd just tell him I'd enjoyed spending time with him the last 18 months but you've realised you don't have the time or mental capacity for a relationship.

After 18 months, he might wonder what he's done wrong and want a conversation so just tell him some of the stuff you've said here.

When you do it, make sure it ends. No dilly dallying, no giving it another go, no promises of change. Just end it.

I think you just need to say what you’ve said here. You’ve enjoyed his company but with everything going on you don’t feel you have the time for a relationship on top and it’s not fair to him to continue. Yes that’s a bit it’s not you, it’s me but it is you. I’d have this conversation in person, so many people break up with people over text these days which I find a bit horrible in all honesty, especially a long relationship. Good luck

Have you done it OP ?

Ah I feel you, I think the summer holidays has really magnified this for me too. I never stop. And similar to your situation, my partner has more free time and less responsibility so it all hangs on me. I feel like I've not long either put the kids to bed or they've gone to their dad's and then I'm like 'right, next' and have to give more of myself to someone else.

When I do get time to myself, I'm so frazzled that i often freeze and do nothing. It's not very satisfying.

I was thinking of speaking to him and basically saying this and that the reality is that I can't give any more and draw some boundaries. He needs to decide if its enough for him. But maybe I should call it a day.

I'm gutted, he's genuinely great and I didn't think I could feel any trust again. But I don't want to look back on this time and not see myself in it because I was too busy rushing about, or too stretched for my kids even.

Thanks for asking. Yes, broke up last week. Told him I didn’t think the relationship was working with me having so little free time, and how I felt bad trying to fit him in when he could meet someone more available - eg he has annual leave coming up, and I’m not free to spend time with him. He said he had kinda thought the same, and that he’d probably just spend the holiday time doing DIY and studying. It really underlined how passive he was, and his idea of a relationship seems to be just following someone else’s lead. So it went fine; I was a bit sad, but also a bit WTF about how he was happy to idle along with me making the calls all the time.

Also, I felt that while he understood my kids were younger (his are independence age), he could on a factual level understand my frazzled busy-ness, but didn’t offer to help to alleviate the pressure.

Eg, one weekend in July, I had a kid-free day, and said we could meet up, but as it was the first dry weekend day in literally weeks, id have to get up early to mow the lawn and sort the garden out, and get laundry out, and his reply was ‘I’m not doing anything - just text me when you’re finished and tell me where to be 😘’ and - while I do not expect any man to do any job for me ever - I felt it showed a lack of thought for the lengths I was going to.

Yes, I felt like this; I had an obligation to another person, and in some ways having someone say ‘I’m free whenever you are’ is great and lovely, in another way, it creates a dependency and another burden.

looking back, over 18 months, I think he only made one ‘decision’ to book dinner (Valentines Day) and every other time, I was the event manager. He was very much a Steady Eddie, and his idea of commitment was waiting to be told what to do.

I’m exhausted even reading this OP!

Hope you enjoy your self care alone time x

It’s okay, tis done! I wish him a happy future, and I hope he does well.

Mine is over too!

I'm really gutted, it's quite raw but reading what I wrote to you and your response is a reminder it was the right thing to do. I laid it out, my limits on what I could offer, my concerns about feeling burned out trying to meet everyone's needs and he's decided (rightly) that he wants more for himself and so that's us over.

I'm quite teary, but I'm just reading threads on here about how common it is for the first break up after divorce hits different and hits hard.

@SleepPrettyDarling And @Bapbap45 - hope you are both doing well and feeling ok.

I came across this thread while searching for the same solution and my situation seems exactly the same as yours OP.

I’m also mid fifties and feel the exact same way - did you both speak face to face to your partner or on the phone? I’m not going to see him for a couple of weeks now after spending some days together , but I really need to end it as it’s dragging on - and I don’t want him to come down to visit again really (with false hope). We do have some belongings at each others houses though.

Is a phone call wrong?